Monday Musings: Farewell, Sweet Boy

Chico 12/24/08 - 11/3/14

When we bring an animal in to our home and invite them in to our hearts, the promise we make to love and care for them includes the entirety of their life.

Which includes the end of it. And sometimes, when to end it.

The decision to send our beautiful Chico across the rainbow bridge is long delayed. My human heart wasn't ready to listen to the cues he's been dropping for over a year.

Which is how long it's been since he came to Joe for his morning cuddles.

Months since he's come to sit behind me on the couch to bat me in the head and demand a belly rub.

Weeks since he's eaten properly, used his litter box to pee or come out of hiding to do more than eat a little and smack Luna in the head.

But oh, the times I did catch him out and managed to pet him. He'd purr and show me his belly. I convinced myself he was fine.

So I cleaned the pee from the carpets a dozen times a day. Ignored that the usual measures to correct it weren't working. Pretended not to notice his hips sticking out and hours anti social behavior becoming the norm.

Until I heard him crying. Saw the drooling and the blood in the stool. I took a good look in his eyes and saw how tired he was. Even then, it took me a weekend and a break down to bring it to Joe so we could make a decision.

And as is often the case, the right way was the hard way. We made the hardest decision for us and the best for him. To let him go.

Last night I slept on the couch to see if he'd come to snuggle me to sleep one last time. When Acorn woke to nurse the first time he hadn't. When I laid back down I cried and whispered that I hoped I was doing the right thing that he was ready. And bony paws crept over my legs, across my belly and settled a purring lump on my chest. And we slept, soundly,  knowing it was the last time.

And so today, we held our boy a few last times. We held him teary eyed as the wonderful vet who cared for him prayed over him and for us. We held him as he took his final breath, so quickly and quietly and sobbing told him we loved him. The injection had barely started and he was gone, he'd been hanging on for us. Our sweek half feral boy.

We brought him home to bury in our yard, tonight with friends who have cared for him and grown to love him as we have.

We'll celebrate our little boy who we've kept on borrowed time for 6 wonderful years after he was plucked half dead from the snow. I'll cry over his rabbit soft fur, his mustache and chest patch which made him so unique. Remember how he purred so hard that the couch would sometimes vibrate, how he'd curl up on my chest when I was sick and purr me to sleep as he did one last time last night or nuzzle in to Joe's beard.

We'll laugh remembering when he was neutered and the vet had to do more than a snip because his testicles were "ridiculously big", making Joe exclaim 'that's my boy! ' At how he would fetch Nerf darts like a dog and roll dice that fell on the floor. Dice cat rolls a critical hit! And marvel at his ability to hide in the smallest spaces.

We'll mourn. We'll cry and we'll miss him. Luna and Molly will grieve in their own ways. But I'll know we gave him the best life possible, loved and spoiled him and kept our promises to him.

Until the very end.

Good night, my sweet Chico. May there be many a cupboard to hide in and hunt mice from across the rainbow bridge. Maybe you'll finally catch that red dot.

 I love you.

Elephant Medicine and Painting

Intuitive painting is one of those things that if you don't do it for a little while, it takes a bit to get back in to the flow. Sort of like when you haven't worked out for a long time and you need to stretch and recondition the muscles that you've grown used to not using before you can pick up where you left off.

Over the past two years I've built up what I refer to as muscle memory that triggers my brain to take the back seat so my intuition and I can have a talk. Not always, mind you, because there is still fun and enjoyment to be had when I sit down and say "I want to draw x, y or z thing" but when I want to do some deeper work and exploration. I set up things just so, get out a particular palette, stretch myself out and then ground myself before beginning.

I went through all these motions the other day and started painting what I figured would end up being three women. As the purple paint swooped and looped across the paper, I was fully locked in to this idea of three wise women; I even blocked out the musculature for the central one. But, as I worked I kept getting this internal nudge that sounded and felt very much like "elephant". What? Elephant? This was going to be three wise women, my intuition said so!

The turning point.

Wrong! My brain had decided that's what the painting was going to be, not my intuitive muscles. I stepped back from the painting for a moment and sure enough, I saw the beginnings of a large elephant in the shapes I thought would be women. Following the nudge, I began to work on it and was working much more easily than I had been. In the same time it took me to struggle with 3 shapes and some color, I was able to block out and color this spirit animal as well as begin work on the background before calling it a day.

As I talked about in a previous post, my motivation has been holding steady at empty, which has been frustrating to me, as I'm normally a doer. So I've been bringing myself to the paper for 20-60 minutes a day since Thursday - except the weekend, during which I was busily working on things outside. Some days it's been a struggle to get started, but once I'm actively working the process becomes relatively easy and cathartic. Probably because I'm working on a big blue elephant.

So, why an elephant?

Elephant is what I like to refer to as my lifelong totem. She's been by my side, literally, since the day I was born. Winter storm child that I am, I was born in a blizzard and all the shops aside from a small one near the hospital were closed. My dad, on his way to the hospital having left work, wanted to get me something and the thing this little store had that caught his eye was a ridiculously gigantic elephant toy. This toy is totally the carnival variety; filled with styrofoam beads, covered in not so soft flocking and wearing a party hat and clown ruffle (though the ruffle has gotten lost over the past 31 years). I loved that elephant and still do, it lives with me still and hangs out in my studio with me.

She's been a huge part of my life, as a favorite animal and totem since that day. I've read through the different tales and mythologies surrounding elephants in world cultures, have been active in conservation efforts for them since I was a teenager, have written numerous letters to have them released from carnivals, petting zoos, circuses and small zoos where they aren't properly cared for over the years and I even have one tattooed on my calf that I had done when I had come through a few years of emotional turmoil wiser and stronger than I had been before.

Ganesha, the elephant headed God and I have had a close bond since I found him over a decade ago. I will admit that at first I was drawn to him for his unique appearance but after getting to know him, he is one of the most gentle gods I've ever known. He is said to be another aspect of Hermes, much like Thoth, and seeing as how Hermes has been with me since childhood the connection to other aspects of Him makes sense to me.

But I digress. Elephant comes to me most often when I am feeling empty, drained and washed up. She lifts me up with her mighty trunk and lays me on her wide, strong back to rejuvenate. She fills me with strength as she carries me forward, removing obstacles that stand before me while bestowing on to me the wisdom to be gained from having struggled.

She comes to me when I'm faltering emotionally. When I feel scared or anxious, when I feel lost under a sea of "what ifs". She gently opens the door back to the space outside of those dark emotions for me, allowing love, confidence and commitment to the things I've chosen flow back in to me. She shows me through the actions of elephants out in the world what it is to be part of a family or community, what it is to care, to love and to nurture.

She comes to me now, when I'm at a huge threshold of change - when I am frustrated with myself, nervous and excited about the future, to give me her pearl of wisdom. To show me how to mother, by reminding me of all the mothering I've done for myself and others throughout the years. She comes to support me, to comfort me and to reassure me when I once again need her.

Chico and the Vet

This has been a very long week for me, as my Chico (that adorable cat face above) has been at the vet's office since early Wednesday afternoon. Out of nowhere he began walking around the house meowing, not unusual for him as he's a very vocal kitty. But then the meows became howls and I noticed him squatting around the house. Needless to say, I called the vet as I scooped him in to the carrier and prepared to get in the car.

Chico's had some health issues of the urinary tract infection type before, so I thought it was probably that again and prepared to have his usual pee sample and antibiotics. But when the vet touched his abdomen, my usual belly rub loving cat hissed and clawed at him as the vet pronounced he was full of feces. I scratched my head as they took him off to be x-rayed, thinking he had just eaten so that was probably why he was so full.

But when the x-rays came back, I was horrified to see that my poor kitty's colon was stretched in to an unearthly shape and his 2.5 pounds of weight gain was not the good kind. The vet discussed our options for clearing him out but also warned me that while this could be a one time thing where he had a blockage someplace, it could cause permanent damage or be a recurring issue. In either event, the first course of action would be a dietary change and medications and the second, last ditch effort, would be a surgery to reconstruct his digestive system. Which, my non-bullshit vet told me, is an awful procedure for both him and the patient and is something that may not work in the long run anyway, leading to future discomfort and prolonging the inevitable.

Needless to say as I left the office that day with my empty cat carrier, I was upset. And have been upset since. I've been wondering what will happen to him, but also noting the behaviors of Luna and our other kitty, Mister Molly. Luna has been moping and Molly has been extra needy in between bouts of wandering around the house calling for Chico while opening closet doors and looking under beds... as if he were hiding.

After several conversations with the vet the past few days, today he said things looked optimistic and that I could bring Chico home for the weekend to be started on a new diet and monitored for sufficient potty breaks. However, if he isn't eating or doing his business properly, he has to go back to the doctors on Monday and we'll need to go from there.

We've all got our fingers, toes and furry tails crossed that he'll be just fine over the weekend and that this will be a one time thing caused by stress, eating something he shouldn't have or dehydration. Any other crossed fingers, toes and tails are greatly appreciated.

xox

A Cacophony of Crows

I wrote last Sunday about how I was lucky enough to catch a large group of crows as they swooped and crowed over my yard before taking up a very brief residency in my treeline. I managed to run inside for my real camera (as opposed to the handy-dandy iphone) and grabbed a few snaps while they perched and when they took off to chase some sparrows.

Nothing quite like that amount of crow-medicine to move this witch's heart. *sigh* I thought I'd share the beauty of the experience. There were about 30 in total in flight; simply breathtaking.

P.S. Thank you those who commented, for the kind and uplifting words on Friday's post. <3 I'll resume sharing the Painting the Feminine series tomorrow. I've been having some issues with my scanner and photos don't capture the details very well.

Hummingbird Magic

It's been a little while since I've checked in with how SouLodge is going and a while since I've taken to deep plunge in to my monthly soul workings with a new spirit guide. There have been lots of breakthroughs and so much growth throughout this process within myself that I honestly didn't expect to get from, what is essentially, a self-guided e-course.

I will admit, despite the fact that I've been in this course since January, I've been with our first spirit-guide Grandmother Bear since the get-go. She has kept me wrapped up in her warmth to do the really deep work a bit longer than I necessarily wanted her to, but I was gentle with her and with myself and trusted in the process. And trust is something that is hard for me to give out, most especially to myself. Yet I did so and I trusted that I was exactly where I needed to be and was receiving the necessary medicine. While I was sitting with Bear in her warm, herbal scented cave learning how to nourish and love myself, I was also circling with a group of amazing women on a Fearless Painting Adventure called DEEP.

During the course, we worked on one painting for 6 weeks, ruthlessly trusting (there's that word again.) our own intuitions to guide and grow the painting as we created it. We were asked to leave our preconceived notions and ideas at the door and commit to having a relationship with the painting. As I painted, there was a lot of rooting deep into the dirt of myself, using big bear claws and taking the necessary breaks to just be silent and to take care of myself - to keep myself from becoming too raw and overworked. I'd paint and sing. Paint and cry. Get stuck and lay on the floor just below the painting so I could look up at it upside down and wait for it to direct me. And as I worked both on the paper and with Bear, the layers of scar tissue that had built up from years of hurt, depression, loathing and fear, years of not enoughness and self hatred started to heal over. I exorcised inner demons and old memories with my paintbrush, though that was not my initial intention and doesn't really show in the bright colors and symbolism found on the paper. And after time, rays of light began to permeate the sacred space of my mind, "the cave" and I laughed, cried, danced and found a deep peace and a resurgence of self love and deep healing that I haven't felt since, well, I'm not even sure.

And as we came in to May, I felt extremely drawn to color. In a way that is bizarre for me; I craved rainbows and bright, happy, joyful tones. I swapped out the dishes in my kitchen (originally black and white and very formal) for rainbow colored, mismatched beauties. Out went a lot of black tshirts, in came some brightly colored ones. When I picked out new glasses the other day, I picked ones that were pink and tortoiseshell, not my usual thick black matte. They even have most of the lens rimless, you can see most of my face. It's like I'm no longer hiding myself behind something. And during that time, when I was smiling from ear to ear, absorbing the great cacophony of color and the warmth and sunshine of Spring, Bear let me go - telling me I was ready to continue on my SouLodge journey.

My mind initially tried to guilt me in to attempting to play catch up, to work through the months of Lodge I had missed. But, having worked with my guts for so long, in such an intimate healing manner, I knew I needed to let go of those expectations and jump, fearlessly and full of trust, in to May. And when I saw Hummingbird, everything clicked and I felt her magic immediately. All the bright colors and happy vibrations I've been experiencing made perfect sense with this flying rainbow buzzing around in my life. She visits my gardens sometimes and whenever I see her buzzing about, wings flapping faster than seems possible, I get the biggest cheesiest grin on my face. We're old friends and having her fly in to my Lodge work for this month is like a joyful laugh escaping the lips when you least expect it to.

I look forward to working with her as a guide, allowing clear out the spaces in my center and heart. I welcome her vitality and energy and invite it to work its magic on me.

Inward with Bear

Things are continuing to move forward, outward and expanding all around me and this year continues to feel so much lighter and brighter than the last one. Things are still shifting around in nearly every aspect of my life and the feeling from Yule persists.

I've made some progress already with my freshly begun journey in SouLodge as we hunker down with Bear and her medicine and work with the restorative, introspective magic of Winter. This month, for me, is all about self-loving, self-healing and taking the time to feel restive and restored which may sound a little counterproductive to the things I have planned for this year. But, I'm going to go with it and ride the flow of the season and trust that even with slowing down and going inwards, I will ultimately be moving forward. After all, if I can't heal and love myself, if I can't tend to my own needs then how am I ever going to do so for anyone or anything else? If I can't understand and converse with myself, I can't possibly expect to be any good at doing so with other people (or critters).

So, I've been doing a lot of journaling and a good bit of drawing as I take my time with this journey. When I journal, I don't try to phrase the answers like an essay (something my perpetual student and annoyingly perfectionist note-taking personality aspects aren't too fond of) and just let the thoughts slip from my mind, through my hand and on to the page. I haven't gone back to read anything over again, but I'm sure that when I do in a few weeks, months or years time I'll notice how very far I've come since those initial pages.

I've also tried my hand at following the guided meditations and journeywork in the course with varying levels of success. In the past, I've touched on my difficulties with meditation and how I have a hard time focusing and visualizing things - something people seem to find odd, given my creative nature. But, I assure you that when I do these things, I don't see movies on the back of my eye lids, I'm not transported to another plane of existence or being and I don't smell things. And for as long as I've been attempting these exercises in my spiritual practice I've felt like an abject failure for not having things go that way. My time with bear and my sharing with others in the SouLodge has helped me be kind to myself about that, to understand firmly that it isn't always that way for everyone and that what happens for me is just as valid as if those things DID happen for me.

And it's been a tremendous eye opener for me. To know that the sensations, wisps of thoughts, emotions and flickers of images that I see are valid, that these are simply how my mind and heart process the experience. I'm learning to relax and let my intuition and imagination work together to present the wisdom I seek in the best possible way for me to digest it. I've also given up on jumping from position to grab a book and take exact notes because I feel that sort of shoos everything away. Oh, that note taking habit is so damn hard to break.

And all of this has helped rekindle my other spiritual practices after they took a bit of a nap during the past few months. My eye has been skyward more often, toes in the wet grass, really relishing the sensations of the outdoors and the oncoming spring energy that I can feel buzzing -literally with the bees already being out and about- around me. These times of resting and inward travel have opened up new conversations with myself about the irrational guilt I sometimes feel for taking time to veg and do my own thing rather than caring for the plethora of things that I feel need to be taken care of instead (housework, work-work, arbitrary bullshit on the internet). I'm learning to be kinder and gentler with myself and to allow myself guilt free time for self nourishing, friends, family, fur babes and fun. And while there are still times that I fall into old habits and beat myself up over things, it's getting lighter and better. The road out from the darkness isn't a short straight path, but it does lead outwards and is worth getting up after a stumble, brushing myself off and continuing onwards - bravely.

And if these are the only lessons I take from SouLodge, then the money will have been well worth it. But as there are still 11 1/2 months to go, well, we'll see what other lessons and growth await.

P.S. A few people in my offline circle have complained that I'm 'too much of a hippie sometimes.' To those folks I'd like to say, before we go any further in our relationships, don't let the door hit you where the good lord split you! Life is far too short to waste time on people who want to change you for the wrong reasons. Either you like me or you don't, I'm not going to expend energy trying to sway you either way.

May Moments

Man's heart away from nature becomes hard. ~Standing Bear




I've been spending a lot of time outside these past few days, as my staycation flies by - I can't believe it's already Thursday. To be honest, I'm growing a bit depressed that soon it will be back to being indoors for most of the day nearly every day; away from my beautiful backyard and its birds and bees. But I'm going to try my bloody best to get out there for at least a few minutes a day, just to sit and be still.





A few minutes to get my hands dirty in the garden, tending to the food and herbs I'm growing. A few minutes to enjoy the buzzing of bees or the blinking of the fireflies who I so love. A few minutes to replenish my heart and heal from the day. Nature is my mother, my muse and my medicine, the curative to a long day of ingratitude and moaning. How can one feel low when wrapped up in so much magic and beauty?





Everybody needs beauty as well as bread, places to play in and pray in, where nature may heal and give strength to body and soul. ~John Muir

The photos were taken over the course of the month, all in my backyard. A small testament that you can feel like crap and still find and appreciate beauty in the small things. I hope you enjoy them. :)

Oh, Magical Sea Life

My trip to the aquarium on my birthday far surpassed what I had expected it to be. Having always been an avid lover of and devotee to the sea, the creatures that live within its waters have always fascinated me. Any chance I get to visit a reputable aquarium, particularly ones that do rescue and recovery, I go.

The aquarium in neighboring Georgia is said to be one of, if not the, largest in the world. It is home to many species of animal I've not had the chance to encounter before, including whale sharks and beluga whales. For those who don't know, I have been obsessed (I am not exaggerating) with sharks for as long as I can remember. When I first had access to the local and school libraries I would take out stuffy science books about them while other kids picked up "Clifford the Big Red Dog" (mind you, I liked him an awful lot too!) and Shark Week was an event in our house. An event meaning, if it was Shark Week we had better be watching shark programs. So, knowing full well that it was an achievable goal, I stuck "see a Whale Shark" at the top of my 30 by 30 list.

I'm not sure what I was expecting to feel when I first saw one. Perhaps a giddiness akin to Christmas morning? Maybe a sense of awe at how impressive they are? Whatever the feelings stirring inside of me may have been, they moved me to tears and I sat in the big viewing room at the aquarium, surrounded by children and strangers and cried a little. It was indescribably moving for me; the sharks were unimaginably beautiful. That isn't to say the others that we saw weren't, but for me seeing these magnificent animals was like the fulfilling of a childhood wish. The only thing that may have moved me more would be seeing real life dinosaurs, but we've all seen Jurassic Park and know how that would end.

So without further rambling, here are a few more photos of my magical aquarium trip:

Penguin


Beluga Whales

Pacific Jellyfish

Manta Ray

A rare Danni-fish.

There are a bunch more photos if anyone is feeling nosey or wants to see these ones larger. Just go to the Flickr set here.

On Bees

Despite their humble appearance and the occasional sting, bees have many lessons to share. Being the makers of honey, a central ingredient in mead and honeyed wine, bees have an association with the gods as well as a long standing place in magic and non-magical society. They add sweetness to our lives and rituals and remind us not to work so hard that we forget to taste the 'honey' in our own lives. They tell us that the things of which we dream can be accomplished through perseverance, every day just by flying these wee creatures accomplish a seemingly impossible task.

Bees are most often associated with the qualities of hard work, focus, productivity, cooperation and wealth due to the way that they work in their hive. All aspects of the hive must function properly in order for it to continue to prosper and each individual bee becomes single-minded and sharp focused when performing a task. Due to their instinctive nature to fearlessly defend their home they are also associated with devotion to friends and family. Travel, messages from the gods, connection between the here and the Otherworld, life and death, sexuality and fertility are other traits and phenomena that are sometimes associated with the bee.

In spite of all that, the most important lesson of the bees is a simple one: Don't just take, give back as well. As they gather nectar and travel from flower to flower they help to pollinate the plants thereby giving them the ability to create more flowers or to bear fruit. A healthy population of bees is a gardeners best friend, regardless of the size of their plot. It is this departure from selfishly taking without thought of giving that makes this lesson one which is vitally important to take to heart. Humans seem to have forgotten this cycle, the bees have not.

If bees begin to appear in your life, and not just because it's Spring, take a few moments to sit and think about where your life is at the moment. Are you working so hard that you're forgetting to savor the fruits of your labor? Perhaps you've been in some sort of slump and your time has been anything but productive. What dreams have you been neglecting? Maybe you asked the Universe or the Gods something and the wee winged ones hold the answer you seek. Don't only take to heart the associations listed here; go out and really observe the bees that are around you, for their lessons may differ from these. Be silent and listen.

If you find that the bees move you or you just want to help out a creature that is dwindling despite its significant role in our ecosystems and agriculture, consider doing something for them. Plant a bee garden, filled with plants that are particularly attractive to them. Keep it organic so they don't slurp down chemicals at each meal. If you have a large yard and you won't miss having a chunk of it mowed and clipped allow it to grow tall and sow it with wildflowers and herbs, effectively creating your own mini meadow. Not only will the bees thank you, but birds and other small critters will appreciate it as well.

If you have the money, the space and the patience, consider taking up beekeeping. Yes, you will undoubtedly get stung at some point, but to equalize the hurt you'll have honey, wax and the knowledge that you're helping a thriving bee colony grow.

In nature and in spirituality, bees are truly magical creatures.

Sunny Bumbles

Hello my lovelies, long time, no write! It seems some pesky pixie or goblin has absconded with my energy and I've been left hanging about in a very 'blah', 'meh', lethargical kind of mood. Or perhaps it's all the travel that's accompanied the long training hours for the new job that's sapped me, travel that's not-for-pleasure always has that effect on me.

In any event, I'm hoping this slump will end soon. I skimped out on doing anything at all for Midsummer, aside from watching the sun set and sitting about thinking, which is very unusual for me. The longest day of the year has always given me the energetic jitters, but this year, between traveling and a few days of migraines, I wasn't feeling up to doing much of anything. I did however, have my very first sunflower open up and was able to pick the first harvest from our garden; a few fat summer squash, a giant zucchini and several chubby cucumbers. All of which were promptly eaten.

It was so pretty and cool this morning with the sun shining through a haze of dewy, chilly, humidity. As my morning coffee was finishing brewing I felt an irresistible tug on my sleeve to grab my camera and head outside. Mother Nature always knows when I need a little nudge, or a swift kick in the ass and is always quick to deliver whichever I'm needing. I visited all the flowers and trees in the yard, enjoying the play of morning sunlight on their petals and through their leaves. But, the best part of my trip outside was getting to see all of the bumble bees on my sunflowers.

My heart absolutely sings when I get to spend time amongst these fuzzy creatures, as those who've read a while will know. They are so important not only to me, but to the entire world, and have so many wonderful lessons to teach me.

Today's lessons:

Stop and smell the flowers.



Don't be afraid to get a little bit dirty.


If you stand really still and ask really nicely, the bees will let you photograph them.

Really and honestly, this little bee even let me pet him ever so gently.

and lastly, even though the oregano the previous owners planted has fallen over, looks ugly and is trying to take over your herb garden leave it alone for now, because we bees love it!

P.S. Thank you everyone for stopping by my Tea Party tale over the weekend! I was completely blown away by the response and my dancing goat man even peaked in a few times to read your comments. I really am lucky to be married to such a silly fella.

P.P.S. Welcome to all my newest followers! I hope you enjoy your stay at my very eclectic cottage.

Of Rubber Duckies and Passing On

This past weekend was, in a word, surreal. Joe's birthday was Sunday, so we opted to take the weekend easy and just have some fun. No house work, no worries. And at first, it went just as planned, with stops at our local comic book shops to celebrate Free Comic Book Day and a trip to the park downtown for the annual Rubber Duck Derby. There's something ludicrously silly and fun about watching thousands of rubber ducks popping over the waterfalls and racing down the river towards the finish line.

We came home and I absconded to finish painting his birthday gift as we waited for friends to come over for a pre-birthday hangout with fire and s'mores.

As the night went on, I noticed stress and worry on my brother's face. He's not prone to either the way that I am, so I asked what was wrong and he said their (his and his girlfriend's) bunny had been acting oddly, not eating as much as usual and being a bit lazy. I assumed the heat was probably just getting to her but figured I'd give her some feel better petting. However, upon touching her I had the overwhelming feeling that she was dying. Not wanting to worry my brother, and having no explanation for my feeling other then I just felt it, I gave him the name of my vet and told him to take her in the morning.

Not the bunny in this story. This is one of our wild rabbits who I call 'The Strawberry Thief'.

They took her in, my brother went to work, telling me they needed to take her back for blood work in the morning. With that I put all thoughts of the previous night out of my head and Joe and I spent the afternoon lazing about playing video games, which is all he wanted for his birthday. No more then an hour and a half later, my brother's girlfriend rushed out of their room, panicked and hysterical, cradling the bunny who was wide eyed and shaking. I took the bunny from her and told her to get her things, I'd rush them to the vet. However, as I held the bunny I felt a tug on my guts and a sort of shift in the air and knew she had passed. I hadn't felt her stop breathing, but when I put my hand to her ribs, felt her heart had stopped. I layed her down on her blanket, petted her head and wished her a safe, peaceful journey to the Otherworld. My brother and his girlfriend opted not to bury her in our yard, as the clay soil gets too hard for us to dig without an auger past a level of about 1.5 feet and something, I suspect a fox, has dug up the baby bunny I found under the hazelnut tree and buried on May Day.

This is the first time I've held a dying animal fully in my arms. I've held the paws and kissed the heads of many of my beloved pets as they've passed over in the vet's office over the years, but I was loaded up with grief and never experienced the feeling of passing. Not the physical feelings per say, but the indescribable feeling of knowing without knowing. It was a strange feeling, not uncomfortable but not like anything I've experienced before. I've been coming across the dead more often recently, it was only a matter of time before I would come into contact with the dying. However, it effected me more strongly then I anticipated and I spent a good portion of the night in thought or in tears. I think I owe my husband another special day, for being awesome, comforting me and not once being at all annoyed that I was like this on his birthday.

An odd, full circle sort of weekend. A celebration of birth and the passage into death. Have you held an animal as it crossed over before? How did it effect you the first time? Do any of you walk a path where the dead and dying are very much a part of it and if so, would you care to share a bit about it?

Furry Antics

We've only been in our wee cottage a week and I'm already head over heels in love with our back yard. Not only is it a place where I can go out, play, plant and relax but there is definitely magic a foot; homes for the fairer fae and goblins alike have already been spied. I'm not sure if it is the same magic that draws me outside or the copious amount of insects and seeds, but something brings a great variety of birds and small wildlife to my yard.

While I've enjoyed watching them all as we've gotten settled, none have I enjoyed as much as our one new friend;

The chubby squirrel!

He darts around the yard, hides in the flowering trees and the big bird house but nothing entertains me more then watching how he sneaks seeds from our bird feeder:

I know a lot of people complain about squirrels being pests that knock over feeders, but so long as this little guy keeps being so polite about not spilling the seeds, I doubt I'll shoo him away!

How could I, with a face like that?

Tortoise Love

I saw this adorable display of tortoise affection the other day and just had to share. :) They stayed snuggled up like that for at least 20 minutes, as they were still there after seeing some of the other lovelies at the zoo.

Of Oceans and Oil

Oil is still pouring into the Gulf and every day I see more and more photos of tormented, oil covered wildlife and my heart breaks a little bit more. The photos of the pelicans, soaked in oil and seemingly screaming drive me to rage which is quickly followed by sorrow.

We have desecrated our Ocean in a huge way. We're raping her habitats, coating them in crude oil and killing her children. Humanity is not unaffected by this travesty however, 11 people have died; countless others have lost their livelihoods or are about to. Even worse than that though, the Oceans are the life blood of our world. If we destroy them, we destroy ourselves. Minute organisms called phytoplankton make their homes in the seas. You may or may not have heard of these creatures, if you have you probably don't think about them. But you should. Scientists estimate that these ocean dwelling single cell organisms supply 50 - 85% of the world's oxygen. If that isn't magical enough for you, the oceans control our weather. Those clouds you enjoy on a sunny day? Thank the Ocean. The rain that helps our crops to grow and feed us? Thank our Ocean.

The next time someone tells you what's going on in the ocean doesn't effect them, tell them how the ocean provides at least half of the air they're breathing. Ask them if they want their children or grandchildren to grow up in a world without Sea Turtles or Right Whales. If they're the material type explain to them that some of our most popular food items contain kelp or algae. Do they enjoy peanut butter, soymilk... beer? They have the ocean to thank for those.

Chances are pretty good however, that if someone has this mindset they aren't going to care about anything you have to say anyway. Don't waste your energy being angry with them.. you can't teach those who are unwilling to learn. You can however, kick them in the shin. Or better yet, start a group of concerned citizens in your area, talk to council members about your communities recycling programs, drive your car less and get others to do the same. If it's one thing the self absorbed can't stand, it's us 'damn hippies'.

I've been wishing I could take off weeks from work and drive to the Gulf to help with rescue efforts, but my bills won't allow for unpaid time off from work. I'm not giving up on trying to help in other ways. If I can't be there is person, I can be there in spirit and I can make my voice heard. I've been tweeting like a fiend, talking to anyone who cares to listen about how they can help, keeping up to date with the news and donating what I can when I can. A lot of people are doing the same, some are calling for boycotts and others are calling for reforms and a change in the way we live. Personally, I'm firmly in the second camp. Boycotting BP won't stop other oil companies from continuing to drill... lessening our dependence on oil will.

I'll end this lengthy rant here and offer you an inspiring story, a New Moon ritual and a tidbit about something particular I'm doing to help out and how you can help me with that.

Please join myself, several of my soul sisters and a plethora of others as we join together in spirit and send our prayers, energy and healing to the Ocean tomorrow during the New Moon. Regardless of your spiritual beliefs you are invited to join in. Please click the image above to visit Not Hannah at Divining Women, the mastermind behind this global communion.

11 Year old Olivia Boulder has raised thousands of dollars for the Birds Affected by the Gulf Disaster. You can read her story here. It will melt your heart.

The painting at the top of this post was born out of my love for the Sea. I had created quite the ugly, oily art journal page in a fit of emotional turmoil the other day but wanted to focus this painting on the beauty and solitude of the Sea. I will be listing prints in my shop with a limited run of 150 prints. 50% of all purchases of this print will be donated to the Audobon Institure and the Audobon Society. The institute is raising money to help marine mammals and turtles during this tragedy and the society is helping the birds. I will be taking all of the proceeds and splitting them up between the two organizations every two weeks.