5 Years

The past five years have felt both far too short, yet infinite, in their passing. So many things have happened, so many changes and so much growth, yet one thing has remained constant throughout it all; having my best friend, soul mate, husband by my side.

Despite my ongoing struggles with depression and incurable illnesses, things that I will carry with me throughout this life of mine, you have stood by me, holding my hand and lifting me up... even when you had nothing left to give and were, yourself, on the brink of emotional catastrophe from having to carry me for so long. You've saved me from the demons of my past, from the horrors that once had hold of me and promised to never retract their claws from my heart for so long as I lived, by showing me that my past does not define me; the abuse and hurts others have done me do not define my soul or my heart, they do not define my value or worthy. You've shown me, by word and deed that I am worthy of love and respect and kindness. That I'm not hopeless or used up, you put twinkle lights in the trees for me to follow on the path to healing.

You make me smile and laugh every single day and you appreciate and encourage my fucked up brand of humor; you have one too. I love the way our brains sometimes seem to work in unison and I'll end up singing a song that you were thinking about, and I still giggle when I hear you occasionally belt things out in the shower without even realizing you're doing it. Let's never give up our love of vinyl records and music, but continue to grow our tastes and our collections. Because evenings curled up on the couch, or dancing and throwing darts while the turntable spins are some of my favorites. Ever.

Let's never give up on taking day trips to sleepy towns and cemeteries, to forests and modern ruins. Let's keep our sense of adventure well fed and close at hand and continue to enjoy to visit new-to us places and spaces.

I love that we're both geeks and nerds who simply refuse to grow up, despite growing older. The box of childhood toys you gave me for my 30th was amazing, but the little note you probably don't even remember tucking in there, meant more to me than anything else in that box. You reminded me that I have no choice but to grow old, but I don't have to grow up... to never, ever lose my inner child. I'm glad that we will always play with Legos, defeat monsters, save the world, watch giant robots destroy Tokyo, laugh at cartoons and stupid comedy together. I love that no matter how stupid obsessed with something one of us gets, no matter how ridiculous the things I collect get or how many dolls I pile up on the shelves, that there's no judgement. To know that I can be 110% myself, over the top giddyness and squealing at everything I see in Tardis Blue and all, and that you'll never think I'm some weirdo or loser. I'm happy as can be to be in mutual Geek with you.

I also appreciate your willingness to dress up and play along when I get a wild urge to take photos of scenes and things. :) That you never say things like "Do I have to?", "that's dumb", or ever discourage me or my imagination in any way.

Thank you for helping me to beat up my fear of heights and for not making fun of me when I cried going up on the Wind Seeker ride or when I almost threw up a dozen times before getting in to that hot air balloon. Thank you for waiting on me while I get my vertigo under control on staircases and catch my breath from mountain tops. Thank you for being patient with my fears and phobias, for only laughing a little bit when I run away screaming with my hands flailing over my head from baby garter snakes and leaves that I thought were spiders touching me. For taking Luna out to poop in the middle of the night because I'm afraid of the dark and for not making fun of me when you come home late to every window and door locked up tight and me asleep in the bed snuggling with a baseball bat in case of axe-murderers. Thank you for pushing me to try new things, but also, for teaching me to appreciate the things I have right now.

Most of all, thank you for loving me and for standing by me. For being my biggest supporter, most comfortable shoulder and best friend. Thank you for helping me to want and strive to be a better person. Thank you for being my heart's other half; I'm proud and happy beyond what I can even express, to call you my husband.

I love you, Joe. The last 5 years have been incredible and I can't wait to see what the next 5 have in store for us. Let's keep running, through all of time and space. Together.