Perspective and Homesickness

After the wonderful weekend, we entered another tough week. Nothing like the previous ones, but certainly not fun. The culmination of it being Wednesday, when I was finally able to get Luna in to the vet for a limp she's had for nearly two weeks. We'd have taken her in sooner, but with the stomach bugs floating around, I'm sure the vet wouldn't have been thrilled to see us.

So, we had to wait it out. And it became more frequent Tuesday, when I was stuck at my own doctor's office for several hours doing a prenatal glucose test and again unable to take her in. Wednesday when we went in, I was expecting to hear she'd pulled a muscle or somehow fractured something though we haven't seen her injure herself. She never goes outside alone (we don't have a fence) and she hasn't taken a fall off the couch or bed while we've been home with her. Doesn't rule it out, but we didn't see it.

Within 2 minutes of touching her leg, the vet had me come over and place my finger where his was and feel a wiggly piece of something floating in her rear knee. Turns out, that wiggly piece of something is her knee cap which no longer stays in place on its own. They took x-rays to rule out any scar tissue, arthritis or anything else that may be wrong and it turns out she has a deformity of her leg bone which kept the groove that holds her knee cap in place from forming properly. Which means the knee doesn't sit in place properly and is left to pop out as it chooses. So, chances are excellent this has always been an issue for my extremely active and jumpy pup, but due to Jack Russell pain thresholds and stubbornness, she hasn't let on until now. And has only done so now because she can no longer get it to pop back in to place and stay there. She's clever and tough as nails, I'd have cried like I was dying the first time it popped out, not popped it back in lord knows how many times and kept jumping.

So, my poor 2 year old needs knee surgery to grind away the bone and deepen the groove. Our vet office doesn't perform this surgery, so our doctor is working to get us scheduled in to the hospital they refer to and gave me his best shot in the dark estimate for costs, but obviously can't quote accurately without talking to them first. He also prescribed no walks except to potty in the yard, no running and no jumping until they get us in for surgery. I may have to hog tie my poor pup to keep her still when the painkiller and anti-inflamtory she's on wears off:

And, as is always the case, this expense is dropping on us now that I don't have a job any more. Just like with Chico's giant vet bills last month and several other unforeseen expenses. Unfortunately for me, I've always made my own way financially and have always been driven to contribute to our expenses and savings. It's not that I give a rats ass about money or fine things, I just don't want to be a burden to someone else... even my husband. Even before I got pregnant, we'd talked about having a parent at home, something which is incredibly important to both of us. Given that, the fact that I've never been a career person and the fact that day care would suck up my entire paycheck, I decided that I'd leave work a little before baby was born to get things ready and get my own shit together before I took on the job of full time mom.

But the transition has been tough on me. I'm not even going to sugar coat this; I feel lazy, worthless and like a gigantic burden. This is only made worse when something like a surgery costing a couple thousand dollars drops on our laps. It has nothing to do with how Joe sees it, because he admonishes me for feeling this way - reassuring me that it's nice to have me home, not stressed about work and able to take care of myself in the last stretch of baby growing. And I believe him, but my own fucked up sense of self guilt and self worth gets in my way. And so yesterday, I spent a good deal of time crying and feeling like shit.

Until I got to thinking about where we used to be, back when we lived in New Jersey and realized what a sad sack I'm being. You see, if we hadn't taken a risk and made a drastic change when Joe's job moved here to South Carolina a little over 4 years ago we wouldn't be in the situation we're in right now. And I don't mean that in a bad way.

When his job left, we were living in a 500 foot apartment with rent that was $200 more than the mortgage on our 1700 foot house per month. We both were working full time just to scrape by. If we'd stayed there, he may have had to take a job that was closer to NY and make the horrific 2 hour congested commute each way every day in his Jeep. We'd see each other from 7:30pm - 11:30 pm each night, if he got home on time. And if one of us didn't end up with a 2nd job. Our relationship would have become somewhat passive and neither one of us would have time for fun or hobbies, we'd have been unhappy. But let's say we stuck it out, because that's what you do when you love someone. You take the shit with the good.

When his car broke down completely (the back axle was no longer attached when we determined it was dead), we'd have had to try to find another beater car because we couldn't have afforded a car payment. We would have limped my old vehicle with it's 10k worth of needed repairs along too. We wouldn't have been able to afford the safe and reliable car we now have. We wouldn't have been able to replace his broken Jeep with a scooter and a truck. We'd be bleeding out any extra money we managed to scrape together in to gas and car repairs. We'd probably have some towing bills from breaking down on the side of the road.

We'd still be in that shitty apartment with the police station near the foot of it that tripled in size due to all the crime that goes on in it.

We'd never have gotten Luna or any other dog, because pets weren't allowed. We had the cats because you can hide them and they're quiet. Luna would most likely have ended up in a shelter.

When Chico got sick last month, we couldn't have afforded the bill and we'd have made the difficult and painful decision to put him to sleep.

And there's no way in Hell I'd be pregnant. We'd probably never have had a baby, because stability was a tremendously important factor in that decision making process for us. Along with the kid having a bedroom. An expensive luxury where we lived.

Perspective. A huge shift in the way I felt.

People love to ask me if I'm homesick. Especially now that I'm pregnant. They also love to remind me that New Jersey is amazing, that there are so many things I love there, that it's better than where I am now - as if I've somehow forgotten all of that.

I haven't.

But honestly, I'm not homesick anymore. Not really. Because while New Jersey was and will always be my home state and I miss certain things, I'm not oblivious to how shitty our situation was there. I'm not blind to how fucking ridiculously expensive it is to live there. I'm no longer surprised by friends and family who are trapped in shit living situations, in shit houses, in shit jobs... because of how impossible it is to change up there any more. And these aren't people who live beyond their means, these are people in modest homes or apartments trying to eek out an existence on 70+ hour a week jobs and constantly feeling like they're beating their heads against a brick wall.

Almost everyone I know back home is miserable. They're depressed. They're unhappy. They feel trapped and stuck and like they're pissing their lives away on monotonous, unchangeable bullshit. And they can't get out; because as taxes keep soaring and the cost of living becomes even more insane their wages don't increase. And then they pick up second or third jobs and don't have time to even see the place they're pissing their money in to except to sleep.

So, no. I'm not homesick. Because that's not the same atmosphere I grew up in. The one I grew up in was filled with just as many hardworking people, just as many modest and sometimes a little beat to hell homes. But there were weekends on the beach. There were hikes in the mountains. There was time for laughter, relaxation, relationships. And those weren't luxuries just a few people could enjoy.

Don't get me wrong, I miss the kitsch. I miss the beach. I miss the unwavering Jersey Pride and fuck you attitudes. I miss longer Springs and Autumns. I miss being within an hour of the mountains, the coast, and the city. I miss not being asked why I don't sound like someone from that terrible "Jersey Shore" show (uhhh... because I'm from New Jersey, not New York). But I don't miss the life we'd most likely have lived had we stayed.

And I sure as hell wouldn't give up the one I have now.

Of Trips and Funks; A Wee Ramble

We took an incredibly quick trip up North to visit our families in New Jersey this past weekend and attend a baby shower that my mom put together for us. And by quick, I mean brutally quick. As in 2 days quick. The car ride up was as expected, long and uncomfortable, as I had to stop, stretch and use the facilities every 1-2 hours and it poured for the last 4 hours of the drive, which made it slow going.

But, we made it safe and sound and stayed at a friend's house and were even able to meet up with friends we haven't seen in 2 years to catch up over late night diner munchies. We spent time with all of our parents, some of our extended family and were even able to visit our favorite woodland spots... mine on a mountain top and his in a swampy creek. We had a good, if hurried, time before heading back South on Monday.

We could have taken a longer trip, especially since I'm now a homemaker and Joe has vacation time, but we're squirreling that paid time off away for when the Acorn makes its arrival. His company gives him one week of paid paternity leave, but he wants to stay home with us for as long as he can afford to so he can give me time to recuperate, so we can figure out this new parenting thing together and so he can spend as much time with his baby as he can in the beginning. I'm over the moon knowing that he'll be here with me for those first few weeks and I've put a "no visitors allowed" rule in effect for that time period. Some people will think this is mean or tacky, but this is the first and longest time we'll have together as a family without work interfering. Everybody else can give us those precious few weeks (a grand total of 21 days) to enjoy and respect our wishes, or they can get bent out of shape over it. Their reaction isn't my concern, my newly made family is.

All that aside, despite how very much I love my family and friends up North and how very homesick I am for New Jersey sometimes, I couldn't wait to get back to my house, curl up in my own bed, pull the covers up over my head and go back to vegging. That's not a normal feeling for me, usually I love trips and vacations and want to prolong our stay by another day or two. Especially when we're back North, because there are so many places I want to visit again that we never seem to find the time to get to. But not this time.

I've also fallen out of my crafty, outdoorsy and spiritual practices. Blood Moon? What blood moon? I didn't even make it outside to look at her. I've been unemployed for almost three weeks now and I've not gotten even half of what I'd hoped to have accomplished by now finished. To be fair to myself, I was stressed out with vet visits and animal illnesses and took a small trip, but even so, the motivation is hard to dredge up most days. It's not a depression, but it is a funk. I feel worn out, pooped and sloth-like most days with the occasional day of ludicrous motivation in which I dramatically overdo it thrown in just to keep me on my toes. It's a bizarre feeling for me, one which I can only really blame on pregnancy hormones as I sometimes feel this way during my Moon Times.

While I'd very much like to snap out of it, I'm having a hard time finding the fucks to put towards doing so, until the end of the day when I become frustrated by all of my inactivity and sluggishness. My family and friends tell me it's ok, because I'm pregnant and my body is undergoing drastic changes and the baby is sucking up some of my resources and while I want to believe them, as my own worst critic, I have a nearly impossible time not being hard on myself for being lazy. I've always been a doer, a mover, a fairly motivated person and this drastic change is beyond frustrating to me.

Hopefully I'll get some of my pre-prego energy back soon.

Christmas Wrap-Up

We had a great time on our trip to NJ to visit with our families for Christmas. We haven't gone up in a few years, because it's a long trip to make for a short stay, so when we do make it up, it's always a lot of fun. We went from house to house, visiting our relatives and saw our closest friends as well. But the real highlight, was getting to spend Christmas morning with my 2 year old niece, Khloe. While Christmas morning is always a lot of fun, it's way better with a little kid around; nothing matches the look on their face when they see that Santa arrived. And Santa brought quite the haul to my mom's house, for the 7 of us who were there Christmas morning!

We headed out the day after Christmas to come back and enjoy our last three days off quietly at home. Because while it's always nice to visit and see people, it's even better to come back home. ;) We hit a snag though, about 45 minutes into our trip when a bit of snow caused a massive pileup, entirely shutting down a huge part of the highway. We were more or less parked for 6 hours. We would creep forward every so often, but it took us 6 hours to go a total of 4 miles. So creep may even be a bit generous of a word. Eventually though, we made it through and Joe (because he is stubborn and doesn't like stopping if he isn't tired) got us home around midnight; after a whopping 16.5 hours in the car.

When I got up Friday, we had our gift exchange and late Yulemas together. Joe surprised me with scratch made pancakes for breakfast and a warm fire in the hearth. And we exchanged gifts, which I didn't take many pictures of this year, but we both were super thrilled with the reactions from each other as well as what we received. My highlights this year are a broom he made for me with a large handle from one of our fallen pine branches and bristles made from fallen twigs from various trees in our yard (I don't have a photo yet because, I've been slacking) and the original soundtrack to the movie Legend performed by Tangerine Dream on vinyl. It's been like my unicorn for years; I've only ever found 1 copy of it on CD when I was 14 and haven't seen it since. I've always regretted not picking it up but Joe, through diligent internet searching, found me a vinyl copy in great condition! And since our turntable has a usb output, we're going to put it on my ipod for in car listening. ;)

Tonight we'll farewell the old year and welcome in the new with friends and I'll post my welcomes and farewells here as well. I hope everyone had a fabulous holiday and stays happy and safe tonight!

A Weekend Visit

We went home to New Jersey for a quick weekend visit with our families; getting there in the very early hours of Saturday morning and leaving to come back to SC yesterday morning. It was a good trip, if as ever, too short.

We spent time in the Pennsylvania woods with some of our closest friends, who we haven't seen in far too long. There was fire, delicious home brewed beer and the sounds of dueling banjos played late in to the night.

There was a visit to one of my favorite cemeteries; built on the side of a steep hill, mossy and shaded by large old trees. Old hand carved tombstones mingle with new laser etched ones. It's a peaceful place for an early morning hike in the cold mountain air.

We hit up garage sales with my mom and niece and got SO many treasures for a measly $20! 2 warm flannel shirts, 4 ties and a folding wooden ruler for Joe. A Polaroid camera, 14 Halloween witches and scarecrow figures, 2 sets of earrings, two hand carved wooden trivets for me and 3 things for Luna.

There was chatter and laughter with Joe's family, sitting in their living room on a Sunday afternoon. Reminiscing about older times, talking of fresh local honey and digging through my ancestry with the help of my father-in-law, the Geneology buff. Joe helped his little sister release a newt back in to the creek behind the house, before playing with the new "toys" (power tools) his dad purchased to help make heating the house by the wood stove easier this winter, while his mom and I talked about our homesteading dreams.

We ate at our favorite little place, an El Salvadorian restaurant and had dinner with Joe's brothers, where we had the worst waitress I have ever had in my life. But, the company made up for the annoyance of poor service.

I colored with Khloe and taught her new, inventive ways to annoy my kid sister, her mother.

I was able to visit with my favorite aunt and my last remaining grandmother. We caught up over donuts and ice cream from the ice cream man. Poor guy, having to deal with two grown ass women waiting for order 10 fudgsicles from him.

And before we went to bed on our last night, we sent firey wishes in to the sky.

Today, my first one back in SC, will be spent unpacking, doing laundry and processing the 30+ pounds of tomatoes my mom and step-dad gifted to us from their gardens. They grow some of the tastiest tomatoes I've ever eaten and sent us back with bags full of the suckers as well as some quarts of homemade sauce. I plan to stew and can these babies to turn in to sauce and use in chili over the Winter.

Gratitude*Monday

I'm joining Taryn at Wooly Moss Roots and several other lovely bloggers in honoring the things for which we've been grateful for throughout the week. A quiet, weekly practice of appreciation and positivity. A time to breath and reflect.

If you would like to join us, just click the image at the bottom of this post.

This Week I am Grateful For:

* Homemade apple butter and pickled vegetables made from the garden bounty.
* Chilly nights and campfires.
* Time with my oldest and bestest friends.
* Spending time with our families.
* A quick and safe drive up to NJ.
* Coloring with my niece.
* Garage Sales with my mom.
* Cigars, Banjos and homebrewed beer.
* Walking through old cemeteries in the cold, early morning light.
* Disco fries (for non-Jersey folks, french fries with mozzarella cheese and gravy.

To join in Gratitude Sunday, click on the image below! Happy Week, lovelies.

Homecoming at the Sea

There are very few places in New Jersey that I truly consider to be "home", these days. Sure, there is the house I grew up in where my father lives with my step-mother but that hasn't been my "home" for nearly a decade as I and the dynamic of the household have changed. While I love my father and cherish the good memories I have there as well as the wild life preserve surrounding the house, it's not where I go when I think of "Homecoming." Then there is my mother's house, where she lives with my sister, my niece and my step-father. This is closer to feeling like 'home' for our visits as we often spend the nights here but it's really more of a 'base of operations' if you will.

"Home" is a tricky concept for someone like myself, who's had houses hold darkness and skeletons best tucked neatly in to the closet, lest anyone see them. I consider the entirety of New Jersey to be my home as well as the house where Joe and I are carving out our life together here in South Carolina; though it took me a little while to warm to the idea that home could be somewhere other than where I grew up.

And so it is, that when I'm in New Jersey and I say, 'I'm going home' I mean to say that I'm going to the ocean. And not just any point on the ocean, but to my beloved Asbury Park, the love for and comfort in which I find, I've written about here, here, and here.

I'll admit, I was so very, very nervous about visiting since Hurricane Sandy knocked the shit out of my beloved state back in the Autumn. The photos I saw of the devastation along the coast line broke my heart and I'm sure that if I had gone elsewhere I may have witnessed more of the damage first hand. Hell, a friend told me if I had driven just a few minutes up the road to Long Branch I'd have been blown away by the changes there. But I didn't, I went where my heart led me and as I walked up to the Boardwalk, breath held, I was beyond pleasantly surprised.

It's still shabby and beautiful. The sand is mostly where it belongs. I won't lie and pretend there weren't happy tears shed as my toes hit the sand, both from the relief of a place that holds so much magic to me being OK and from simply being there. Snuffling aside, we staked our umbrella in the hot sand, slathered ourselves with lotion and waited the bare minimum time suggested before plunging ourselves in to the frigid waters of the Atlantic.

Glorious cold ocean, how I've missed you! There's something awkward and sort of gross about getting in to water that's bathtub temperature on a hot summer day. Not only is it not refreshing, but I'm always highly suspicious that someone has peed nearby. When someone pees near you in Northern waters, you know it. ;-) Some people are baffled by my love of an icy ocean on a hot day, but once you're in you adjust quickly and it feels amazing. Warm sun on exposed skin, cool water keeping you from feeling like you're frying.

That part can also be a bad thing sometimes, as you don't know you've been sunburnt until it's too late!

Click to go to my Flickr page and see this one larger!

We walked the sandy shores under the watchful gaze of old, old buildings; collecting shells and stones. I found my first ever hagstone, a small thing to some, but a wonderful find to me! Storm clouds rolled in as we sat and watched the gulls so we retreated to shelter for a cold pint and some food, followed by a visit to Silverball for some pinball wizardry.

We tilted and flipped until we figured we should probably be going soon. Neither of us really wanted to, but with plans to head back to the South in the morning and my family Luna-sitting for us, we knew we should. The storm had subsided and we stepped on to the boardwalk and saw this:

Yet another smile, this time a huge one. The first full rainbow I've ever seen, as well as the first rainbow I've ever seen at the shore. It was beautiful and we stood and gazed at it for a long while; soaking in the colors, sights and sounds of the moment.

Here are a few more photos of the best (in my opinion anyway) day of our trip:

Magic in the Mountains; Home

Over Solstice weekend, Joe and I ventured to New Jersey for a long weekend visit with our friends and family. Usually when we go home, it's an incredibly stressful whirlwind trip where we have a schedule that we need to stick to in order to fit everyone that wants to visit with us in.

And of course, for whatever reason they come up with, no one ever wants to come to us or get together with other people as well and it's ridiculously frustrating and the main reason that despite having two weeks off between jobs I did not go home during that time. Thinking about it raised my blood pressure a few points and gave me anxiety. That's not healthy or OK. As is probably evident in that massive run on sentence! Phew.

This time though, things were different. I made it very clear that I was not going to be guilted in to spending 5 days driving all over the tri-state area after making the monster drive North of the Mason Dixon line. If people wanted to come to me, they could, but that people we have not seen since we moved 3 years ago, as well as time with our families and a solid day or two to just chill out (like an actual vacation!) took priority. Some people were offended; there were some text messages meant to make me feel badly about my decision, a few people even called me selfish for wanting a day to lay on the beach and I responded with the road runs South as well before presenting them with their very own Jersey State Bird.

You can take the girl out of Jersey, but you can't take the Jersey out of the girl.

And despite some consternation and passive aggressive bullshit, I'm pleased to say this was hands down, the best trip we've ever made home. The lesson learned here? Boundaries! Set them. Stick to them. Don't take guilt. I'm going to get that tattooed on my forearm so I remember to do the same in my day to day life, but that's another story.

We left for the North on the Wednesday afternoon before the Solstice, driving North on a long, boring stretch of highway. Things were uneventful; Joe and Luna were curled up together snoozing in the passenger seat as I drove through Virginia, Killjoys playing on the stereo. I was lost in thought, which here really means worry, about a plethora of things: the trip itself, seeing friends I've not spoken to in years, how Luna would do with all the fuss and strangers, truckers driving too close to me, shitty friends in the South, myself. I was in deep, and I remember fingering the Mercury dime I carry with me while I travel thinking, "Hermes, I just need to know it'll all be OK. I know that's a cheesy request, one I haven't made of you since I was a girl, but I feel so wound up and fretful I can barely stand it anymore."

And then the heavens opened up and it poured so hard that I could barely see 15 feet in front of me as my tiny car slowly climbed the mountains. I was all dour and grumpy, turned the radio up some more, griped at Luna for whining and drove onward. And just as quickly as it started, the rain stopped and there was this:

The first rainbow I've seen in over a year, breaking through the dark clouds right in front of me. Some people aren't quick to see or believe in signs, but I'm not those people. For me, that rainbow, and the three others I saw after each burst of heavy rain, were the warm 'hug' that I needed from the Divine. A pat on the shoulder and a nice cup of tea that told me not to worry, because it will all be ok. There was so much Magic in the Virginia mountains on this trip for me and I never had to leave my car to experience it. I merely basked in the glow of the sunlight as it slanted in that odd way that is has right before a large storm and drove onward, singing. Head cleared.

A few hours, more rain showers and some dark roads later we landed at my mother's house to sleep. In the morning we were awoken by my niece, Khloe (who is now 2 years and a few months old - where did all that time go?!?) saying 'Hello' and playing with Luna. It never ceases to amaze me how gentle Luna is with kids, despite her extremely energetic personality.

Best Friends!

We spent the day with my sister and niece before going to visit Joe's parents and sisters at his childhood home. Driving the short 20 minutes between the houses made us both so homesick for the landscape as we passed several lakes bordering winding hilly roads that are shaded by large oaks and maple trees. There's something so magical and comforting about the thickness of the tree canopy there that's missing here in South Carolina.

That, and driving anywhere makes me want to claw my eyes out as all the roads are flat and straight and bordered with red clay and scrubby pines. But, I digress. The fact that New Jersey is so beautiful (a well kept secret from those who don't live there, honestly) makes every place else seem sort of 'blah' to me.

Lake by Joe's parents' house.

While we visited with them, his dad and I went over some of my Geneology because he loves to do that sort of thing and I've always been completely clueless about my heritage on my mother's side of the family. Dad's half Irish and half Ukrainian (explains a bit about me, doesn't it?) but whenever I've asked my mother or my grandmother about their ancestry I've always been met with 'who cares' or 'I don't know'. Well, we were able to dig as far back as the mid 1700's fairly easily before the trail went cold and there's something very, very interesting to note:

Between the mid 1700's to present, my family has lived in Northern New Jersey. From what we could find I am one of, if not the first, in my mother's direct family line to leave the state in over 300 years. I jokingly told Joe that from now on when I discuss heritage I'm going to say 1/4 Irish, 1/4 Ukrainian and 1/2 Jersey. I also, not as jokingly - honest-, told him that should we ever have kids I'm going to have to travel back to the 'Homeland' to give birth because I'm somehow sure if I do it elsewhere I'm going to bring some sort of curse (like chicken feet) on to my bloodline. It was interesting to rifle through all the old documents and get as far as we did and made this girl even more fiercely proud to be from New Jersey. (He did, in the last few weeks track back further and found that at least part of my mother's family hails from Germany with a couple of years spent in Canada sprinkled in between Europe and The U.S. for extra interest.)

For Solstice, I spent the evening with a friend while Joe went to meet his brothers for dinner. She and I went to one of my most dearly held spots in North Jersey Sunrise Mountain, to watch the sun set on the Longest Day. The energy on the mountain top was incredible, it moved my heart in a much needed way and allowed me to know that despite my lack of ritual, workings or other trappings that I'm in the right place on my path right now. I smiled at mighty Sun as the wind whipped my hair then turned to watch his sister, Moon rise up behind us swollen nearly to full. It was hazy, but still a breathtaking view as the two did their eternal dance.

We walked back down the craggy path to our car in the twilight, careful not to fall or lose our footings. A simple, yet deeply meaningful way to acknowledge the Solstice. Yet more magic in the mountains for this Witch, but this time, in the Mountains of my heart.

Honoring Something Different This Samhain

It was with a heavy heart that I sat before my altar last night, with images of my beloved New Jersey torn asunder sitting firmly in my mind. While my loved ones are all safe and accounted for (thank the gods), places where so many memories were made were washed out to sea, never to be the same. The places where I spent summers in shore towns, my only family vacation to my beloved beautiful asbury park, the weekends spent in shitty motels right out of high school, birthday weekends, my first fledgling attempts at photography, that damned belly button piercing, trips to Atlanic City with my mom when I was younger, the place I threw a bottle into the ocean with a note to the man I love, with a note of sentiment for the sea to carry to him while he was in another country sorting himself out. Heartbroken, I remembered the places that had cleansed my soul, healed my heart and brought calm and joy to my life numerous times. I felt torn, useless for not being there and not being able to do anything from so far away but donate blood and money.

I very nearly walked away from my altar, candles unlit and nothing said. But I didn't, I couldn't. I turned and lit my candles despite the heaviness in my heart, welcomed the elements and praised Hecate and Hermes. As I did, I felt more energized than I had in days - prickles of pins and needles traveled from the top of my head to the soles of my feet. I lit another candle for my homeland, for the memories that are now gone, for the people who lost so much and I let some of it go; left some of it at the end of the Wheel's last cycle and took a step, a little lighter in to the new one. What I have to offer, right now, all that I can do to help - is enough.

Being one who celebrates the people who have passed on in my life on Dia de Los Muertos, I chose to honor the history, dreams, memories and lives lost to that hateful storm. I thanked the far off crippled shoreline for all it had done for me with the last remnants of the water I gathered there under the full moon on my third anniversary. My usual Samhain workings came after. Though tired, I lit a black candle and burned away the things I wish to leave behind in the old year and a white candle to attract the things I wish to call to me in the new one. Finally, I sat with my faerie oracle deck for a while, pulling three cards. I didn't pull a full wheel of the year reading as I normally do; I was too drained to focus well.

Seems I need to be wary of what I hear this coming year; of gossip and messages mangled and mixed. Or is this wee Fae simply bearing my messenger god's greetings to me? Either way, the beginning of this new turn will be heralding in a shift in several of my perspectives, a lot of introspection and deep work and hopefully - an arrival to a place of true renewal and healing.

Blessed Samhain, lovelies.

Candles for Sandy

All day I have been looking at images coming out of New Jersey as Sandy drew closer to the shore and all day I have been sick to my stomach with worry. Having grown up there, most of my friends and my entire family - save my brother - live there. A good portion of my friends and loved ones live in the surrounding areas of Maryland, Pennsylvania and New York as well. I've seen images of my summer vacation spots torn asunder by waves, places and spaces I've visited and loved ravaged by water and I've been feeling helpless, because I'm down here and not with everyone. If I said I haven't cried, I'd be lying.

She's made landfall in South Jersey and I am keeping the entire area in my thoughts and prayers. The night will be long, dark and cold for many but I hold a light, warmth and love for you. I will be rotating candles off my altar all night as they burn down in vigil. Please protect yourselves - hunker down and don't venture out. You are all in my thoughts and prayers, may the Gods hold you close and keep you safe.

Please keep everyone in the storm's path in your thoughts and your prayers.

Roadtrip and Birthday Cake

We took a whirlwind trip home to New Jersey over the weekend, driving up Friday for a quick two days of family, friends and fall fun. While we were driving up, I was snapping photos out the windows of the beautiful scenery - the drive is long, but it's also gorgeous. Especially this time of year.

These were all taken with my cell phone. In our rush to get out the door at 5:00 am I forgot my DSLR. I am most definitely not a morning person.

Sunrise in North Carolina.


These thick patches of fog were all over North Carolina, they looked like extremely low floating fluffy clouds.


This little farm is right off the interstate in southern Virginia.


This pretty house is nestled amongst the hills in the Shenandoah Valley in Virginia. Again, right off the interstate.


Pennsylvania Dutch Country.


Yet another farm, in Pennsylvania.


New Jersey: Luna meeting her cousin, Khloe, for the first time. These two have been inseparable!

Why the whirlwind trip? My best friend Laura, who I've known since we were 4 years old, is turning 30 and has never, ever had a birthday party. Crazy right? Her mom's a Jehovah's Witness, so growing up she never had one and as an adult she's always just gone out to dinner to celebrate. So her cousin, myself and our friend Heather decided to throw her a surprise party filled with balloons, party hats, favors and cake. The sort you'd have when you turned 10, but with beer.

To add the final cherry on top, Joe, Luna and myself made the 800 mile trip to surprise the hell out of her. We nailed it! She was surprised enough to see a bunch of people at her house but when she saw us, she very nearly cried. :-)

Surprising the birthday girl!


Luna, Laura and I.


What sort of childhood party doesn't include creepy clowns? I happen to live with the one on the right. ;)


Opening her gifts in front of everyone and laughing at something hilarious!


Blowing out the candles.

After Laura blew out her candles, I was surprised myself when her cousin brought out an anniversary cake for Joe and I complete with candles! She was so excited that we made the trip up on our anniversary weekend that she decided we needed to be celebrated too! I have no photos of that, because I was too busy laughing as everyone started singing 'Happy Anniversary to you'.

Some people are annoyed that we were up and didn't have the opportunity to visit them, I've received a few angry messages already. But I'm letting it roll off my back because as I wrote in my last post, I'm not paying excess attention to those who bring me down anymore. So to those people I say, I was home far too briefly to see everyone and the road travels South as well as North.

Aside from those party poopers, this trip is exactly what my heart needed. While I'm already homesick, I feel renewed.

A Eulogy for Old Amber

Where once you stood lies naught but sticks and stones,
yet some recall that you were once a magnificent home,
nestled in the quiet woods of Northern New Jersey.

In Autumn some four year ago, I made your acquaintance.
Timidly stepping through your broken door,
I set foot on creaky floors and beheld your magnificent ruin.

The second of your kind that I visited with serious intention,
camera in hand and prepared for anything I came to you,
and you taught me things that cold day.

You told me that Nature is an unyielding mistress,
she will take back that which man tore from her.
You showed me how fickle both shadows and man can be,
that beauty can be found even amongst decay and rubble.

To you Old Amber, Old Friend I raise a glass!
In thanks for the lessons of lens and curiosity you taught,
and to fare thee well as we may never meet again.

Taken to the dirt, soon to be lost to time.
Thank you for the lessons and experiences,
I will miss you, dear friend.


******
Old Amber was one of the first abandoned places I photographed while living in New Jersey, a love I have been unable to pursue here in South Carolina due to a lack of places to visit (that aren't old trailers or highly policed.) It was a once beautiful mansion nestled in the woods of Walpack and it taught me a lot about composition and lighting as I tried to figure out digital vs film photography. A friend informed me today that it was recently torn down and my hear aches a bit, though I knew it was inevitable given its increasingly dangerous state of decay. Maybe one day, when I go home again, I'll visit the site one last time.