Goodbye 2014, Hello 2015

2014 was an incredible year for me. Without a doubt, the biggest one of my life. There were some that came close, but bringing a piece of my heart in to existence as another human being tops them by far.

My one little word was "Brave" and I feel like I very much embodied it.

Not only did I give birth to my son the way I wanted to, I did so without fear or worry. Even when it would creep up, I was able to bat it away without terribly too much trouble. Something I'm not usually very good at, being a born worrier.

The aforementioned Fear and the easier thing to do were put on a shelf and I said "yes" to meeting new people and doing new things outside of my comfort zone. Again, something that I'm not typically very good at doing - I found myself fighting the urge to cancel at the last minute and turn around and go home even as I was walking up to the cafe door. I'm incredibly grateful that I didn't, because it led to finding the beginnings of a local spiritual tribe and new friends - things I've been longing for for a few years.

I bravely took a raw, unbiased look at myself, owned my mental health issues and decided to take the steps necessary to heal by seeking counseling. A very very big step for me as I don't easily open up to or trust people, especially with deep dark things. For the first time in a very long time, I feel hopeful that I will overcome my emotional difficulties, pick up the wreckage, learn to be positive and give my poor self a break from my own mental bullying. I'm well beyond being my own worst critic and for a few shining moments this year I didn't feel like that. I felt powerful, beautiful, intuitive and most importantly, worthy. Just as I am. And I want to feel that way regularly - fuck this self loathing, low self esteem, negativity business.

The status quo is currently being evicted, I'm kicking out my own ideals of myself that no longer serve me, letting go of labels, admitting what I want and am finally willing to change and work and burn things to the ground to get there.

It's been hard as fuck and equally incredible.

Here's a wrap up video I made to farewell the year rather than posting 60+ photos. I had a hard time picking just a few shining moments - there were so very many! If for soem reason the video doesn't load, you can view it by clicking this link: http://flipagram.com/f/OV38SlIzoJ

My one little word for 2015 is Peace. Within and without.

This wasn't my intended word for the year. I had tossed around "trust", "happiness" and decided upon "simplify" but it didn't feel entirely right -I was still mulling other words over in my head. Peace tip toed in to my head while I lay curled up beside Acorn, in the mystic place between waking and sleep. In a not so peaceful manner, I jumped out of bed and wrote it in my journal.

Peace
pēs/

noun

noun: peace; noun: the peace

1. 1.

   freedom from disturbance; quiet and tranquility.
2. 
   
3. 2. freedom from or the cessation of war or violence.
4. 3. inner contentment, serenity.

Peace. Because, after the fire comes the cooling rain, and from the ashes rises the Phoenix with song and new life. I plan to learn, laugh, love and live fearlessly, be more present and put the damn phone down.

A Wee Nod

Joe put this odd little tarot deck in my stocking this year for me to use in my mixed media work (the minors look like playing cards and I typically don't like a severe lack of symbolism for reading). After posting earlier I decided to journal about my word of the year and figured, what the heck, let's pick a card to go with it. This is who showed up.

Nods from the Universe, little signs that I'm on the right path.

So Long and Thanks for all the Fish!

(Me? A fan of the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy? Nooo...)

The last sunrise of 2012.

2012 was an odd year, throughout which I lost and found myself several times. Bits of my personality were washed away in the monsoon of irrelevant daily bullshit and found again months later poking out of the mud. There were revelations and big leaps towards healing myself and making peace with my past. There was a weeding out of folks and ideas that were bringing me down, a successful attempt to rid myself of some pervasive negativity. There were runs and adventures, new friends, lots of love and the addition of the ever difficult Luna bear to our family. Seriously, she's a mess. But I still love her.

Spiritually, deities shifted and I found myself not only deeply connected to the Green lord and lady but reconnected with the god of my youth, Hermes. The lady of keys and crossroads also found me. There was some weeding out here as well, plucking out practices and ideals that no longer serve me or my path. There was a lot of growth at the start of the year, learning about other traditions and getting in touch with that deep seeded intuition I'd lost contact with years ago. As it went on though, ritual fell by the wayside, again in the flood of the things I 'needed' to do, but I am finding my way back to it - even if only in the simplest of tasks. My path is long and winding and I'm bound to stumble upon the way - what's important is that I keep walking anyway.

I'm carving out space in my day for the things that feed my spirit, my soul - the things that make me 'Me' and not just the things that I have to do like work, clean up and sleep. But I'm not going to lie, it's been hard going on me to do so. Like I'm doing something wrong, something selfish, by demanding an hour or two a day from the Universe for writing, reading, art and spirituality. No one makes me feel this way, Joe and Luna and the Kitty boys all go do their own thing and seem to be happy that I'm doing this because it makes me happy. While I can't exactly pinpoint where this irrational guilt comes from, I have a few suspicions as to why it's lodged in my head. Hopefully, I can figure it out and pluck it very soon.

There are some things in this life we cannot change, but there are others that we can. 2013 is a year in which I am going to boldly embrace making the changes that I can in order to live the life I (and my wee family) deserve to live. One where I'm not a raging, depressed bitch for half a year at a time. And I'm going to do this by embracing my one little word for 2013:

Brave

[breyv] adjective, brav·er, brav·est, noun, verb, braved, brav·ing.

adjective
1. possessing or exhibiting courage or courageous endurance.
2. making a fine appearance.
3. Archaic. excellent; fine; admirable.

noun
4. a brave person.
5. a warrior, especially among North American Indian tribes.

verb

7. to meet or face courageously: to brave misfortunes.
8. to defy; challenge; dare.
9. Obsolete . to make splendid.

I particularly like the obsolete definition of 'to make splendid', because that is exactly what I hope embracing this word will do.

This year, I'm going to fight the knee-jerk reaction to say 'no' to things I've never done, that worry me without good reason or that I'm just being a grump about. I'm going to boldly face down the past, this ridiculous guilt and my depression and give them all the finger. I'm going to suck it up and get my ass back to being healthy. I'm going to give up sleep and hours at work to do the things that make my soul glow. I'm going to knock on doors, call and leave messages and take whatever classes I need to in order to get my wee art studio up and running so I can do my heart's work instead of just trudging to a job every day.

When faced with something challenging, something negative, something ugly and scary - I'm not going to cower and cry. I'm going to step up, look it in the face and attempt to spin it in a positive light. I'm going to embrace myself, be kind to and love myself - really and truly, for the first time since girlhood. I'm going to run - wild and free - wherever my soul pulls me and embrace all the quirks that make me so deliciously me. I'm going to embrace this life, my life, and appreciate all the wonderful, beautiful things that it contains and not let the bad stuff control or poison it anymore.

And I know it can happen because 13 is ,afterall, my lucky number.

P.S. In an attempt to kickstart my goals, to help embrace bravery in the best way I know how, I'll be taking DEEP with Dirty Footprints Studio again starting in February. For personal reasons, Connie had to close up shop early at the beginning of December on our last session but will be hosting the entire things, with new content, to our circle again soon. She's a golden light in a sometimes dark world, a real inspiration to me.

P.P.S. As my first Brave act of 2013, I finally took a deep breath and signed up for SouLodge with Pixie Campbell - something I've been daydreaming about forever. I'm looking so very forward to the lessons and growth in store for myself and the rest of the circle throughout the year.

P.P.P.S. Forgot to mention, not only is this a big year for me because it's a 13th year but I also leave my 20's... I turn 30 in February.

P.P.P.P.S. (I know, this is getting ridiculous) What sort of year-end wrap up would this be without a pictorial review? Some snaps from 2012, enjoy!

Christmas Highlights.


Fearless Painting - making art from my heart, trusting my intuition and doing it all for me.


The Color Run


4th Anniversary! *love*


New friends and old on Hallowe'en.


Luna (the bear) Petunia. This photo threw you for a loop, because it isn't square, didn't it? ;-)


D&D nights with friends.


Relaxing weekends.


Baby birds ALL OVER the backyard.


Getting to see whale sharks. Best birthday gift, ever.

So Long, 2011.

Compared to 2010 which was a whirlwind of change and activity, 2011 was a pretty low key year. My brother moved down here and briefly stayed with us (and as much as I love him, I'm glad he's moved out!) and my sister made me an aunt for the very first time, to a beautiful baby girl.

We searched for a few months for our first house and I'm pleased to say that a last minute change of my mind as to where I wanted to live brought us to the perfect home for us. We made the decision to get ourselves out of debt, which led to me finding a part time job (that has been not so part time) and re-affirming my knowledge that no matter where you live, or what you may have heard about a place, people are still asshats. While I've not made many friends down here, I've become more comfortable with myself and just hanging out alone; making steps back towards the happy go lucky loner I used to be.

I've taken my One Word for 2011 to heart and let go of a lot of the feelings and material things that I no longer needed. Some were burned away by fire, others were let go to the wind. Some were donated to charity and some found their way to the rubbish bin. I've cleaned house and my heart and made room for the things that are worth holding on to; while I never received formal closure to some wounds, I no longer need it. I'm still working on letting go, both of things in the past and the present and so I won't be leaving this in 2011. This little phrase is something that will stick with me and become a mantra of sorts; a sort of road map back to a happiness in which not a single fuck was given about what someone thought of me. I'm letting go of the stigmas and the fears and just embracing me. A fairy loving, tree hugging, dirt worshipping wife, woman and witch with a wild (yet slightly timid) heart, a fondness for earth and ale and a (sometimes cruel) sarcastic streak.

Which leads me into 2012's word(s), which build upon the foundation that I laid in 2011. These two, to me, go hand in hand because one cannot happen without the other. And they are:

Heal

1. To restore to health or soundness; cure.
2. To set right; repair,
3. To restore or be restored to friendly relations, harmony, etc.
4. To restore (a person) to spiritual wholeness.

I plan to heal from the traumas and injustices from my past. To restore the faiths and beliefs I've lost along the way. I want to restore my faith in myself; to know that my true, soulful, and genuine self is the best person I can ever be. And that I should never, ever apologize for any of it.

And in so doing, I plan to:

Flourish

1. To grow or develop in a healthy or vigorous way, esp. as the result of a particularly favorable environment
2. To be in one's prime; be at the height of fame, excellence, influence, etc.
3. To be successful; prosper.
4. To grow luxuriantly, or thrive in growth, as a plant.

As in, to let the best parts of me grow, while the worst parts of me are left behind to wither away. I'm actually working on one of those 30 by 30 bucket lists for this year, to start on my 29th birthday. It may sound a bit ambitious, perhaps a bit like I'm setting myself up for disappointment, but I have this feeling in my guts that 2012 is going to be a big year for me. Even if it doesn't seem so big from the outside.

Here's a toast to the shiny new year! May it be filled with all the changes, dreams, growth and love you can handle.

P.S. Is anyone else picking one word or making a resolution this year?
P.P.S. What sort of recap would this be without a wee bit more photo sharing? Here are some snaps from 2011.

So Long, Year!

In typical post holiday grump fashion, I'm not sad to see 2010 come to an end. I suspect it's because I look forward to the end of the holiday season and a bit of break from hurried making, baking, cleaning, traveling, shopping and whatever other "ing" words you associate with the season. I plan to take a week or so to finish up my sketchbook for The Sketchbook Project which I have slacked off so much on that no progress has been made since that post. Yikes!

Don't get me wrong, 2010 and I got along just fine for the most part although there were some rather jarring changes and quite a few things were shaken up. The year kicked off with my being in the hospital and being diagnosed with Endometriosis which was closely followed by Joe being laid off from his job. As it turns out, the job market for a television specialist in New Jersey is a bit slim so when his old job opened up in South Carolina, we packed up our entire lives and moved. In just two short weeks. At first I was fine, but within weeks of being here I slipped into a pretty depressed state and would spend my time alone sleeping or crying interchangeably. I worked a brief stint at Starbucks to pull myself out of it and was pleased to confirm that some of the people here are even bigger jerks then some of the ones in New Jersey. For Joe's part, he loves his job, likes being here and has already made several friends!

A large chunk of the year was relatively uneventful as I worked on my art more regularly and forged a relationship with Lugh. My eye began acting up and I quit Starbucks (Thank the Gods!). I suffered a bit more depression, saw two of my best friends get married and took some important steps towards healing from past events.

Without further adieu, 2010 in pictorial review:

I'm not one for resolutions at this time of year, I never keep them. However, I know quite a few people who have done One Little Word Project in lieu of a resolution and it's something that appeals to me. I'm cheating a little and using a phrase, because it best suits what I'd like to focus on this year:

Let Go

1. To shout something out or expel something; to shout or express something wildly
2. To relax completely and enjoy yourself
3. To stop trying to control something; to not take action.
4. To stop holding on to something.

This year I will remind myself to let go when I get angry, let go when I feel trapped, let go when I'm worried I'll look like a fool, let go of the past and to let go of whatever else I want or need to during the year.

Are you doing the one word or making a resolution yourself?

Brightest Blessings for the New Year!