Escaping to the Mountains

Recently, we packed up ourselves and Luna and trekked in to Tennessee for a long weekend in the mountains. I got a great deal on a cabin that we could never have afforded at its regular price which boasted seclusion, woodland views and relaxation.

They weren't kidding! After we drove the 3 hours to the bed and breakfast to check in, we drove another 45 minutes up a steep, narrow mountain road which my tiny car was not a huge fan of and found the gravel road that led to the cabins. The outside looked like it could use a little work, but once we went inside it was beautiful! All wood and rustic and clean.

And as an added bonus, there was this sexy soaking tub.

Our first evening there, poor Joe was sick. Fever, sweats, chills, horrible cough. I kept feeding him tea and water while he and Luna snoozed away in the bed. We opted for a cabin without cable, so I found a station on the radio that I liked and took the opportunity to play some Solitaire, listen to my hypnobirthing tracks for the day and do some sketches.

The following day, he still wasn't feeling too hot, so we spent the majority of the day chilling out on the deck in a pair of rocking chairs. On the side of the cabin there was a dead cedar tree, and since my husband is the perpetual boy scout (really, he is.) he took his hand saw out and cut off some of the lower limbs and branches to whittle away at and bring home for bigger projects. Sometime in the late afternoon, I gave the sexy tub and its jets a thorough cleaning and after dinner we had ourselves a nice long (ridiculously long) soak. During which, peering Luna eyes were consistently seen over the edge.

This is why we can't have nice pictures. One of us is always a goof.

The next two days followed a similar pattern. We attempted to find the hiking path to the river and swimming hole that we were told about at check-in, but the only path we found was loaded with poison ivy which we're both highly allergic to. Also, as we were being swarmed by angry mosquitoes and it was a bit hot for this baby bump and I, we eventually gave up and went back to the cabin. We had better luck the next day when we hiked up to a little woodland cemetery. It's extremely well maintained for being as far up a mountain and tucked away as it is and there were a few neat grave stones, including this one that belongs to a confederate soldier.

This was what I suppose people would call our "babymoon" or last romantic getaway before baby comes. It was a well needed break from life, technology and everything else and it was wonderful to be able to truly relax. We didn't leave the mountain, didn't travel in to town. Just wiled away the hours sitting side by side working on small projects, soaking in the tub and just being together.

This was the view as we were taking a "parkway" through the mountains back home. Our little cabin is on one of those mountains, somewhere.

Christmas Wrap-Up

We had a great time on our trip to NJ to visit with our families for Christmas. We haven't gone up in a few years, because it's a long trip to make for a short stay, so when we do make it up, it's always a lot of fun. We went from house to house, visiting our relatives and saw our closest friends as well. But the real highlight, was getting to spend Christmas morning with my 2 year old niece, Khloe. While Christmas morning is always a lot of fun, it's way better with a little kid around; nothing matches the look on their face when they see that Santa arrived. And Santa brought quite the haul to my mom's house, for the 7 of us who were there Christmas morning!

We headed out the day after Christmas to come back and enjoy our last three days off quietly at home. Because while it's always nice to visit and see people, it's even better to come back home. ;) We hit a snag though, about 45 minutes into our trip when a bit of snow caused a massive pileup, entirely shutting down a huge part of the highway. We were more or less parked for 6 hours. We would creep forward every so often, but it took us 6 hours to go a total of 4 miles. So creep may even be a bit generous of a word. Eventually though, we made it through and Joe (because he is stubborn and doesn't like stopping if he isn't tired) got us home around midnight; after a whopping 16.5 hours in the car.

When I got up Friday, we had our gift exchange and late Yulemas together. Joe surprised me with scratch made pancakes for breakfast and a warm fire in the hearth. And we exchanged gifts, which I didn't take many pictures of this year, but we both were super thrilled with the reactions from each other as well as what we received. My highlights this year are a broom he made for me with a large handle from one of our fallen pine branches and bristles made from fallen twigs from various trees in our yard (I don't have a photo yet because, I've been slacking) and the original soundtrack to the movie Legend performed by Tangerine Dream on vinyl. It's been like my unicorn for years; I've only ever found 1 copy of it on CD when I was 14 and haven't seen it since. I've always regretted not picking it up but Joe, through diligent internet searching, found me a vinyl copy in great condition! And since our turntable has a usb output, we're going to put it on my ipod for in car listening. ;)

Tonight we'll farewell the old year and welcome in the new with friends and I'll post my welcomes and farewells here as well. I hope everyone had a fabulous holiday and stays happy and safe tonight!

Brain Rest; Time for a Change

While in Jamaica, I honestly forgot for a few days that I had a life outside of the resort. Which sounds weird and maybe mean, but is nonetheless true. Friends, family, the dog, the house, bills and the troubles of the world at large didn't enter my mind once and when I realized this at the end of our vacation I immediately felt guilty. How could I be such a selfish person?

But the truth of the matter is, I wasn't being selfish. I was doing something I have an incredibly difficult, damn near impossible, time doing - I was living and thinking in the moment. Not worrying about the future, not looking at the past. And it was so very, very refreshing.

That's not to say that's how the whole week went, because it isn't. There was a lot of purging on my part: a lot of things were cried out, kicked out, and left to die in the hot sunlight of those sandy shores. A lot of weight and stress and bullshit that I have no business carrying around got dumped, while my spirit guides cheered me on from the sidelines.

I cannot remember the last time I smiled and laughed so much or so easily. I didn't even realize how heavy I was, until I wasn't. Does that make sense?

When I got on the plane to head out Friday, I was feeling normal. Sort of excited, but mostly tired and burned out. And nervous and stressed out. I've only flown three times and I've never left the country before, so there was some apprehension about the whole process for me. And I'm not going to lie, I got really pissed off and really upset over some really stupid things during that trip. Due to my medical conditions, I have to travel with prescriptions. So, when I had to check the box that said I was bringing pharmaceuticals in to the country and would have to wait in the red line (which takes longer) I was frustrated and angry with myself for needing to bring the stupid medications with me. Silly? Definitely. But I couldn't stop the ensuing panic attack and anger at my silly, traitorous body at the time.

We made it through the line quickly, the guy at customs actually laughed that I had checked the box for my two bottles of pills and explained they're looking for large quantities. He waved us through without any hassle. Which, for reasons unexplainable, made me even more pissed off at myself. Once we got through the airport and on the bus that would take us to the resort, I was distracted by the scenery and forgot all about being angry or stressed out. I'm a raccoon like that; show me a shiny thing and everything else ceases to exist. I wish I could say that was the end of the stress and random meltdowns, but it wasn't. There were a few other ones that first weekend; I was angry with myself for being exhausted and going to bed early. I was angry that I got sick and spent half a day in bed. I was freaked out and upset that people would come up to us when we were out on the water and try to sell us stuff. (I will readily admit, I have personal space issues and am very naive and untraveled so am not used to what's normal in other cultures. Those two things had me in a damn near anxiety attack when a guy selling shells stopped our boat to talk to us and had me almost jumping in the ocean to swim away when he tried to touch me.) I lost my shit when Joe bought something from that aforementioned shell salesmen and then felt horrifically ashamed afterwards and went to bed after berating myself. I fell in to the trap of comparing myself to other women (girls, really) and felt bloated and gross. I cried a lot those first three days, I'm not going to lie. I was frustrated because this isn't how vacation is supposed to be.

Then, when I woke up Tuesday, I felt totally different. The best way I can describe it, is it was very similar to how one feels on the first day they have energy again after a long bought of the flu. That renewed, healed feeling. And nothing mattered anymore. Not those skinny, young girls. Not the locals touching me or trying to put their crafts in my hands so I'd buy them. Not my medical conditions. All the stuff I had been gung-ho about doing while we were on the resort didn't matter. If we went snorkeling? Great. If we sat in the pool all day? Great. If we laid on a beach chair all day? Awesome. We ended up not paying to take the dive class, opting to instead just go on the free snorkeling excursions. I did things that I was afraid to do, snorkeling being amongst them. I'm not a very strong swimmer and I'm extremely buoyant, this has led to me almost being swept out to sea numerous times when I play in the ocean here in the states and because of this, I don't go in past my waist most of the time.

But, here I was, swimming around reefs with the tropical fishes. We also took out the kayaks and went on a tube ride. I made it a point to talk to people I don't know, something I have a hard time doing, and was surprised with how easy it was - both with the locals and other vacationers. I made the conscientious decision to enter Joe and I into a best dressed couple competition where our clothing had nothing to do with it in the end... because we had to get on stage and out dance the other couples. We had our own personal cheering section, including employees who were supposed to remain impartial, because we'd made quite a few vacation friends. And? We totally won!

It was our last day when I realized what a dramatic difference there was in my personality and my mentality. I spoke frankly and honestly about the poor things that happened, without shame for once, to serve as a reminder of what too much stress and too much obligation does to me. That's not who I am, it's a byproduct of taking on too much, spreading myself too thin and not taking time for self care. It's not who I want to be either, and I refuse to go back to that. Refuse.

And so, I've been using the time since we got on the plane to come home, when I was feeling glowing and renewed and as if I was given a fresh slate in the brain, heart and emotions department, to pinpoint the things that cause me stress and either change my perspective or throw them unceremoniously out of my life as soon as possible. I'm going to greedily cling to this easy happiness and this relaxed stress free attitude for as long as possible. This will be made easier because the hubster is on board too, with supporting my changes and not letting the stupid day to day shit get to him anymore either.

The first flag came when we touched down in Atlanta and it was the first time in a week we had cell phone reception. I turned mine on not because I really wanted to, but because I felt like I should and it gave me a pang of anxiety and annoyance as I waited for all of the messages, voicemails, Facebook, Email and App notifications to come through. Now, I'm not a technology hater, not really anyway, but the constant buzz of it in my life and the constant weight of social expectations when it comes to technology... I DO hate that. And so, I had the first thing that adds to my stress levels; my connection to all things tech and to social media.

So, here are the changes I'll be implementing. In list form, because I'm all about concise things right now. Also, how perfect is the timing with Samhain coming up? Deity, Spirit, The Universe give us nudges at the right times... new start for a new cycle of the year.

* Disentangling myself from the social media machine.
- Deleting my personal Facebook page. My blog and etsy pages will remain active for now.
- I enjoy Twitter, so I'm keeping that one. Knocking my follow list down to 50 or less people and checking in only when I feel like it.
- Cleaning up my blog reader lists. There are a lot of blogs that I never visit or that are outdated. I want my time online to be short and meaningful.

* Disengaging from political and religious debates. Most people seem incapable of having these intelligently and without becoming heated or mean. I have my convictions, you have yours, I'm not here to convince you of anything and if you feel the need to try to change my mind or attack me for having differing opinions, well, you can fuck off. :)

* Disengaging from toxic thoughts and relationships. All those things I wrote about before? Toxic. I'm going to work to knock that shit off and quit beating myself up. And everyone has had that friend or family member that makes them miserable, yet they keep them around out of obligation. That's not a good basis for a relationship!

* Letting things go. Changing what I can and accepting what I can't. Not letting other people's problems become mine any more. I can love and care about people without fighting their battles for them or taking the burden of their piss poor life choices in to my own heart. If my friends don't like each other, they can suck it up and deal with it.. we're adults, I can befriend whomever I like and I'm not mediating and catering to people anymore.

* Simplifying. In every aspect.

As Jermaine, one of the locals we talked to every day said when we asked him how he seems to have so much fun at work despite people sometimes being shitty to him (he's a cook at one of the little Bistros on the resort - his food is delicious, he dances while he cooks and his smile is contagious), said: "It's all about taking a rough life easy."

I think I need that tattooed on my forehead. ;)


P.S. It's been almost a week since we got back (tomorrow will be a week) and despite being back in the full swing of this whole "real life" thing, nothing's gotten to us. It's amazing, really, how very much this gift of time away and a brain reset has effected me. I'm beyond grateful.

Gratitude*Tuesday

We're back from our trip and I'm slowly coming back (begrudgingly, footdraggingly) to the real world. To say our vacation was wonderful would be an understatement of massive proportions, it was one of the greatest and most memorable weeks of my life. So much happened while we did so little. I'll have two posts coming up; one where I write about what I'm calling my vacation "brain reset", fear, happiness and changes I'm making and the other will be a bunch of pictures of pretty stuff.

Like I said, baby steps back in to reality. I want to keep the warm fuzzies wrapped around me for as long as possible. So, without further adieu...

This Week I Am Grateful For:

* Scratching "Travel to another country" off the Bucket List!
* Breathtaking Sunsets for a week straight.
* Only having one very mild anxiety attack on the plane and only one burst of white hot anger (deservedly so) at the airport. Flying makes me feel ill and airports give me massive anxiety due to the noise and commotion, but I managed both extremely well.
* Celebrating 5 years of marriage with my amazing husband.
* Making Connections with some of the Jamaican locals; we now have penpals who I hope we'll keep in touch with and see when we eventually make it back!
* Trying new things: Snorkeling, Kayaking and dancing on stage in front of an audience!
* Forgetting about anything and everything except the beautiful surroundings and each other for a few days.
* Fresh Red Stripe.
* Getting to swim amongst the tropical fishes and feed them from my hand!
* Laughing. So, so much laughter.
* And tears. Good tears.
* Coming home and feeling so rejuvenated and energized that we got a fuck-ton of things done around the house including installing a new giant bookshelf, doubling our attic storage space, cleaning out the spare room, filling the freezer with food and decorating for Hallowe'en.
* Still holding on to the warm fuzzies and "no problem" attitude 4 days after we got home.
* October weather! It's unusual for it to be chilly here and I'm LOVING it!

Flying Away

Our bags are packed and we're ready to go! Currency has been exchanged, devices have been charged up. To my husband's surprise I managed to pack my week's worth of clothing into one small (24x12x12) carry one bag. Some women would be appalled by my simplistic approach; I packed 3 dresses, a pair of dress shoes 4 tops, one pair of shorts for sleep and one pair for the beach... And clean undies for 8 days. But me? I hate lugging stuff around and I have a teeny tiny wardrobe anyhow. :) 

We landed in Atlanta an hour ago, our plane begins boarding an hour from now. Then that's it; radio silence for the next week! I'm looking forward to it, even if it means I won't get daily Luna updates. Man, I miss that mutt already. But, she's in good hands being puppy sat in our home by a friend and it'll be like vacation for her too!

Cutting this short to conserve power. Enjoy your week, I know I will! Cross one more thing off my bucket list, please!

A Weekend Visit

We went home to New Jersey for a quick weekend visit with our families; getting there in the very early hours of Saturday morning and leaving to come back to SC yesterday morning. It was a good trip, if as ever, too short.

We spent time in the Pennsylvania woods with some of our closest friends, who we haven't seen in far too long. There was fire, delicious home brewed beer and the sounds of dueling banjos played late in to the night.

There was a visit to one of my favorite cemeteries; built on the side of a steep hill, mossy and shaded by large old trees. Old hand carved tombstones mingle with new laser etched ones. It's a peaceful place for an early morning hike in the cold mountain air.

We hit up garage sales with my mom and niece and got SO many treasures for a measly $20! 2 warm flannel shirts, 4 ties and a folding wooden ruler for Joe. A Polaroid camera, 14 Halloween witches and scarecrow figures, 2 sets of earrings, two hand carved wooden trivets for me and 3 things for Luna.

There was chatter and laughter with Joe's family, sitting in their living room on a Sunday afternoon. Reminiscing about older times, talking of fresh local honey and digging through my ancestry with the help of my father-in-law, the Geneology buff. Joe helped his little sister release a newt back in to the creek behind the house, before playing with the new "toys" (power tools) his dad purchased to help make heating the house by the wood stove easier this winter, while his mom and I talked about our homesteading dreams.

We ate at our favorite little place, an El Salvadorian restaurant and had dinner with Joe's brothers, where we had the worst waitress I have ever had in my life. But, the company made up for the annoyance of poor service.

I colored with Khloe and taught her new, inventive ways to annoy my kid sister, her mother.

I was able to visit with my favorite aunt and my last remaining grandmother. We caught up over donuts and ice cream from the ice cream man. Poor guy, having to deal with two grown ass women waiting for order 10 fudgsicles from him.

And before we went to bed on our last night, we sent firey wishes in to the sky.

Today, my first one back in SC, will be spent unpacking, doing laundry and processing the 30+ pounds of tomatoes my mom and step-dad gifted to us from their gardens. They grow some of the tastiest tomatoes I've ever eaten and sent us back with bags full of the suckers as well as some quarts of homemade sauce. I plan to stew and can these babies to turn in to sauce and use in chili over the Winter.

Gratitude*Monday

I'm joining Taryn at Wooly Moss Roots and several other lovely bloggers in honoring the things for which we've been grateful for throughout the week. A quiet, weekly practice of appreciation and positivity. A time to breath and reflect.

If you would like to join us, just click the image at the bottom of this post.

This Week I am Grateful For:

* Homemade apple butter and pickled vegetables made from the garden bounty.
* Chilly nights and campfires.
* Time with my oldest and bestest friends.
* Spending time with our families.
* A quick and safe drive up to NJ.
* Coloring with my niece.
* Garage Sales with my mom.
* Cigars, Banjos and homebrewed beer.
* Walking through old cemeteries in the cold, early morning light.
* Disco fries (for non-Jersey folks, french fries with mozzarella cheese and gravy.

To join in Gratitude Sunday, click on the image below! Happy Week, lovelies.

Gratitude*Monday

I'm joining Taryn at Wooly Moss Roots and several other lovely bloggers in honoring the things for which we've been grateful for throughout the week. A quiet, weekly practice of appreciation and positivity. A time to breath and reflect.

If you would like to join us, just click the image at the bottom of this post.

This Week I am Grateful For:

* Day trips in to NC! I grew up in the mountains and desperately miss them, so any trips out of the flatlands in to those cool, hulking places of Earth make me so very, very happy.
* Fresh apples (soon to be made in to apple butter and pie!), local honey and old postcards found at an antique store during our day trip. They date from the 1920's and 1930's and feature my much beloved Asbury Park back in it's glory days.

* Getting rained on! What a bizarre thing to be thankful for; but it's true. It was so hot all day long that the thunderstorms that rolled in and drenched Joe and I as we walked through town (why duck in to overcrowded shops? It's only rain.) were a welcome refreshment.
* Tiptoeing back in to my practice of working with oil pastels on a regular basis. I once thought I wanted to make myself do this every day, but if I'm not in the mood to create, I'm not going to force it. That's as bad, to me anyway, as stepping away from something you're working on out of fear. Ick, ick, ick.

*Hubby scrubbing up the bathtub so I could have a good end of the week soak.
* Taking a few hours for uninterrupted self-care/home spa time. A warm bath, a pint of cold Octoberfest, candles, homemade oatmeal bath soak, deep hair conditioning (with natural oils), topped off with a sparkly mani/pedi. For some reason as I get older, I've grown way more fond of bright colors and glitter. My nails used to only be black or deep wine red. Not anymore! The more unicorny it is, the better.

* Time curled up with a book on the couch with a napping hubby and furbabies.
* Taking a self-imposed technology break. Do you ever feel like you've been a bit too sucked in to the depths of social media, the internet, television? Ever been appalled by how much time you've spent vegetating in front of a screen for no good reason? Yeah, me too. I've found myself sitting aimlessly on Facebook or Twitter looking at the same shit over and over again, or getting sucked in to the vortex of "news" and "gossip" that the internet is so good at creating. And so, I've decided to take a break from all that. No social media, limited internetting; I don't count blogging, as to me, this is comparable to writing in a paper journal (which I'm am honestly less likely to keep up with, sad as that is). I'm not sure how long my break will be, we'll see when I feel that I've been off enough to be better at regulating my time. I'm not proud of the fact that this happens to me, that I find myself -for lack of a better word- addicted to the internet, but it happens and so I need to deal with it when it does.
* Finally applying for my Passport. I was so worried about doing it, I'm not sure why! Now, fingers and toes crossed it processes smoothly and comes back fast, so Joe and I can go on our planned vacation to celebrate our 5 year anniversary.

* Small street festivals! It's fun to wander about, dance to live music and sip on craft beers in to the night. :)
* The return of Starbucks' Pumpkin Spice Latte. Normally, I'm not a huge Starbucks fan, but I'm happily devoted to the PSL.

To join in Gratitude Sunday, click on the image below! Happy Week, lovelies.

Up, Up & Away!

Yesterday was a big day for me for a number of reasons: I was able to cross something off of my 30 before 30 bucket list (I saw no point in giving up on it when I turned 30 and carried it over), I was able to face down a fear and be brave, I got to spend the morning doing something amazing and romantic with my hubster!

As I've mentioned previously, I'm afraid of heights. I also have mild bouts of vertigo and am terrified of falling. I don't handle tripping and falling very well, I really freak out when I wobble on the step-stool and I'm not interested in plunging from any great heights. Sky diving is something firmly on my list of 'never-evers'.

So when I bought tickets for us to go on a hot air balloon ride, that was a very big deal. A few people remarked that I'd wasted my money because I'd never do it. It stung, that people who I care about could be so cavalier and cold about a very real phobia and brush off my seemingly small step but I couldn't deny that they might be right. I held those tickets for nearly a year before I called and scheduled the ride, and as I spoke to the woman on the phone about it, I was shaking.

Let me stop here for a moment to express the difference between a phobia and a fear; for those who are lucky enough to only suffer the second one on occasion.

A fear is a normal and healthy response to what could potentially be a dangerous situation. It is our ingrained fight or flight reflex that we've evolved over centuries of being survivors. Typically these don't interfere with our every day lives and don't hold us back. A fear is the butterflies in your stomach when you crest the top of a coaster, the brief moment of worry you experience at a sudden noise in the house, it's feeling a bit apprehensive when you see the needle the Doctor is about to stick you with.

A phobia, on the other hand, is an (often times) exaggerated fear that can interfere with your life. It is a deep seeded terror of things that, to someone without that phobia, may seem silly. People who have a phobia of dogs will be just as terrified of your friendly Yorkie who wants to run up and say 'hello' as they are of a large snarling dog lunging at them. People with a phobia of bridges (and sometimes heights) may drive miles upon miles out of the way to avoid crossing a bridge while driving, or in the case of my mother, pull over and make someone else drive across while you curl up in the backseat and try not to hyperventilate. A person who is phobic of needles may avoid going to the Doctor's office for important medical check-ups and treatments because they are terrified they'll receive a shot. Often times a phobia's attack is accompanied by shallow breathing (hyperventilating), upset stomach and all the ickyness that can bring on, shaking, sweating, snapping off at people, rapidly beating heart and an intense desire to get the fuck out of there right now, no matter what.

As someone with phobias, I can tell you, it's unpleasant and it's terrible. And if you don't have one, then you're infinitely lucky. But don't give someone who has one shit for being 'silly' or 'irrational'. Like so many things that happen in the brain, it's a disorder that the sufferer would typically prefer not to have.

That said, I've decided that I'm tired of being phobic, so I'm going to start taking baby steps to facing my own fears. I've managed to get my height fear (mostly) under control if I'm inside of a building; I try to climb every lighthouse we find when we take vacations. I've started to climb up the ladder (albeit not the tallest ladder and it must be an A frame) at home to do things like paint the trim and gutters... although I move at a snail's pace and cling to the sides for dear life as I go up and down that whopping 6'. I sometimes climb up the rickety folding stairs in to the attic to get things down or put them up. And I went on that 300' swing ride at the amusement park earlier this summer.

Now I know some people will look at that list and go... "So.. you climbed a ladder? That's normal, what the fuck are you so proud of?" Well, Sarcastic Sally, I'm proud of the fact that I overcame several very strong urges to run away, to shit myself and to pass out each and every time I did one of those "simple, normal" things. It's not an easy feeling to overcome. Phobias, while described as exaggerated or imaginary as far as how the phobic perceive things, are very real feelings.

And those are the exact feelings I was dealing with at 6:00 yesterday morning as I looked out a coffee shop window in to the still dark sky. Joe was sitting in a soft chair watching me as I sat down, got back up, paced, went to the bathroom, came out, sat down, got up, paced, went outside, came back inside... repeatedly. I was sweating. My heart was threatening to beat out of my chest. My breathing was shallow. I felt like I was going to pass out. He asked if there was anything he could do to help and I squeaked out "talk to me" as I choked back tears.

No one else was there yet; we had at least 15 minutes until our balloon pilots and chase crew showed up. I must have repeated this cycle 30 times in 5 minutes. The other couple that had shown up kept glancing at me and I felt shame on top of my fear. Joe talked to me about all sorts of other things, that I honestly can't recall and kept giving my hand a squeeze. I announced it was "too fucking hot and I couldn't take it" and we went out in to the deliciously crisp morning air. I decided I was going to be too hot on the flight and that the chances of my stomach causing me great grief and embarrassment were extremely high, so I ran to the car and swapped my hoodie for a soft button up shirt and took several swigs of Pepto.

Our pilots showed up and ushered the now larger group of people to a section inside to tell us a little bit about what the morning had in store for us. I barely comprehended what they were saying because I was trying to remember how to breath. Breath in to a count of 7, hold for 4, out for 8. Repeat. Don't pass out, you dumb bitch. I felt Joe's hand squeeze my knee and heard the words 'If the weather balloon disappears too quickly, we won't be going today'. I secretly hoped we wouldn't be able to go. More shame washed over me as we all climbed in to the van to go to the launch site.

Once there, they let off two balloons to check the winds and determined we could fly. I felt a mix of excitement and terror. There was a briefing where one of the pilots took all of us aside to talk about what we might encounter, what the worst case scenarios could be and what things typically freak first time fliers out. And it was at that point that I started to feel less apprehensive about the whole thing. As he talked about the worst case scenarios for landing, about the number of times they've had something go wrong, about the years of experience between the pilots, the knot in my stomach began to relax and my breathing started to even out. I even looked over at Joe and smiled; which made him grin back at me. After he had finished going over everything, he informed Joe and I we'd be going in the smaller balloon with the other pilot, by ourselves! We were supposed to be taking a shared flight with other people and I'm not sure if 2 people didn't show up or what, but we were to go alone while the 6 other people rode in the larger balloon.

I'm not sure if that was luck or because Joe was the biggest guy there and so would be a better help to our pilot during set up, in case of emergency and tear down, and I really don't care because it was an amazing and unexpected upgrade! It could have been any couple there, but it was us! This also had some effect on calming my nerves as I knew there'd be enough space in the basket that I wouldn't be pressed against a low side or not have a pole to cling to if I wanted it. That I could sit down, if I needed to. We went over to our balloon, Patches, who is as old as I am! (I thought that was sort of awesome & a good sign, having the same birthyear and all). She was beginning to be inflated and we met our pilot, Chief Eagle, who was really an awesome guy! He had Joe help him with set up and told me to take all sorts of pictures because how often do you get to do that? He also told me to try not to worry because he and his 5 year old fly by themselves almost every weekend and if he was concerned about it being dangerous, he sure wouldn't put his kid in the basket.

I honestly couldn't tell you much about the state of my stomach or anything here, because I was focused on taking pictures (a huge comfort/deflection mechanism for me) and was fascinated by the entire set up process. I've seen it before from afar, but it was incredible to be able to touch the balloon and feel the heat from the flames as it was being set up. When Chief said "come on and hop in the basket" I did so with only a minor twinge in my stomach, though my heart rate was climbing up again. Joe hopped in a minute later and our ground crew held us down for another few moments as Chief went over where to hold on, where not to hold on and how to stand when and if he asked us to brace ourselves. Once we had gone over that he gave the all clear and they let us go...

Up...

Up...

and...

Away.

The sensation of taking off is indescribable, really, because it didn't feel like anything was happening. The ride is so smooth and so gentle that if you closed your eyes, you would have no idea you were even moving. There was no 'flip flopping belly' sensation, like heights normally give me, no vertigo to speak of. Just pure, unadulterated awe and wonder and an overwhelming sense of pride and joy with myself. It was beautiful, for more reasons than just the scenery - although that was breathtaking as well. Watching the sun rise over the mountains from above the tree tops... it was unreal. It was serene beyond all of my imaginings as we floated up.

Displaying this one larger so you can see our shadow.

We did a few 'touch and goes' as we went, descending from great heights to graze open fields and at one point, in to a quarry. Our companion balloon also descended in to the quarry, almost to the very bottom. You can see below how very large the quarry is by how very tiny that massive balloon looks! We floated back up, gently, until the breeze caught us again and we continued floating on; the winds pushing us where they liked. You can't steer a balloon, you can ascend and descend, but moving North, South, East or West is at the winds' discretions.

It was so peaceful and ethereal up there, looking in to the horizon and down at the itty bitty tree tops. The cool breeze around you mingling with the warm of the burner. Deer and turkeys sprinting around in fields below looking not much larger than ants, as miniature cars speed along a freeway that resembles a small country road. We stayed between 1,000 and 2,000 feet for most of the ride, dipping down low through the trees once to come to rest next to a small pond before ascending up in to the sky once more. I had completely forgotten to be afraid for the entirety of the ride, so awestruck was I. I forgot to take my usual 500 pictures too, so blown away by the moment and the feeling that I didn't need to cling to my camera - instead firing off under 100 shots throughout the entire hour we were up in the sky. Just enough to remember the sights and bring the sensations in to mind once they've faded away in the day-to-day hub bub of the Real World.

When it was time to land, our companion balloon did so in someone's front yard - something people in the area are used to and many find to be a great thrill! We landed in a small field, not as gently as some would have preferred as we opted to land in a tight space. Chief had us brace ourselves and hold on - feet together, knees together and soft, arms around a pole as he let the air out of the balloon around 30 feet to drop us to avoid trees, power lines and a garden. We hit the ground with a bump that felt remarkably like jumping off a table on to the floor in your home, we bounced and the basket began to tip as the envelope (aka balloon) caught a bit of breeze and dragged us a bit. We ended up on our side, all clinging to the basket and safe inside. Once the drag stopped, we righted ourselves and laughed and smiled as we waited for our chase team to come tether us and help break us down.

It was the sort of landing a lot of folks would have bitched about, but it is actually very typical and we went in knowing that was probably what would end up happening. And I'm glad for the short fall and rough landing, because I didn't panic, I didn't freak out, my stomach was fine and when it was all said and done I had enjoyed that little bit of excitement. We got the entire, well rounded ballooning experience! And I wouldn't have traded it for a gentle tethered landing.

This whole experience was quite honestly, one of the most amazing in my life. Not only did I get to experience the world and nature that I love so dearly from a different perspective, but I fought down that phobic urge to flee regardless of the consequences and conquered, in a very major way, a very serious fear of mine. To say that I am proud of myself would be an understatement, though I'm unsure of how else to describe this fierce sense of accomplishment that is swelling my heart and mind over 24 hours later.

But I can sum all of this up nicely with: I cannot wait to do this again in another season. Cannot wait! This is an experience I wouldn't trade for anything.

P.S. If you want to see all of my photos from the flight, you can do so by visiting my set on Flickr. You can totally tell from the two photos of myself that my mood shifted dramatically. In the first, the anxiety is pretty obvious in my forced smile and ridgid posture and in the second, I look happy. :)

P.P.S. If you're ever in North Carolina and want to take a ride, we went through Asheville Hot Air Balloons. Everyone we worked with was amazing. You can visit them here.