Moonday Musings: Thanksgiving Weekend

We had a wonderful Thanksgiving, I'd say probably the best one we've had in a few years. We stayed home and invited a few friends over. Joe woke up at 5am to start cooking the big things - ham and turkey- Acorn and I woke up a bit later and watched the parade on TV (well, I watched while I played with him) before I worked on my offerings of raspberry chocolate pound cake and fresh cranberry sauce. Our friends brought the rest of the sides as well as 4 (yes - 4) pies!

Everything was delicious and we all had very full bellies. After we ate, we spent the remained of the afternoon, evening and early part of the night talking and playing games. Acorn slept soundly despite our loud laughter. Everyone went home around 11 pm, and Joe and I went to bed tired but happy. It's been a long time since we had a house full of people having fun and to be honest, it's been a bit lonely. While I'm a bit of a loner, I'm also someone who lives entertaining people. As ever, I'm an anomaly.

We spent my least favorite day of the year, Black Friday aka The ShitShow of Greed and Commercialism, snuggled in bed until late. Then getting up to eat breakfast, pack away the Autumn decor and start lugging the Christmas stuff out of the attic. We also spent a good amount of time trying to get Acorn to nap, as he's entered the dreaded 4 month sleep regression and seems to have gone back to his newborn days of fighting naps to the point of exhaustion. Having tried every trick in my arsenal to get him to sleep on his own, I threw in the towel and strapped him to my chest in the Babyhawk while we decorated the front yard. As Joe hung up the lights on the house and I decorated the tree out front, Acorn drifted off to sleep. Success!

We did venture out in the early evening, once all the traffic and madness had died back, to visit our favorite local brewery for their "Black Stout Friday" event. 9 delicious stouts on tap and a string band on a chilly night cannot be beat!

Saturday and Sunday found us out and about. We browsed tool stores, picked up a few items we needed from the store and looked for our annual Yulemas tree. We visited the lot we've gone to each Christmas since we bought the house, a little family run affair that brings their trees in from their family farm in North Carolina. Acorn got to touch his very first fir trees as we looked around and Joe and I had small heart attacks over how much the price of trees has increased since last year. With only one income this year, a $70 tree that was already cut and not in a pot to be replanted was not in our budget. We snapped some photos while we were there, as I do every year, but we ended up buying a much more budget friendly tree elsewhere.

Today the nap fighting continues, Acorn's longest snooze being about 35 minutes. I managed to get in the shower and am writing this up on my phone as he dozes off beside me in the bed; he seems to sleep longer with me beside him right now and I'm willing to do whatever it takes at the moment to help him get the rest he very much needs. I hate typing on my phone, but I forgot to grab a book or my journal and when I go to roll away his eyes pop open. Ah well.

Plans for the afternoon include a stroll around the block since it's fairly warm, repainting an old window frame to use in my holiday mantle display, dusting the altar and swapping Autumn things for Winter ones and, if I'm really lucky, organizing the freezers.

The excitement never ceases!

Musings on a Tuesday: The Contradictory Season

In this season of my personal Winter and the beginning of Nature's great Winter, I find myself drawn inward. Craving only the company of a hot cup of coffee or a steamy pot of tea, my fibers, threads and fabrics and perhaps some music. It's a season of introspection, of slowing down and of sitting with my soul. I do the deep work at this time of the year, as I stitch, crochet or recently, spin. My mind wanders, fingers trailing the lengths of fiber like Theseus' trail inside the Minotaur's maze, and I go to the dark places. Dredge up the things that the Summer sun beats in to submission, to sit with them and determine what needs changing, healing or burning off.

It's a time to inventory my thoughts, to stitch up the tears in the fabric of my mind and to recharge. Time to do the work that is best done alone, where the opinions and emotions of others cannot affect it in any way.

However, it is also the season of gathering and giving thanks. It is a time to be flung in to the mix of our communities and tribes, to laugh and reminisce and step in to the light of gratitude and joy. The joy of having these communities; be they blood family, chosen family or friends. Gratitude for the things that sustain us. And so, in the season of my introspective Winter, there is a tug to be social and to spend time with cherished ones. There is a giddyness that overtakes me and makes me agree to doing more than my inner self probably appreciates me taking on, like hostessing a Yuletide party where everything needs to be just so, or cooking Thanksgiving dinner for friends who don't have nearby family, or picking a half dozen names off of every wish tree I come across though my funds are tight or nonexistent.

It's a contradictory season for me, this desire to be social and to love on my friends and family battling with my need to be alone and do some soul work. Some years I'm frantically sprinting around the house with my blood pressure soaring and cursing myself as I try to get everything ready and other years I manage to keep this balance with barely a sweat breaking out.

I don't think it's a coincidence that the latter happens when I've been working fibers regularly. My fingers work a trail for me to follow through the labyrinth and the fibers themselves ground me. The work is humbling, it is simple and it keeps me in the moment. I truly believe it is the reason that I, for the most part, leave the vibrant colors of paint and pastel behind when Winter comes. Because in a contradictory season, especially one with so much baggage and expectation behind it, I need something to keep me connected to the simple and to myself.

Moonday Musings: Family and the Zoo

Saturday evening, for the first time since we left New Jersey for the South, my mom's car rolled in to my driveway with my step father, my sister and my niece in tow. And I was so happy to see every one!

We gave them the penny tour of our home, went out to get groceries for dinner, called my brother who lives just down the road and had a great time chatting and laughing. My family was smitten by Acorn, Khloe - who is now 3- kept referring to him as her best friend and telling us all how much she loves her best friend. Luna chased everyone around the yard as they stretched their legs after the long trip, my brother was dragged off in to the other room by Khloe to play legos and watch Barbie cartoons and I grossed out my mom and sister by telling them that I ate my placenta after we'd had a conversation about how incredible the human body is. To be fair, my sister brought it up by saying "Did you know you can eat that?" and I said, "Yup, because I did! Not with onions like a liver or anything, but powdered in capsules." Priceless reactions afterwards, lol! Everyone stayed up way later than they probably should have, given how early they'd gotten up, but my brother and his fiance haven't seen the rest of the family in 2 years and everyone wanted to hold my son and it was just good to catch up.

Also, we had "family portrait time" with my entirely uncooperative family. My brother's fiance did her very best to get a good picture, but mom my, brother and sister all HATE having their pictures taken and so, don't ever take them seriously. In the end, that's ok, because this is the one I'm going to print out, hang on my wall and give them all for Yuletide. ;)

Yesterday morning we were all up bright and early and Chris and Katelyn (my brother and fiance) drove over so we could all go to the zoo downtown together. It's a small, but really nice zoo and Katherine (my sister) was ridiculously excited to see the baby giraffe that lives there. It was Acorn's first trip to the zoo and it was amazing to see how inquisitive and attentive he was, even while he was riding in the Ergo on dad's chest. (I'm usually the baby wearer, but I've been dealing with a terrible bought of sciatica, so sadly, no snuggles were had by me). This time, folks were *slightly* more cooperative for photos. ;)

The Rogue's Gallery. My sister, Katherine, Brother Chris, Niece Khloe (who took to uncle Chris like you would NOT believe, but due to her obsession with Frozen, calls him "Hans"), Acorn, Joe, Me and Chris' fiance, Katelyn. Also, my mom's first time using a DSLR. Not bad mom, not bad at all.

Today, we'll take them downtown to walk Main Street, get some lunch, maybe do some shopping and visit the gorgeous park. They'll be leaving either tomorrow morning or Wednesday, they haven't decided yet. But either way, I wish they were staying longer. It's been nice having everyone here, having several extra hands to help with Acorn since my back is fucked up, I don't know when our next trip to NJ will be and there's so much more I'd like to show them.

I'll just have to keep my fingers and toes crossed that they feel up to making the long trip again sometime. :)

Monday Musings: Farewell, Sweet Boy

Chico 12/24/08 - 11/3/14

When we bring an animal in to our home and invite them in to our hearts, the promise we make to love and care for them includes the entirety of their life.

Which includes the end of it. And sometimes, when to end it.

The decision to send our beautiful Chico across the rainbow bridge is long delayed. My human heart wasn't ready to listen to the cues he's been dropping for over a year.

Which is how long it's been since he came to Joe for his morning cuddles.

Months since he's come to sit behind me on the couch to bat me in the head and demand a belly rub.

Weeks since he's eaten properly, used his litter box to pee or come out of hiding to do more than eat a little and smack Luna in the head.

But oh, the times I did catch him out and managed to pet him. He'd purr and show me his belly. I convinced myself he was fine.

So I cleaned the pee from the carpets a dozen times a day. Ignored that the usual measures to correct it weren't working. Pretended not to notice his hips sticking out and hours anti social behavior becoming the norm.

Until I heard him crying. Saw the drooling and the blood in the stool. I took a good look in his eyes and saw how tired he was. Even then, it took me a weekend and a break down to bring it to Joe so we could make a decision.

And as is often the case, the right way was the hard way. We made the hardest decision for us and the best for him. To let him go.

Last night I slept on the couch to see if he'd come to snuggle me to sleep one last time. When Acorn woke to nurse the first time he hadn't. When I laid back down I cried and whispered that I hoped I was doing the right thing that he was ready. And bony paws crept over my legs, across my belly and settled a purring lump on my chest. And we slept, soundly,  knowing it was the last time.

And so today, we held our boy a few last times. We held him teary eyed as the wonderful vet who cared for him prayed over him and for us. We held him as he took his final breath, so quickly and quietly and sobbing told him we loved him. The injection had barely started and he was gone, he'd been hanging on for us. Our sweek half feral boy.

We brought him home to bury in our yard, tonight with friends who have cared for him and grown to love him as we have.

We'll celebrate our little boy who we've kept on borrowed time for 6 wonderful years after he was plucked half dead from the snow. I'll cry over his rabbit soft fur, his mustache and chest patch which made him so unique. Remember how he purred so hard that the couch would sometimes vibrate, how he'd curl up on my chest when I was sick and purr me to sleep as he did one last time last night or nuzzle in to Joe's beard.

We'll laugh remembering when he was neutered and the vet had to do more than a snip because his testicles were "ridiculously big", making Joe exclaim 'that's my boy! ' At how he would fetch Nerf darts like a dog and roll dice that fell on the floor. Dice cat rolls a critical hit! And marvel at his ability to hide in the smallest spaces.

We'll mourn. We'll cry and we'll miss him. Luna and Molly will grieve in their own ways. But I'll know we gave him the best life possible, loved and spoiled him and kept our promises to him.

Until the very end.

Good night, my sweet Chico. May there be many a cupboard to hide in and hunt mice from across the rainbow bridge. Maybe you'll finally catch that red dot.

 I love you.

Moonday Musings - An Ending

Of all the things that I don't have as much time for these days, writing is one of the ones that I miss most. To remedy this, I've started writing in a *gasp* paper journal again. When I get quiet moments, while Acorn happily plays with his toys, when he's laying beside me snoozing in the afternoon or in the dimly lit comfort of my bed at night when I decide it's more important to get some thoughts down on paper than it is to get those few extra minutes of sleep.

But oh, even with my pen and composition book to feed the journaling bug within me, I miss my blog. I find that when Isit at the keyboard to write, rather pick up the pen, my mind wanders less and I get my thoughts out faster, more succinctly than I can by hand. I'm going to try to get back to this space, to the keyboard (I won't write from a tablet or phone I HATE it).

And so, to keep the cobwebs out of my wee space and satisfy my blogging urge, I'll be here Mondays for Moonday Musings where I'll muse on something or another each week, Wednesday for Wordless Wednesday where I'll share a photo that stands out to me, a special moment captured that requires no words and Sundays for Gratitude Sundays. And of course, I'll pop in to write on any other day that the bug bites while I am in front of my computer. ;)


Last Thursday, Acorn turned 13 weeks old. On Friday, my newborn officially became an infant, having been Earthside for 3 months. It was also my final day in what is considered the "4th Trimester", meaning my body is more or less back to normal and healed and if I were in a culture that observed a lying in period for new mothers, it would be ending.

Neither of us is considered "new" anymore. And the ending of this stage of newness saddens me. Our transition from one person to two is complete as is my magical period of metamorphosis from Maiden to Mother.

I want so badly to bottle up these moments, all of our tiny milestones, all of the tears and laughter, complete with bleary eyed mornings, first time mom fumbles and the sweet smell of his tiny head and the touch of his downy hair... bottle them all up and preserve them forever. To open and wonder over, to tearfully, joyfully pull off the shelf and reminisce over when he's grown.

These were our firsts. Tiny drops in the ocean of life, but magnificent ripples for us. I will never again be a first time mom, he will never again be this small and new to the world.

These past 3 months have been like a hazy, beautiful dream and have gone by far, far faster than I ever imagined time could move. We've both changed so much in these few weeks; he is now grasping, grabbing, babbling, smiling, moves his arms and legs more gracefully and giggled his first real giggle last night. I've found my sea legs, if you will, and have become more confident, more patient.

My heart has grown larger, my emotions softer. My love has grown fierce and fiery; Mother Bear has awakened within me. My body is no longer the enemy of my mind; birth and breastfeeding have healed the rift between them and I'm learning to love my physical self - thick thighs, striped soft belly and all. I am awestruck and humbled by what this vessel is capable of.

Acorn is teaching me to slow down and to let go. He is teaching me hard lessons in remaining calm, in patience and in priorities. His life has made me take a hard honest look at my own and to hold to light that which is lacking and to hold dear that which is truly important, not what I've been programmed to view as such.

This Motherhood journey has called me to let go of resentment, pessimism, self abuse and anger (I was fueled by so much rage) and to instead allow myself to invite in grace and peace and to be led by Love.

And it is hard.

But,

This little soul, my shining star and mighty hunter, is transforming me in the very best of ways and guiding me on my transition from maiden to mother with the gentle wisdom of the very oldest souls. And while I mourn that our magical transition period is ending, I am excited for our today's and our future.