Recovery for Princess Puppy Face

I picked Luna up this morning from the veterinary hospital after the surgeon called and said she had a great night and was good to go. I was so happy to go get her! Above are photos I snapped right after they brought her in to the room to me. As you can see, she's got some interesting hair patterns going on as well as a snazzy souvenir bandana! The one where she's looking at me was taken right after I scolded her for jumping. It was like she had no clue she had just had a major surgery, probably because her pain killers were still fresh in her system.

Not so much this afternoon.

She's definitely feeling the effects of the surgery now, she's been snoozing on and off for a few hours and recently has started whining when she wakes up. Luckily her next dose of medicine is coming up very soon and the poor thing can get some relief.

As for her recovery period, the full extent of it was discussed this morning and it sounds like it's going to suck balls for both of us. For the next two weeks the only time she is allowed to walk around is to go to the bathroom. No wandering the house or playing, she has to be confined in a room with nothing to jump up on (which will be my studio with me or the baby's nursery which is empty right now), put in an exercise pen or crated. After that it's very short, very infrequent walks the schedule for which we'll go over when they check her incision next week. Then, in 4-6 weeks she goes in for x-rays and a follow up with the surgeon to see how the bone is healing and then another 4-6 weeks of continued restricted activity.

During that 20 or so weeks of time, she's not allowed to run, jump, play (aside from chewing on things) or sleep on the couch or bed.

While I'm overjoyed to have her home and happy that she's on the road to a normal knee this should be, er, interesting. Especially with baby's guess date being 7 weeks away!

Luna Petunia is in Surgery

We had a lovely long weekend vacation in a cabin nestled in the mountains of Tennessee. I'll share about that in the next day or two (not much to tell though, there was a lot of lollygagging!) but today was our first day back to civilization and reality and it's been a tough one.

Luna has her reconstructive knee surgery today. I had to take her to the vet this morning, my alarm decided it didn't need to go off and I woke up 10 minutes before we were supposed to be there. So I threw on pants, hopped in the car, called and let them know we'd be 10 minutes late and off we went. Which was a total bummer, because I had hoped to spend some time lazing on the couch with her before I had to leave her. Luckily, the consultation and admissions process took nearly an hour, so we got to snuggle up together before she was escorted out by a vet tech.

Which is hard enough on me anyway. Every time I have to leave her at the vet I feel horrible and sad, walking out of there with a dogless leash. Today the tech handed me her collar for safe keeping before she escorted Luna away and I literally ran out the door so I wouldn't cry in the office. The only time I've ever been handed any of my dog's collars has been after they've passed away. The feelings associated with that simple act are so visceral and overwhelming that I couldn't keep it together. When I rolled in to the Starbucks drive thru to grab a quick breakfast I'm sure the girl at the window was a tad freaked out by the waterworks.

I won't hear anything about how she's doing or how the surgery went until late this afternoon. The surgery itself is to re-align her leg, since she has a genetic defect which caused it to grow a bit curved instead of straight, so her tendons keep her knee cap from sitting properly and therefore keep her leg from working properly. They'll be cutting off a chuck of leg bone and reattaching it in order to straighten the line of her tendon, as well as moving a smaller tendon so that everything will be properly aligned and functional. She'll be in recovery for the next 8 weeks, no running or jumping. Just very, very leisurely 5 minute strolls out to go potty and bed rest for the first little bit and then very slow increases in activity from there.

She's a jack. and a young jack at that. So this bed rest, no running, no jumping thing will probably amount to quite a bit of confinement and being tethered to me with a lease 100% of the time. We'll see. In the meantime, I'm keeping myself as distracted as possible and waiting for my phone to ring.

P.S.

This painting was in the room we were in while doing the admissions thing and every time Luna would look at it she would growl. Guess she's not a fan of Warhol? :)

Perspective and Homesickness

After the wonderful weekend, we entered another tough week. Nothing like the previous ones, but certainly not fun. The culmination of it being Wednesday, when I was finally able to get Luna in to the vet for a limp she's had for nearly two weeks. We'd have taken her in sooner, but with the stomach bugs floating around, I'm sure the vet wouldn't have been thrilled to see us.

So, we had to wait it out. And it became more frequent Tuesday, when I was stuck at my own doctor's office for several hours doing a prenatal glucose test and again unable to take her in. Wednesday when we went in, I was expecting to hear she'd pulled a muscle or somehow fractured something though we haven't seen her injure herself. She never goes outside alone (we don't have a fence) and she hasn't taken a fall off the couch or bed while we've been home with her. Doesn't rule it out, but we didn't see it.

Within 2 minutes of touching her leg, the vet had me come over and place my finger where his was and feel a wiggly piece of something floating in her rear knee. Turns out, that wiggly piece of something is her knee cap which no longer stays in place on its own. They took x-rays to rule out any scar tissue, arthritis or anything else that may be wrong and it turns out she has a deformity of her leg bone which kept the groove that holds her knee cap in place from forming properly. Which means the knee doesn't sit in place properly and is left to pop out as it chooses. So, chances are excellent this has always been an issue for my extremely active and jumpy pup, but due to Jack Russell pain thresholds and stubbornness, she hasn't let on until now. And has only done so now because she can no longer get it to pop back in to place and stay there. She's clever and tough as nails, I'd have cried like I was dying the first time it popped out, not popped it back in lord knows how many times and kept jumping.

So, my poor 2 year old needs knee surgery to grind away the bone and deepen the groove. Our vet office doesn't perform this surgery, so our doctor is working to get us scheduled in to the hospital they refer to and gave me his best shot in the dark estimate for costs, but obviously can't quote accurately without talking to them first. He also prescribed no walks except to potty in the yard, no running and no jumping until they get us in for surgery. I may have to hog tie my poor pup to keep her still when the painkiller and anti-inflamtory she's on wears off:

And, as is always the case, this expense is dropping on us now that I don't have a job any more. Just like with Chico's giant vet bills last month and several other unforeseen expenses. Unfortunately for me, I've always made my own way financially and have always been driven to contribute to our expenses and savings. It's not that I give a rats ass about money or fine things, I just don't want to be a burden to someone else... even my husband. Even before I got pregnant, we'd talked about having a parent at home, something which is incredibly important to both of us. Given that, the fact that I've never been a career person and the fact that day care would suck up my entire paycheck, I decided that I'd leave work a little before baby was born to get things ready and get my own shit together before I took on the job of full time mom.

But the transition has been tough on me. I'm not even going to sugar coat this; I feel lazy, worthless and like a gigantic burden. This is only made worse when something like a surgery costing a couple thousand dollars drops on our laps. It has nothing to do with how Joe sees it, because he admonishes me for feeling this way - reassuring me that it's nice to have me home, not stressed about work and able to take care of myself in the last stretch of baby growing. And I believe him, but my own fucked up sense of self guilt and self worth gets in my way. And so yesterday, I spent a good deal of time crying and feeling like shit.

Until I got to thinking about where we used to be, back when we lived in New Jersey and realized what a sad sack I'm being. You see, if we hadn't taken a risk and made a drastic change when Joe's job moved here to South Carolina a little over 4 years ago we wouldn't be in the situation we're in right now. And I don't mean that in a bad way.

When his job left, we were living in a 500 foot apartment with rent that was $200 more than the mortgage on our 1700 foot house per month. We both were working full time just to scrape by. If we'd stayed there, he may have had to take a job that was closer to NY and make the horrific 2 hour congested commute each way every day in his Jeep. We'd see each other from 7:30pm - 11:30 pm each night, if he got home on time. And if one of us didn't end up with a 2nd job. Our relationship would have become somewhat passive and neither one of us would have time for fun or hobbies, we'd have been unhappy. But let's say we stuck it out, because that's what you do when you love someone. You take the shit with the good.

When his car broke down completely (the back axle was no longer attached when we determined it was dead), we'd have had to try to find another beater car because we couldn't have afforded a car payment. We would have limped my old vehicle with it's 10k worth of needed repairs along too. We wouldn't have been able to afford the safe and reliable car we now have. We wouldn't have been able to replace his broken Jeep with a scooter and a truck. We'd be bleeding out any extra money we managed to scrape together in to gas and car repairs. We'd probably have some towing bills from breaking down on the side of the road.

We'd still be in that shitty apartment with the police station near the foot of it that tripled in size due to all the crime that goes on in it.

We'd never have gotten Luna or any other dog, because pets weren't allowed. We had the cats because you can hide them and they're quiet. Luna would most likely have ended up in a shelter.

When Chico got sick last month, we couldn't have afforded the bill and we'd have made the difficult and painful decision to put him to sleep.

And there's no way in Hell I'd be pregnant. We'd probably never have had a baby, because stability was a tremendously important factor in that decision making process for us. Along with the kid having a bedroom. An expensive luxury where we lived.

Perspective. A huge shift in the way I felt.

People love to ask me if I'm homesick. Especially now that I'm pregnant. They also love to remind me that New Jersey is amazing, that there are so many things I love there, that it's better than where I am now - as if I've somehow forgotten all of that.

I haven't.

But honestly, I'm not homesick anymore. Not really. Because while New Jersey was and will always be my home state and I miss certain things, I'm not oblivious to how shitty our situation was there. I'm not blind to how fucking ridiculously expensive it is to live there. I'm no longer surprised by friends and family who are trapped in shit living situations, in shit houses, in shit jobs... because of how impossible it is to change up there any more. And these aren't people who live beyond their means, these are people in modest homes or apartments trying to eek out an existence on 70+ hour a week jobs and constantly feeling like they're beating their heads against a brick wall.

Almost everyone I know back home is miserable. They're depressed. They're unhappy. They feel trapped and stuck and like they're pissing their lives away on monotonous, unchangeable bullshit. And they can't get out; because as taxes keep soaring and the cost of living becomes even more insane their wages don't increase. And then they pick up second or third jobs and don't have time to even see the place they're pissing their money in to except to sleep.

So, no. I'm not homesick. Because that's not the same atmosphere I grew up in. The one I grew up in was filled with just as many hardworking people, just as many modest and sometimes a little beat to hell homes. But there were weekends on the beach. There were hikes in the mountains. There was time for laughter, relaxation, relationships. And those weren't luxuries just a few people could enjoy.

Don't get me wrong, I miss the kitsch. I miss the beach. I miss the unwavering Jersey Pride and fuck you attitudes. I miss longer Springs and Autumns. I miss being within an hour of the mountains, the coast, and the city. I miss not being asked why I don't sound like someone from that terrible "Jersey Shore" show (uhhh... because I'm from New Jersey, not New York). But I don't miss the life we'd most likely have lived had we stayed.

And I sure as hell wouldn't give up the one I have now.

Wordless Wednesday: Santa!

Gratitude*Monday

I'm joining Taryn at Wooly Moss Roots and several other lovely bloggers in honoring the things for which we've been grateful for throughout the week. A quiet, weekly practice of appreciation and positivity. A time to breath and reflect.

If you would like to join us, just click the image at the bottom of this post.

This Week I am Grateful For:

* Time spent with girl friends, catching up and chatting. Throughout my life, I've had a predominantly male circle of friends, having no patience for the dramatics and cattiness of the majority of women I've known. The way some women want to tear each other apart or act as if their lives are a competition makes me sick to my stomach and so, I typically just avoid female friends. That said, I've taken some baby steps in to giving some of the women I've met down here in to my life and it's been a very good decision; not only do I now have friends who can relate to things my guy friends can't, but they've shown me that not I'm not alone in my hatred of competition and dramatics.

* Good books and wine.

* Brunch made by my awesome hubby! Loaded grits and wine spritzer. Om nom nom! I'm sitting at my desk at work salivating thinking about it.



* Naked toes in the clover that flourishes throughout the backyard.

* Live music and frosty pints.

* Continuing Lughnasadh working at the New Moon and seeing intense, immediate results bringing clarity and a deep sigh of relief.

* Bowling night with my love and some of his coworkers. I'm terrible at bowling but I enjoy it!

* Having the spare pennies necessary to do our first really renovation project in the house and make a space ours. (Post with pictures coming later today.)



* Luna being such a good girl while we took her to the stores with us. A little known fact: a lot of home improvement stores are pet friendly! So we took her to Lowes to get our renovation supplies and then to Petsmart for turtle food and a new toy. She's getting to be a lot more chill with crowds and people in general and no longer seems to need to try to jump on everyone she sees.

* Taking the initiative to sign up for something that scares the living shit out of me. Going to (hopefully) face down these fears and have an amazing time. More on that tomorrow, after I've gotten done, provided the weather holds out. If you're able, send me some calm thoughts and hopes for a safe journey.

To join in Gratitude Sunday, click on the image below! Happy Week, lovelies.

Coffee in the Lap, Gratitude in the Heart

My routine of posting weekly tidbits to remind myself of the many things for which I am thankful, has fallen a bit by the wayside. So, I'm going to pick it back up, brush it off and get back to it.

Why am I doing it on Wednesday instead of just waiting until the weekend? Well, today's been a doozy of a day already. After battling it out all night with a bout of insomnia, I woke up feeling (and looking) like a zombie this morning. I shuffled around the house while Joe and I got things ready to head out the door; breakfast smoothies made, Luna fed and taken out, coffee in cup and ready to go. The furs situated and ready for the humans to leave them to their precious alone time, I kissed Mayor McBeard goodbye and headed out the door.

On my way in, I was stuck behind one of the worst drivers I've encountered in a while. Sharp, sudden stops without reason as they were the only person ahead of me, no signal when they finally turned off. Then I was met with traffic backed up for seemingly forever, so I ducked down another road I knew to avoid the jumble. It was at this point that I went to caffeinate myself, grabbing my giant tumbler of iced coffee... just to be bathed in my delicious smelling beverage.

Cursing and attempting to sop up the mess with napkins, my autopilot took over as I drove. And as I drove along, grumpy about my wasted coffee, traffic and shitty drivers, a road sign appeared ahead of me and I realized I had made an error... I was heading to my old job, not the current one. Turning my car around, my grumpy, zombie feeling self was sorely tempted to call my boss and tell her I was heading home to the safety of my blankets and I'd see her tomorrow.

But I didn't. I dragged my coffee soaked ass in to the office, only a few minutes late, and plopped in to my chair. As I put my phone on my desk, I noticed my background image and it made me smile. And then I flipped through some of the photos from the past week and those made me smile too. And even as the scent of my morning brew wafted up from my (now tan in spots) shirt, the annoyance and stress I had felt earlier melted away as I thought about the things that really matter to me; the things that make my life amazing and so very much my own. Things like:

Plucking and eating the very first apple our baby fruit trees have ever borne.


This amazing sunset, right outside of my house!


This mutt having a clean bill of health at her annual exam! And doing so well in the car now.


This bearded fella who I am lucky enough to call my own. AND! A shiny new brewery close to home that makes delicious beer!

Seemingly small, simple things, for which I am incredibly glad.

Magic in the Mountains; Home

Over Solstice weekend, Joe and I ventured to New Jersey for a long weekend visit with our friends and family. Usually when we go home, it's an incredibly stressful whirlwind trip where we have a schedule that we need to stick to in order to fit everyone that wants to visit with us in.

And of course, for whatever reason they come up with, no one ever wants to come to us or get together with other people as well and it's ridiculously frustrating and the main reason that despite having two weeks off between jobs I did not go home during that time. Thinking about it raised my blood pressure a few points and gave me anxiety. That's not healthy or OK. As is probably evident in that massive run on sentence! Phew.

This time though, things were different. I made it very clear that I was not going to be guilted in to spending 5 days driving all over the tri-state area after making the monster drive North of the Mason Dixon line. If people wanted to come to me, they could, but that people we have not seen since we moved 3 years ago, as well as time with our families and a solid day or two to just chill out (like an actual vacation!) took priority. Some people were offended; there were some text messages meant to make me feel badly about my decision, a few people even called me selfish for wanting a day to lay on the beach and I responded with the road runs South as well before presenting them with their very own Jersey State Bird.

You can take the girl out of Jersey, but you can't take the Jersey out of the girl.

And despite some consternation and passive aggressive bullshit, I'm pleased to say this was hands down, the best trip we've ever made home. The lesson learned here? Boundaries! Set them. Stick to them. Don't take guilt. I'm going to get that tattooed on my forearm so I remember to do the same in my day to day life, but that's another story.

We left for the North on the Wednesday afternoon before the Solstice, driving North on a long, boring stretch of highway. Things were uneventful; Joe and Luna were curled up together snoozing in the passenger seat as I drove through Virginia, Killjoys playing on the stereo. I was lost in thought, which here really means worry, about a plethora of things: the trip itself, seeing friends I've not spoken to in years, how Luna would do with all the fuss and strangers, truckers driving too close to me, shitty friends in the South, myself. I was in deep, and I remember fingering the Mercury dime I carry with me while I travel thinking, "Hermes, I just need to know it'll all be OK. I know that's a cheesy request, one I haven't made of you since I was a girl, but I feel so wound up and fretful I can barely stand it anymore."

And then the heavens opened up and it poured so hard that I could barely see 15 feet in front of me as my tiny car slowly climbed the mountains. I was all dour and grumpy, turned the radio up some more, griped at Luna for whining and drove onward. And just as quickly as it started, the rain stopped and there was this:

The first rainbow I've seen in over a year, breaking through the dark clouds right in front of me. Some people aren't quick to see or believe in signs, but I'm not those people. For me, that rainbow, and the three others I saw after each burst of heavy rain, were the warm 'hug' that I needed from the Divine. A pat on the shoulder and a nice cup of tea that told me not to worry, because it will all be ok. There was so much Magic in the Virginia mountains on this trip for me and I never had to leave my car to experience it. I merely basked in the glow of the sunlight as it slanted in that odd way that is has right before a large storm and drove onward, singing. Head cleared.

A few hours, more rain showers and some dark roads later we landed at my mother's house to sleep. In the morning we were awoken by my niece, Khloe (who is now 2 years and a few months old - where did all that time go?!?) saying 'Hello' and playing with Luna. It never ceases to amaze me how gentle Luna is with kids, despite her extremely energetic personality.

Best Friends!

We spent the day with my sister and niece before going to visit Joe's parents and sisters at his childhood home. Driving the short 20 minutes between the houses made us both so homesick for the landscape as we passed several lakes bordering winding hilly roads that are shaded by large oaks and maple trees. There's something so magical and comforting about the thickness of the tree canopy there that's missing here in South Carolina.

That, and driving anywhere makes me want to claw my eyes out as all the roads are flat and straight and bordered with red clay and scrubby pines. But, I digress. The fact that New Jersey is so beautiful (a well kept secret from those who don't live there, honestly) makes every place else seem sort of 'blah' to me.

Lake by Joe's parents' house.

While we visited with them, his dad and I went over some of my Geneology because he loves to do that sort of thing and I've always been completely clueless about my heritage on my mother's side of the family. Dad's half Irish and half Ukrainian (explains a bit about me, doesn't it?) but whenever I've asked my mother or my grandmother about their ancestry I've always been met with 'who cares' or 'I don't know'. Well, we were able to dig as far back as the mid 1700's fairly easily before the trail went cold and there's something very, very interesting to note:

Between the mid 1700's to present, my family has lived in Northern New Jersey. From what we could find I am one of, if not the first, in my mother's direct family line to leave the state in over 300 years. I jokingly told Joe that from now on when I discuss heritage I'm going to say 1/4 Irish, 1/4 Ukrainian and 1/2 Jersey. I also, not as jokingly - honest-, told him that should we ever have kids I'm going to have to travel back to the 'Homeland' to give birth because I'm somehow sure if I do it elsewhere I'm going to bring some sort of curse (like chicken feet) on to my bloodline. It was interesting to rifle through all the old documents and get as far as we did and made this girl even more fiercely proud to be from New Jersey. (He did, in the last few weeks track back further and found that at least part of my mother's family hails from Germany with a couple of years spent in Canada sprinkled in between Europe and The U.S. for extra interest.)

For Solstice, I spent the evening with a friend while Joe went to meet his brothers for dinner. She and I went to one of my most dearly held spots in North Jersey Sunrise Mountain, to watch the sun set on the Longest Day. The energy on the mountain top was incredible, it moved my heart in a much needed way and allowed me to know that despite my lack of ritual, workings or other trappings that I'm in the right place on my path right now. I smiled at mighty Sun as the wind whipped my hair then turned to watch his sister, Moon rise up behind us swollen nearly to full. It was hazy, but still a breathtaking view as the two did their eternal dance.

We walked back down the craggy path to our car in the twilight, careful not to fall or lose our footings. A simple, yet deeply meaningful way to acknowledge the Solstice. Yet more magic in the mountains for this Witch, but this time, in the Mountains of my heart.

Right Here, Right Now

Sitting at the kitchen table right now, watching the storm clouds roll in and sipping a tall glass of ice water. Just breathing, tasting the remnants of garlic from my lunch on my tongue. Luna is curled up around the lone foot on the floor, snoozing, as my other foot perches on the chair rung. A bad habit that leads to often achy knees.

The leaves have taken on that green that's ever so slightly too bright and the first thunderclap sounds before the heavens open up and the rain commences. A furry carpenter bee bumbles up on to my window ledge to get out of the water, the eve of the house keeps his wings dry. The pounding of the rain on the rooftop mingled with the howling wind and thunder wakes Luna who proceeds to bark at the window; protecting her home from the mean spirited weather.

It's silent in the house as I close the windows, dark too. I notice my head isn't running in the circles of 1,000 thoughts a minute; the would have, should have, could have, must do, want to, need to of day to day life rolled up and fighting with ambitions, dreams and memories. I take a moment to just savor the sound of the rain, the color of the sky, the stillness of the house.

This must be what being right here, right now, in the present is. If so, I hope these moments find their way in to my life more often to pull me back from the knife edge of hustle and bustle living and wrap me up in the soft, cozy embrace of slow present contentment.

Then again, I've always loved a good rain storm.

Gratitude*Monday

I'm joining Taryn at Wooly Moss Roots and several other lovely bloggers in honoring the things for which we've been grateful for throughout the week. A quiet, weekly practice of appreciation and positivity. A time to breath and reflect.

If you would like to join us, just click the image at the bottom of this post.

This Week I am Grateful For:

* That I'm married to my best friend. That I'm lucky enough to have a husband that supports me in my dreams, decisions and goals. That we can laugh together, love together, be bummed out together. That he'll hold me when I cry over stupid things, brush my hair out of my face when I'm sick, rub my feet after a long day and gives me executive control over paint colors in the house. I don't think I say it enough, but I'm a lucky lady.

* New glasses. Now that my peepers have adjusted to the change in prescription, it's nice to be able to see clearly again. Due to my eye disease, my script has changed dramatically over the past 3 years - it's a bit ridiculous to me that I was O.K. with seeing as poorly as I did with the last glasses!

* Catching up on our favorite shows while cuddled up on the couch at night.

* Fat, buzzy bees!

* Purchasing a new turntable so we can listen to the new (to us) vinyls we've acquired as well as some old favorites. Our collection is growing and I adore it! It sounds cliche and it makes me seem like a music snob (which, I really sort of am) but there's so much depth to the sound of vinyl, so much soul in these albums. I pick up an old, pre-loved album and it's got history and a story to it. Also, I love that our local record store doesn't label them "used" but as "pre-loved".

* Eating the homemade pierogis my lovely made. Oh my gosh you guys, not only is he dreamy AND handy, he can cook! Gonna have to beat the ladies off with a stick now that they know!

* I hit a downward mood-swing due to moon-time hormones and was able to pull myself out of it more quickly than I've been able to do previously, with a minimal amount of tears. I'm grateful that I'm better able to recognize and take control of my feelings when I need to.

* Perfect relaxing afternoons in the hammock with dogface, my sketchbook and a cold beverage!

* Bird songs. Sparrows circling around us on our afternoon walks. The hawk wheeling low overhead while I'm in the hammock.

* Switching off on Sundays, unplugging from technology to spend some time together without digital distraction. The only exceptions to the rule are music and our phones/cameras but we can only use them as such. No piddling on games, email or the internet. Sundays have moved from a frustrating day where everything is closed (ugh!) to one of my favorite days of the week, regardless of the weather. Last night we listened to music on the new turntable, bullshitted and played darts. I have a secret; I used to suck at darts. I'm getting better, but I consider it dumb luck because when I try to aim I do terribly. When I just go ahead and throw, I do much better. Weird, right?

* Visiting with a friend from out of town who we haven't seen in nearly two years. Spending time showing off our little town as well as kicking back and catching up at the house.

* Mommy/Daughter pedicure day with Luna. Yes, I'm a little bit crazy. ;-) Also, random factoid: the only color I ever paint my toenails is electric blue.

* A fancy new batik bandana for my hair.

* Almost all of my baby plants seem to be going strong! The exceptions being broccoli, which bolted in the heat and the ghost pepper which for reason I can't figure out, has lost all but 1 leaf.

Gratitude*Monday

I'm running a wee bit behind for this week's Gratitude*Sunday with Taryn at Wooly Moss Roots and the other lovely bloggers who join in. But, I was on vacation and try very hard not to be addicted to the internet while the lovely and I are spending quality time together. Instagram is the exception of course, I love that nonsense. ;-)

So, Gratitude*Monday it is! And, who couldn't use a little gratitude on a Monday?

This Week I'm Grateful For:

* Having the balls to write a letter to a friend and deliver an ultimatum that's about 2 months overdue. When it comes to people I love, I'm typically a wet blanket. In this instance though, things needed to be said and I needed closure. And I'll get it even if I never hear anything back because I'm terribly clever when it comes to the wording of certain things.

* This was spurred on by my little bit of Brave earlier in the week. That cactus from my past and I have not spoken since, but I've left the ball in his court and if he wants to catch up I'm more than willing. If not, I've at least said my piece about why I left our friendship in shambles three years ago (straight up cowardice and low self esteem) and have, it seems, been forgiven. I would be lying if I didn't admit that I'm hoping we'll eventually rekindle some form of friendship, but again, knowing he's fine, he's forgiven me and getting closure will help that aching wound to heal even if I do always have a twinge of regret.

* That I have much better self esteem than I did 3 years ago.

* A quick trip to the Tennessee Mountains to see Gatlinburg! So much moonshining, attraction visiting and shopping in just two days... I feel like we did a week's worth of stuff! As always, I'm pleased as pie to have been able to hit up the local aquarium and sit and watch the sharks for an absurd amount of time. While nearly every aquarium has the same species of shark (sandtiger, nurse, dogfish and sawtooth) I don't think I'll ever get tired of watching them.

* Luna being such a good girl on her first vacation and hotel stay! We were able to leave her alone in the room to visit some of the attractions and she was so quiet the hotel staff had no idea she was even there! When we checked out, they complimented me on having such a good baby. Which is of course, esay to say when you don't live with her! ;)

Look at that regal beagle!

* My last day at the bank!! No more irate customers, crappy schedules or sweater vests!

* Nights out with my lady friends! When I moved down here, I didn't expect to make many friends because, well I'm a bit odd. And I certainly didn't expect to have such a great group of girl friends since I typically have an easier time making friend with guys. Much to my surprise and delight, I have several! And they're all fantastically open minded and supportive, which is amazingly refreshing.

* A dude who loves me unconditionally and wants nothing more than to make me happy. Really. I am so fucking lucky it's not even funny. Weekend getaway? Potato Pancakes? Need a huge hug because I'm crying for no reason? Have a crazy idea for furniture pieces that will take 3 weeks to build? Want to take over half of the living room to paint despite having a studio? Want to drink too many mudslides? Go in to awkward stores? That's all cool with him. And since I'm a moosh (and maybe had a few too many mudslides...) I'm repeating again; I'm lucky as shit!

* Didn't get any of my plants in to the ground as early as I'd have liked... but it's been freezing, so it works out! Who'd have thunk it?

* Painting! I am in the zone right now and hope it keeps up. I spent between 12 - 15 hours on assorted projects this week; just for me. Sorry loves!


* My Chemical Romance's "The Life and Time of the Fabulous Killjoys" album. I've been listening to it nonstop.


* Lastly, Mudslides. Made with some souvenir Chocolate Whiskey from Gatlinburg, Butterscotch Shine from right here in G'ville, Shine infused with coffee in my own kitchen (don't worry, we bought the legal corn shine and just infused it with coffee. Nothing illegal in my kitchen!) and Bailey's creamer. Yum! Cheers, Monday!

P.S.

Also, this song. Which has been stuck in my head for days. I'll admit it. I love Snow Patrol.

A Little Catch Up

It's a beautiful, albeit cold, morning. The sun is shining, the robins are singing and hopping all over my back yard and I've had my morning coffee so I feel like a semi-functional member of the human race! All in all, a good day so far.

I haven't been the most intensely chatty person as of late and I worry that some folks will start to wonder if they've offended me somehow. I can assure all of you friends and lovelies that if I were upset, angry or apathetic towards you there would be no doubt. I would give you the courtesy and respect of letting you know and not beat around the bush about it and play games; which is something that I'm dealing with from someone I fancied to be a fairly good friend right now. We're dancing the dance of the awkward; I try to get somewhere and am met with total silence or short answers on his end. At this point, I'm ready to throw in the towel, put my hands up in the air and just say "Fuck it! I'm tired of putting forth all of this effort!" But something won't let me, whether it be my inexorable need to no longer give up on someone I care about until it's really over (hard lessons learned.) or that I feel in my gut that he's in a bad spot and will eventually come out of it and need a friend - whether he's willing to admit it and ask or not.

In my own case, my silence is more because I haven't been on the computer as often as I used to be and when I am, I read but rarely comment. With Spring busting out down here and my painting and spiritual practices re-awakening, I've had less and less time to sit my bum in a chair for a few hours. Which in all honesty, is probably a very good thing! But, I'm still around. Reading, listening and acting as a silent support.

Along the same vein, and I don't think I've mentioned this here before, back in the day (a decade plus a year or three ago) I was fairly active on a gaming forum and Livejournal. Those things, as odd as this will sound, helped me get through some of the darkest and toughest times of my life and all of the people I met and befriended there really helped me be comfortable in my own skin. Because as a depressed, awkward and socially anxious teen/young adult it was amazing to be able to open up to people, be yourself and have them like you. I've actually stayed in contact with some of these friends all these years and others have drifted off, some in the usual way and some in heart-rending fashion. Some have floated in to the far reaches of my memories and some I still think about and miss pretty regularly. (My missing Cactus.) Earlier this week, out of the blue, I got a message that a bunch of oldtimers from the forum had returned for a sort of reunion and was invited to join in and it's been really sort of incredible to see that we all turned out OK! We've gone out and traveled the world, helped rebuild lives and towns, saved lives, gotten married, made babies and all grown up in big ways. Nothing will make you feel more good about yourself than looking back on yourself in your late teens and taking note of how far you've come; honest. Having people who knew you back when you were 50 pounds lighter tell you that you still look great doesn't hurt either! Ha.

In other news, it was Luna's birthday earlier this week! My little dog face has gone 'round the sun once already! Where does the time go? It seems like just yesterday she was a measly 4 pounds of confusion and heart ache for me as I waded through what I'm now referring to as "post-Puppy Depression", aka, learning to live with something that requires a lot more from you than a cat or husband does! I'm pleased to say, our lives have gelled together a bit better now despite finding ourselves still occasionally scratching our heads about the logistics of some aspects of life with Dog and her still having some guarding/grumpy issues. Those things aside, I'm rather loving life with my furs. Now if I could just get the boys (aka cats) to finally see things my way... life would be grand!

On Luna's birthday, we took her on her first visit to Petsmart to pick out some new toys and then made her wear a party hat. She clearly enjoyed one more than the other! ;)

And in the most exciting news of all... I finally found another job! So I'll be leaving the hell that is the bank behind in just over a week's time to go work with a friend of mine as an administrative assistant. I'll have a set schedule for the first time in nearly five years and weekends off with the lovely. I'll work morning/early afternoon, so I'll have plenty of time to come home and paint, work out, play with dog face and take care of things around the house without feeling incredibly stressed and rushed as I hurry to cram all of that in to sporadic 1-3 hour increments throughout the week. While I'm really excited, I'm also sort of nervous... it's been a while since I was in admin, but luckily I'll have someone there to help me sweep out the cobwebs quickly enough!

It took 13 months, but I finally got to use a fake name at Starbucks! Scratch that one from the bucket-list!

What have you all been up to?

P.S. Finally broke out my DSLR for some play-time this morning! It's been way too long since we've spent quality time together and despite my fingers freezing off (that may be a light exaggeration.) it felt good to be snapping pictures again. I'm a bit rusty, so it'll take me some time to get more good shots than bad, but I'm pretty darn pleased with this one of one od my numerous Robin friends - even if it IS centered. Shut up, photo snobs. :P

Roadtrip and Birthday Cake

We took a whirlwind trip home to New Jersey over the weekend, driving up Friday for a quick two days of family, friends and fall fun. While we were driving up, I was snapping photos out the windows of the beautiful scenery - the drive is long, but it's also gorgeous. Especially this time of year.

These were all taken with my cell phone. In our rush to get out the door at 5:00 am I forgot my DSLR. I am most definitely not a morning person.

Sunrise in North Carolina.


These thick patches of fog were all over North Carolina, they looked like extremely low floating fluffy clouds.


This little farm is right off the interstate in southern Virginia.


This pretty house is nestled amongst the hills in the Shenandoah Valley in Virginia. Again, right off the interstate.


Pennsylvania Dutch Country.


Yet another farm, in Pennsylvania.


New Jersey: Luna meeting her cousin, Khloe, for the first time. These two have been inseparable!

Why the whirlwind trip? My best friend Laura, who I've known since we were 4 years old, is turning 30 and has never, ever had a birthday party. Crazy right? Her mom's a Jehovah's Witness, so growing up she never had one and as an adult she's always just gone out to dinner to celebrate. So her cousin, myself and our friend Heather decided to throw her a surprise party filled with balloons, party hats, favors and cake. The sort you'd have when you turned 10, but with beer.

To add the final cherry on top, Joe, Luna and myself made the 800 mile trip to surprise the hell out of her. We nailed it! She was surprised enough to see a bunch of people at her house but when she saw us, she very nearly cried. :-)

Surprising the birthday girl!


Luna, Laura and I.


What sort of childhood party doesn't include creepy clowns? I happen to live with the one on the right. ;)


Opening her gifts in front of everyone and laughing at something hilarious!


Blowing out the candles.

After Laura blew out her candles, I was surprised myself when her cousin brought out an anniversary cake for Joe and I complete with candles! She was so excited that we made the trip up on our anniversary weekend that she decided we needed to be celebrated too! I have no photos of that, because I was too busy laughing as everyone started singing 'Happy Anniversary to you'.

Some people are annoyed that we were up and didn't have the opportunity to visit them, I've received a few angry messages already. But I'm letting it roll off my back because as I wrote in my last post, I'm not paying excess attention to those who bring me down anymore. So to those people I say, I was home far too briefly to see everyone and the road travels South as well as North.

Aside from those party poopers, this trip is exactly what my heart needed. While I'm already homesick, I feel renewed.

The Cone of Shame

Yesterday was Miss Luna's 6 month UnBirthday. Unfortunately for her, she swapped out a party hat and cake for painkillers and this beauty:

The Cone of Shame! Please, keep the mocking to a minimum. After all, the wee princess still has her pride:

My poor, pouty girl was spayed Monday afternoon. No puppies for her! When they took her away from me at the vet's office along with her little stuffed toy, I barely made it to my car before I bawled my eyes out. Really, she was only going to be gone for one night and I couldn't handle it. I felt like a horrible fur-mommy, I just knew she was going to be upset about being in a weird place with weird people over-night. People told me she would ignore me the next day in a snooty fit of anger. I was worried to death until they called me to tell me she was awake and doing well; her surgery went smooth as can be.

Then in the morning, I was there at 10am on the nose to get my girl. When they brought her out, at first she was calm and just looking around and I felt my heart drop a little. But then, she saw me and she freaked out. She was so excited to see me she peed on the nurse and I couldn't help but laugh and maybe cry again - just a little bit. Then the nurses went over how I have to keep her from jumping and getting too excited and again, I laughed. Seriously, would you imagine this critter had just had a major surgery?

But she did. And in between snoozing and crawling on my lap and bumping into things with the cone she even found time to audition to be the next iconic Gramophone dog.

It's amazing to me, how very attached to this fur baby I've gotten since we brought her home to live with us in April. And how very far we've come from those miserable (seriously, I'm not going to pretend they were magical and wonderful) first weeks of potty training, crate training and getting used to a new 'person' to fit into our schedule. I wouldn't ever want to go back, but I'm happy we persevered.

Happy UnBirthday Loony Miss Luna!

A Day at the Lake

This past Saturday we took a day-trip to one of the local lakes, where our friend's father owns a home. We got up early in the morning, packed the car with a cooler, some swim suits, some doggie things and Miss Luna Petunia herself and headed southbound for a day trip.

When we pulled up to the small summer cottage, it made me ridiculously, awfully, knot in the belly homesick. Driving through the community was like driving through where I grew up and the house itself was eerily similar to the converted summer home I grew up in. Right down to the knotty pine paneling and cabinets in the kitchen. It also had that amazing effect that bodies of water tend to have on me; I could feel the stress just blowing away on the cool breezes, my body relaxed noticeably and I couldn't stop grinning. It had the same effect on Joe, who grew up in a very similar community on the edge of a lake.

When we first went down to the water, my friend and I went out onto the dock while Luna and Joe tried the water. Now, Luna is not a water loving dog. When you give her a bath, you may as well be trying to kill her and the kiddie pool we got for her is a big water dish - not something to play in. But I looked up and there she was, paddling as hard as her tiny legs would allow out to us on the dock! Future attempts to re-create her initial swim were hilarious failures. At one point she swam back to shore and sprinted around the yard in circles, refusing to get near any of us tricky people. Until she got tired, then she wanted whichever lap was closest.

Once we tuckered out the pup, we took a ride on the pontoon boat and lucky her, she was invited along. It turns out, I'm married to Panama Jack and my dog is a born sea-fairer! As we puttered about the lake, doing a good job emptying the cooler, my friend's father told us about some of the lake's history. It's man made and at the bottom there are still the remnants of houses and roadways from the town they flooded out long, long ago. An island in the center of the lake is called bomb island, as it was a place where they did practice runs during World War II. Nowadays though, it's the largest roosting place for the Purple Martin in all of North America. Apparently, at night you can watch several thousand birds come in to roost. We didn't get to see that this time, but hopefully one day we will and I'll be armed with my camera instead of my phone to get some pictures.

Not a square photo, lol.

To round out the day of beautiful sights and sounds, we were able to see both an eagle and an osprey hunting in the shallows while we sat on the porch eating dinner. As we drove home that night, with the scents of sunscreen and bug spray in the air, the sandy grit of spray in my hair and the first crackling feeling of sunburn on the edges of my face, I felt better than I have in months.

I'm not sure when, but one day, we'll move back to the edge of the water.