Wordless Wednesday: How We Say Goodbye

Monday Musings: Farewell, Sweet Boy

Chico 12/24/08 - 11/3/14

When we bring an animal in to our home and invite them in to our hearts, the promise we make to love and care for them includes the entirety of their life.

Which includes the end of it. And sometimes, when to end it.

The decision to send our beautiful Chico across the rainbow bridge is long delayed. My human heart wasn't ready to listen to the cues he's been dropping for over a year.

Which is how long it's been since he came to Joe for his morning cuddles.

Months since he's come to sit behind me on the couch to bat me in the head and demand a belly rub.

Weeks since he's eaten properly, used his litter box to pee or come out of hiding to do more than eat a little and smack Luna in the head.

But oh, the times I did catch him out and managed to pet him. He'd purr and show me his belly. I convinced myself he was fine.

So I cleaned the pee from the carpets a dozen times a day. Ignored that the usual measures to correct it weren't working. Pretended not to notice his hips sticking out and hours anti social behavior becoming the norm.

Until I heard him crying. Saw the drooling and the blood in the stool. I took a good look in his eyes and saw how tired he was. Even then, it took me a weekend and a break down to bring it to Joe so we could make a decision.

And as is often the case, the right way was the hard way. We made the hardest decision for us and the best for him. To let him go.

Last night I slept on the couch to see if he'd come to snuggle me to sleep one last time. When Acorn woke to nurse the first time he hadn't. When I laid back down I cried and whispered that I hoped I was doing the right thing that he was ready. And bony paws crept over my legs, across my belly and settled a purring lump on my chest. And we slept, soundly,  knowing it was the last time.

And so today, we held our boy a few last times. We held him teary eyed as the wonderful vet who cared for him prayed over him and for us. We held him as he took his final breath, so quickly and quietly and sobbing told him we loved him. The injection had barely started and he was gone, he'd been hanging on for us. Our sweek half feral boy.

We brought him home to bury in our yard, tonight with friends who have cared for him and grown to love him as we have.

We'll celebrate our little boy who we've kept on borrowed time for 6 wonderful years after he was plucked half dead from the snow. I'll cry over his rabbit soft fur, his mustache and chest patch which made him so unique. Remember how he purred so hard that the couch would sometimes vibrate, how he'd curl up on my chest when I was sick and purr me to sleep as he did one last time last night or nuzzle in to Joe's beard.

We'll laugh remembering when he was neutered and the vet had to do more than a snip because his testicles were "ridiculously big", making Joe exclaim 'that's my boy! ' At how he would fetch Nerf darts like a dog and roll dice that fell on the floor. Dice cat rolls a critical hit! And marvel at his ability to hide in the smallest spaces.

We'll mourn. We'll cry and we'll miss him. Luna and Molly will grieve in their own ways. But I'll know we gave him the best life possible, loved and spoiled him and kept our promises to him.

Until the very end.

Good night, my sweet Chico. May there be many a cupboard to hide in and hunt mice from across the rainbow bridge. Maybe you'll finally catch that red dot.

 I love you.

The Fawn and The Goat - Part Two

You may recall that a few years ago,
A cheeky Goat met and wooed a certain Doe.


Maybe you've wondered what happened to the pair?
Perhaps curious if that love of theirs is still in the air?


Three years have passed since that Midsummer eve,
when the Goat kissed the Fawn 'neath the red bud tree.


The pair sit sipping a romantic tea,
a few shorts weeks before the two become three!


Yes, friends, it's true, a babe is on the way!
"But what will it be?" several of you say!


Will it have horns tall and thin,
or will it have curved ones to match its grin?


Will it be silly?
Will it be cheeky?
Will it be daring?
Will it be hairy?


We won't know 'til the babe is here,
who knows what you get when you mix
a goat and a deer!





Happy Mad, Mad Tea party! Thank you all so much for visiting. To visit other parties, please click the image in my sidebar to be whisked away to Miss. Vanessa's A Fanciful Twist blog, where the list resides. :)

Escaping to the Mountains

Recently, we packed up ourselves and Luna and trekked in to Tennessee for a long weekend in the mountains. I got a great deal on a cabin that we could never have afforded at its regular price which boasted seclusion, woodland views and relaxation.

They weren't kidding! After we drove the 3 hours to the bed and breakfast to check in, we drove another 45 minutes up a steep, narrow mountain road which my tiny car was not a huge fan of and found the gravel road that led to the cabins. The outside looked like it could use a little work, but once we went inside it was beautiful! All wood and rustic and clean.

And as an added bonus, there was this sexy soaking tub.

Our first evening there, poor Joe was sick. Fever, sweats, chills, horrible cough. I kept feeding him tea and water while he and Luna snoozed away in the bed. We opted for a cabin without cable, so I found a station on the radio that I liked and took the opportunity to play some Solitaire, listen to my hypnobirthing tracks for the day and do some sketches.

The following day, he still wasn't feeling too hot, so we spent the majority of the day chilling out on the deck in a pair of rocking chairs. On the side of the cabin there was a dead cedar tree, and since my husband is the perpetual boy scout (really, he is.) he took his hand saw out and cut off some of the lower limbs and branches to whittle away at and bring home for bigger projects. Sometime in the late afternoon, I gave the sexy tub and its jets a thorough cleaning and after dinner we had ourselves a nice long (ridiculously long) soak. During which, peering Luna eyes were consistently seen over the edge.

This is why we can't have nice pictures. One of us is always a goof.

The next two days followed a similar pattern. We attempted to find the hiking path to the river and swimming hole that we were told about at check-in, but the only path we found was loaded with poison ivy which we're both highly allergic to. Also, as we were being swarmed by angry mosquitoes and it was a bit hot for this baby bump and I, we eventually gave up and went back to the cabin. We had better luck the next day when we hiked up to a little woodland cemetery. It's extremely well maintained for being as far up a mountain and tucked away as it is and there were a few neat grave stones, including this one that belongs to a confederate soldier.

This was what I suppose people would call our "babymoon" or last romantic getaway before baby comes. It was a well needed break from life, technology and everything else and it was wonderful to be able to truly relax. We didn't leave the mountain, didn't travel in to town. Just wiled away the hours sitting side by side working on small projects, soaking in the tub and just being together.

This was the view as we were taking a "parkway" through the mountains back home. Our little cabin is on one of those mountains, somewhere.

Brain Rest; Time for a Change

While in Jamaica, I honestly forgot for a few days that I had a life outside of the resort. Which sounds weird and maybe mean, but is nonetheless true. Friends, family, the dog, the house, bills and the troubles of the world at large didn't enter my mind once and when I realized this at the end of our vacation I immediately felt guilty. How could I be such a selfish person?

But the truth of the matter is, I wasn't being selfish. I was doing something I have an incredibly difficult, damn near impossible, time doing - I was living and thinking in the moment. Not worrying about the future, not looking at the past. And it was so very, very refreshing.

That's not to say that's how the whole week went, because it isn't. There was a lot of purging on my part: a lot of things were cried out, kicked out, and left to die in the hot sunlight of those sandy shores. A lot of weight and stress and bullshit that I have no business carrying around got dumped, while my spirit guides cheered me on from the sidelines.

I cannot remember the last time I smiled and laughed so much or so easily. I didn't even realize how heavy I was, until I wasn't. Does that make sense?

When I got on the plane to head out Friday, I was feeling normal. Sort of excited, but mostly tired and burned out. And nervous and stressed out. I've only flown three times and I've never left the country before, so there was some apprehension about the whole process for me. And I'm not going to lie, I got really pissed off and really upset over some really stupid things during that trip. Due to my medical conditions, I have to travel with prescriptions. So, when I had to check the box that said I was bringing pharmaceuticals in to the country and would have to wait in the red line (which takes longer) I was frustrated and angry with myself for needing to bring the stupid medications with me. Silly? Definitely. But I couldn't stop the ensuing panic attack and anger at my silly, traitorous body at the time.

We made it through the line quickly, the guy at customs actually laughed that I had checked the box for my two bottles of pills and explained they're looking for large quantities. He waved us through without any hassle. Which, for reasons unexplainable, made me even more pissed off at myself. Once we got through the airport and on the bus that would take us to the resort, I was distracted by the scenery and forgot all about being angry or stressed out. I'm a raccoon like that; show me a shiny thing and everything else ceases to exist. I wish I could say that was the end of the stress and random meltdowns, but it wasn't. There were a few other ones that first weekend; I was angry with myself for being exhausted and going to bed early. I was angry that I got sick and spent half a day in bed. I was freaked out and upset that people would come up to us when we were out on the water and try to sell us stuff. (I will readily admit, I have personal space issues and am very naive and untraveled so am not used to what's normal in other cultures. Those two things had me in a damn near anxiety attack when a guy selling shells stopped our boat to talk to us and had me almost jumping in the ocean to swim away when he tried to touch me.) I lost my shit when Joe bought something from that aforementioned shell salesmen and then felt horrifically ashamed afterwards and went to bed after berating myself. I fell in to the trap of comparing myself to other women (girls, really) and felt bloated and gross. I cried a lot those first three days, I'm not going to lie. I was frustrated because this isn't how vacation is supposed to be.

Then, when I woke up Tuesday, I felt totally different. The best way I can describe it, is it was very similar to how one feels on the first day they have energy again after a long bought of the flu. That renewed, healed feeling. And nothing mattered anymore. Not those skinny, young girls. Not the locals touching me or trying to put their crafts in my hands so I'd buy them. Not my medical conditions. All the stuff I had been gung-ho about doing while we were on the resort didn't matter. If we went snorkeling? Great. If we sat in the pool all day? Great. If we laid on a beach chair all day? Awesome. We ended up not paying to take the dive class, opting to instead just go on the free snorkeling excursions. I did things that I was afraid to do, snorkeling being amongst them. I'm not a very strong swimmer and I'm extremely buoyant, this has led to me almost being swept out to sea numerous times when I play in the ocean here in the states and because of this, I don't go in past my waist most of the time.

But, here I was, swimming around reefs with the tropical fishes. We also took out the kayaks and went on a tube ride. I made it a point to talk to people I don't know, something I have a hard time doing, and was surprised with how easy it was - both with the locals and other vacationers. I made the conscientious decision to enter Joe and I into a best dressed couple competition where our clothing had nothing to do with it in the end... because we had to get on stage and out dance the other couples. We had our own personal cheering section, including employees who were supposed to remain impartial, because we'd made quite a few vacation friends. And? We totally won!

It was our last day when I realized what a dramatic difference there was in my personality and my mentality. I spoke frankly and honestly about the poor things that happened, without shame for once, to serve as a reminder of what too much stress and too much obligation does to me. That's not who I am, it's a byproduct of taking on too much, spreading myself too thin and not taking time for self care. It's not who I want to be either, and I refuse to go back to that. Refuse.

And so, I've been using the time since we got on the plane to come home, when I was feeling glowing and renewed and as if I was given a fresh slate in the brain, heart and emotions department, to pinpoint the things that cause me stress and either change my perspective or throw them unceremoniously out of my life as soon as possible. I'm going to greedily cling to this easy happiness and this relaxed stress free attitude for as long as possible. This will be made easier because the hubster is on board too, with supporting my changes and not letting the stupid day to day shit get to him anymore either.

The first flag came when we touched down in Atlanta and it was the first time in a week we had cell phone reception. I turned mine on not because I really wanted to, but because I felt like I should and it gave me a pang of anxiety and annoyance as I waited for all of the messages, voicemails, Facebook, Email and App notifications to come through. Now, I'm not a technology hater, not really anyway, but the constant buzz of it in my life and the constant weight of social expectations when it comes to technology... I DO hate that. And so, I had the first thing that adds to my stress levels; my connection to all things tech and to social media.

So, here are the changes I'll be implementing. In list form, because I'm all about concise things right now. Also, how perfect is the timing with Samhain coming up? Deity, Spirit, The Universe give us nudges at the right times... new start for a new cycle of the year.

* Disentangling myself from the social media machine.
- Deleting my personal Facebook page. My blog and etsy pages will remain active for now.
- I enjoy Twitter, so I'm keeping that one. Knocking my follow list down to 50 or less people and checking in only when I feel like it.
- Cleaning up my blog reader lists. There are a lot of blogs that I never visit or that are outdated. I want my time online to be short and meaningful.

* Disengaging from political and religious debates. Most people seem incapable of having these intelligently and without becoming heated or mean. I have my convictions, you have yours, I'm not here to convince you of anything and if you feel the need to try to change my mind or attack me for having differing opinions, well, you can fuck off. :)

* Disengaging from toxic thoughts and relationships. All those things I wrote about before? Toxic. I'm going to work to knock that shit off and quit beating myself up. And everyone has had that friend or family member that makes them miserable, yet they keep them around out of obligation. That's not a good basis for a relationship!

* Letting things go. Changing what I can and accepting what I can't. Not letting other people's problems become mine any more. I can love and care about people without fighting their battles for them or taking the burden of their piss poor life choices in to my own heart. If my friends don't like each other, they can suck it up and deal with it.. we're adults, I can befriend whomever I like and I'm not mediating and catering to people anymore.

* Simplifying. In every aspect.

As Jermaine, one of the locals we talked to every day said when we asked him how he seems to have so much fun at work despite people sometimes being shitty to him (he's a cook at one of the little Bistros on the resort - his food is delicious, he dances while he cooks and his smile is contagious), said: "It's all about taking a rough life easy."

I think I need that tattooed on my forehead. ;)


P.S. It's been almost a week since we got back (tomorrow will be a week) and despite being back in the full swing of this whole "real life" thing, nothing's gotten to us. It's amazing, really, how very much this gift of time away and a brain reset has effected me. I'm beyond grateful.

5 Years

The past five years have felt both far too short, yet infinite, in their passing. So many things have happened, so many changes and so much growth, yet one thing has remained constant throughout it all; having my best friend, soul mate, husband by my side.

Despite my ongoing struggles with depression and incurable illnesses, things that I will carry with me throughout this life of mine, you have stood by me, holding my hand and lifting me up... even when you had nothing left to give and were, yourself, on the brink of emotional catastrophe from having to carry me for so long. You've saved me from the demons of my past, from the horrors that once had hold of me and promised to never retract their claws from my heart for so long as I lived, by showing me that my past does not define me; the abuse and hurts others have done me do not define my soul or my heart, they do not define my value or worthy. You've shown me, by word and deed that I am worthy of love and respect and kindness. That I'm not hopeless or used up, you put twinkle lights in the trees for me to follow on the path to healing.

You make me smile and laugh every single day and you appreciate and encourage my fucked up brand of humor; you have one too. I love the way our brains sometimes seem to work in unison and I'll end up singing a song that you were thinking about, and I still giggle when I hear you occasionally belt things out in the shower without even realizing you're doing it. Let's never give up our love of vinyl records and music, but continue to grow our tastes and our collections. Because evenings curled up on the couch, or dancing and throwing darts while the turntable spins are some of my favorites. Ever.

Let's never give up on taking day trips to sleepy towns and cemeteries, to forests and modern ruins. Let's keep our sense of adventure well fed and close at hand and continue to enjoy to visit new-to us places and spaces.

I love that we're both geeks and nerds who simply refuse to grow up, despite growing older. The box of childhood toys you gave me for my 30th was amazing, but the little note you probably don't even remember tucking in there, meant more to me than anything else in that box. You reminded me that I have no choice but to grow old, but I don't have to grow up... to never, ever lose my inner child. I'm glad that we will always play with Legos, defeat monsters, save the world, watch giant robots destroy Tokyo, laugh at cartoons and stupid comedy together. I love that no matter how stupid obsessed with something one of us gets, no matter how ridiculous the things I collect get or how many dolls I pile up on the shelves, that there's no judgement. To know that I can be 110% myself, over the top giddyness and squealing at everything I see in Tardis Blue and all, and that you'll never think I'm some weirdo or loser. I'm happy as can be to be in mutual Geek with you.

I also appreciate your willingness to dress up and play along when I get a wild urge to take photos of scenes and things. :) That you never say things like "Do I have to?", "that's dumb", or ever discourage me or my imagination in any way.

Thank you for helping me to beat up my fear of heights and for not making fun of me when I cried going up on the Wind Seeker ride or when I almost threw up a dozen times before getting in to that hot air balloon. Thank you for waiting on me while I get my vertigo under control on staircases and catch my breath from mountain tops. Thank you for being patient with my fears and phobias, for only laughing a little bit when I run away screaming with my hands flailing over my head from baby garter snakes and leaves that I thought were spiders touching me. For taking Luna out to poop in the middle of the night because I'm afraid of the dark and for not making fun of me when you come home late to every window and door locked up tight and me asleep in the bed snuggling with a baseball bat in case of axe-murderers. Thank you for pushing me to try new things, but also, for teaching me to appreciate the things I have right now.

Most of all, thank you for loving me and for standing by me. For being my biggest supporter, most comfortable shoulder and best friend. Thank you for helping me to want and strive to be a better person. Thank you for being my heart's other half; I'm proud and happy beyond what I can even express, to call you my husband.

I love you, Joe. The last 5 years have been incredible and I can't wait to see what the next 5 have in store for us. Let's keep running, through all of time and space. Together.