May your dreams be larger than mountains and may you have the courage to scale their summits.
Harley King

P.S. Acorn's dad is *way* more comfortable on mountain ledges than me. Maybe *too* comfortable. :-|

On the Farm

During our renovations, we took time to stop for play and rest. One of the things we did was take Acorn to visit a local farm.

Growing up in farm country, farms were old hat to me. Half of my friends grew up on farms! But living in the suburbs, Acorn's missing out on really seeing the animals he sees in his books. Luckily, there's a small farm about 3 minutes from my best friend's house that had an open house and tour last weekend.

So we loaded our little dude in to the car and drove across town to get our fill of farm fresh cheese and yogurt (from sheep and goats! No cows here.), touch all the wool blankets and skeins and roving that I wanted to throw all of our money at, and of course, visit with the animals.

There were some little lambs that we were able to get up close with and Acorn was maybe a bit too excited about them; especially their tails! So I had to hold him back to keep him from hug/tackling them or trying to drag one home by its tail. Poor things!

We *do* have horses next door to us, so while he was incredibly interested, and even a little freaked out by, the sheep and goats he was completely comfortable around the horses. I laughed at how he gave this friendly old guy the brush off - "quit sniffing my hair, horse!"

We'll definitely go back when they have their next open weekend!

Gratitude*Sunday

Each Sunday I stop and count my blessings.

Taking time to honor the things I've been grateful for throughout the week. A quiet, weekly practice of appreciation and positivity. A time to breath and reflect. A small step towards a more simplistic and appreciative outlook. Feel free to join in. <3

This Week I am Grateful For:

* Not having guilt for all the take out and money spent, which helped save my sanity and patience while I was severely sleep deprived this week.
* Finding a deeper well of patience than I knew that I had.
* A very amazing and kind friend offering to come over and help me with Acorn for a few hours one evening so that I could get a few solid hours of uninterrupted sleep. Illness + Developmental Leap + Dad being gone = one sleepless toddler.
* Warm weather and a kiddo who was content to hang in the hammock with me for a bit.
* Re-reading Lord of the Rings and remembering SO MANY things that I had completely forgotten!
* All the new sounds that Acorn is making and words and signs that he's trying out.
* His first animal sound! He pointed at a crow in the sky the other day and said "caw! caw!" When I asked him, "what does a crow say?" He got this HUGE grin on his face and delightedly said "caw! caw!" again. A corvid lover after my own heart! I'm such a proud mommy! :)
* Reuniting with our favorite guy after a week apart!
* Kiddo's first real Easter festivities. We didn't do anything last year because he was too little to really participate in much. We did an egg hunt yesterday morning. I was a little nervous that he'd get knocked down, be overwhelmed, or not really get it, but he ran all over and delighted in throwing the eggs he found in to his basket. Later on, we went to see the Easter Bunny. And while he wasn't totally sure what to make of him, he willingly sat on dad's lap next to the bunny and petted his hand - so we took a family photo with him. :)
* The look of wonder, delight, and surprise when he spotted his "basket" on the kitchen table this morning! In lieu of a basket full of sugary candies, the bunny brought him a little plastic wagon with some garden tools, bubble stuff, sidewalk chalk, play doh and some sand molds to use with the play doh or his water table. He spent a lot of the day pulling the wagon around, and even put eggs in it when we did an indoor (due to rain) egg hunt after his nap. :)

Gratitude*Sunday

Each Sunday I stop and count my blessings.

Taking time to honor the things I've been grateful for throughout the week. A quiet, weekly practice of appreciation and positivity. A time to breath and reflect. A small step towards a more simplistic and appreciative outlook. Feel free to join in. <3

This Week I am Grateful For:

* Catching up with our friends who we haven't seen in a little bit, and a trip to the zoo with the three amigos. Who all let us know when it was time to go. ;)
* Friends who come over and spend their entire Saturday helping us out in return for food and conversation. This time it was fixing Joe's truck.
* My good friend Jenn taking me to my favorite local brewery to do a glass etching class as a late birthday gift.
* Spending time with creative friends at Cynthia of Spirit Uncaged's house. I so need and refill at these creative women's circles she started. It's a beautiful energy and time to experiment and work on projects. It's been the best medicine for me.

Image by Tina Huba HalseyMae.com Facebook

* Time with my best friend, Michael. We suck at best friending lately, but we're working on it.
* Repurposing old artwork from high school and my time in BIG with Dirty Footprints Studio in to a gigantic art journal by tearing it up and sewing it together. Hat tip to Hali Karla for the inspiration to take the plunge and breath new life in to old work.
* Spending most of our waking time outside this week. It's been too beautiful to be indoors!
* Meeting another Stay at Home mom and Harry Potter fan at the park and skipping small talk and talking about our sons, husbands, hobbies, and lives. I hope to see her again! Awkward penguin here didn't ask for her number or anything. Whoops.

Cleaning Out the Chicken Run

It was beautiful this past weekend, so we decided to start to tackle a few of the things that we were...err... a little overdue on around the yard.

At the top of the list were prune the fruit trees and clear out the brush and fallen leaves/pine needles between the tree line and the fence that divides our yard from the farm next door. The pine straw/leaves are so thick we sink up past our ankles in spots and we've found all sorts of, uh, fun stuff from the previous owners buried in it the few times we've started the project in the past.

Used cat litter. A rusted old bicycle. A shovel whose handle had been devoured by bugs. Sharp rusted pieces of metal. Several deflated balls and other toys. Plastic bags full of leaves. Buried in the leaves. (what?)

Well, we didn't get to the meat of that task this weekend because we decided to try to do most of that while Acorn is sleeping due to the assorted weird and at times unsafe things we've found. Instead, Joe decided to start clearing out what we assume was the chicken run that goes along with the coop we've been using as a garden shed for the past 5 years.

It was a lot of work getting it cleared out. Joe had to cut down a few small trees that had grown over the past few years. We pulled up a lot of kudzu roots and raked out and bagged up the leaf litter. In paper bags. That we'll most likely toss in to our massive fire pit one night. Luckily, we had a third set of hands up to the task of helping us out.

Acorn didn't let his small hands get the better of him, he was raking (sort of), throwing the big sticks on the outside of the fence, and bagging leaves right along with us.

Foreman Luna keeping a close eye on the situation.

There's still a bit of work to be done back there - the fence needs fixing in places and 2 new doors need to be built. Then we have to turn the shed back in to a coop with nesting boxes and such. Then, I suppose, we'll finally get those chickens we've been talking about forever. :)

P.S. If I didn't say anything, you'd have no idea that I live in a subdivision with access to all of the major highways and shopping areas 15 or so minutes away, would you? Our yard feels like a magical little secret to me, and I love coming home to it after traveling through the insane traffic and hustle that's just past the end of the road.

Gratitude*Sunday

I'm counting my blessings.

Taking time to honor the things I've been grateful for throughout the week. A quiet, weekly practice of appreciation and positivity. A time to breath and reflect. A small step towards a more simplistic and appreciative outlook. Feel free to join in. <3

This Week I Am Grateful For:

* Joe taking such good care of me when I was the sickest I've been in over a decade last weekend. The 72 hour flu was awful, but he made it less miserable.
* Redoing my kitchen chalkboard.
* Scheming some renovations for the house and a new garden.
* A much needed date night with my hubby. A good friend came over and knit and hung out after Acorn had gone to sleep so Joe and I could abscond to the local brewery for drinks, chatting each other up, and live music. We went out for burgers afterwards, where we made faces at the little boy in the booth next to us. He thought it was hilarious!

* Getting over the stomach bug that mopped the floor with Acorn and I last week. Somehow, despite being thrown up on by our son, Joe missed out on the bug train. Lucky man.
* Making time to art journal.
* Getting out of the house. Acorn and I went to toddler gymnastics class, a boat load of stores, and played outside as much as possible after being cooped up in the house sick.
* Some "aha" moments while finishing up SouLodge with Wolf. The beginnings of a serious contemplation about holding a women's circle, feeling out intentions and guiding values.
* All the cardinals, robins, and crows flittering about the backyard.
* My dudes eating a dinner that did NOT turn out as expected. That's the last time I trust a recipe that I have questions about.
* Getting some much needed yard work done.
* My sister sending me "a few" (a medium flat rate box full) of my great aunt's jewelry. She's one of my very favorite family members, but the saucy old pistol moved out of her home in to an assisted living facility, and when she did so she told my family to take what they wanted because she wasn't going to move it again. Looking through it made me smile, cry, and ask out loud "what the fuck was she thinking?" :)

* A little red wagon.
* Acorn's desire to help with all the things. If I open the laundry room doors, he runs over and says "dryer?" because putting the wet clothes in there is his favorite chore after feeding the dog. He has a mini set of garden tools, a mini broom, and his very own spray bottle of water to clean with. That last one is his favorite.
* Love, love, love.
* Sunshine in a hammock.
*

The End of October

edited to add: I've been working on this post since early November, but due to some internet bugs I'm only just now finishing it. Que Sera, Sera.

We spent the last half of October up North in the woods of Pennsylvania. Joe spent a week of that time helping his best friend get the house he and his wife just bought in to move-in condition. Little dude and I spent most of our time with my sister, her husband and their daughter.

Lately

Over the past few weeks, we've had quite a few things going on.

Adventures were had. New cities explored. A first pair of shoes was purchased and then boycotted.

A second pair of shoes was purchased and was more well received, though Acorn (and myself, if I'm being completely honest) still spend most of our time barefoot.

My best friend of 26 years came down from New Jersey to visit with us for a week and it was wonderful to have her here; not least of all because I didn't have to wash a single dish the entire week! ;) We spent a good deal of time eating our way through town, lavishing the boy with affection, and I even took a few showers without an audience! Ah, the little things, right?



During her visit we took a painting class, wandered a beautiful college campus, enjoyed craft beers, explored Asheville, NC, and went out to a piano bar where I sang karaoke. There's video, but I'm not sharing!

She went back home and life continued on as it did before, only a little more quiet and a little more incomplete feeling, as it always feels for a few days after our friends and family from back home leave.

There hasn't been much time to focus on those feelings, though. There are molars growing in that require comfort, the last of Acorns baby friend's celebrated her 1st birthday (and I very nearly sobbed singing to her, because now it's really real - all of our kids aren't babies anymore), the laundry has piled up in it's mysterious fashion, Joe and I have been working on home projects, our anniversary is coming up, October and its annual whirlwind of activity is fast approaching and I'm preparing for an Artisan Fair next month.

Tonight, for reasons I'm blaming on the Equinox, my anxiety is through the roof. So rather than work on anything, I'm planning to drink some tea, eat some cheese, crochet a bit, post my first picture for the 100 Happy Days Project and go to bed early so that tomorrow I might feel a little less jittery and on edge.

Oh, Hello

Blue moon witchery. Big magic for big healing and big changes over the next 2 years.

It's been a while.

But, you know. Life. 1st birthday. Toddler. Illness. Family Visits. Sleep. WALKING! (sort of) It's been a busy life, and at the end of the long days that make up the insanely fast years, I want to curl up on the couch with my husband or a book and veg out. Sometimes, I art a little, or color, or work on a crafty something or other. I'm coming back to who I was before baby, though I'll be forever changed and it's still taking a little adjustment.

Funny, going "back to normal" is like a whole new adventure all over again. Haha. And as it is with adventures, I'm learning and growing from it. My priorities are a lot clearer now and the mess (though still sometimes insanity inducing) is firmly on the back burner until I've met the needs of myself and my dudes. That sometimes means dishes get done at 7 am and other times mean they're done at 10:30 pm. Doesn't really matter because they're still there waiting no matter the time, because I'm not a storybook witch who can wish them away. *sigh*

The big updates from here are: Acorn is now a year old. And hot stepping all over the place for short distances. And breaking his mom's heart with all this growing he's been doing, even as he delights us and makes us proud. Looking back on the last year has helped me to get through the hard and longest of days, because there's perspective now. I feel like I blinked, and my newborn baby was whisked away and replaced by this toddler with his boy face. Really, where did those baby features go?!?

Joe and I are both doing well and finding more time for ourselves and our hobbies again. My physical stuff is still ongoing, still waiting to see a specialist for my autoimmune disease so I can get a 100% accurate diagnosis and start treatment, but I've been taking my own steps to try to keep my discomfort under control. I'm working on improving my diet, cutting back on consumerism (sorry craft stores, my money now goes entirely towards food!), increasing my vitamin D (which is hard when it's like the surface of the sun outside ALL THE TIME) and getting up at the asscrack of dawn to do some stretches, yoga and my PT exercises. I'm not a morning person, so that's been a bit rough, but it's been tremendously helpful.

Taking some time to center and breath.

I'm making lots of progress with my mental health too, which sometimes feels very frustrating, because it often feels like 2 steps forward, 2 steps back. Every bit of progress seems to dredge up something else that needs to be healed. But, I'm getting there. The work is hard and some days I question if it's worth being grumpy or upset to get this work done, but then I remind myself that for all of the short term discomfort, there will be long term healing. Once I heal my inner child, overcome the fears that trigger my anger and quit questioning my worth, things will be smoother, happier and less stressful. So, onwards and upwards.

I've also still been debating if I should keep blogging here, change the name, move to Wordpress, blah, blah, blah... and I'm still undecided. I know the name no longer suits me, that I need an overhaul to make this space feel like it belongs to this current iteration of me. But do I want to wipe the slate completely clean, or just redecorate? Still pondering.

How are things with all of you? What's new in all of your lives? I've been a real shit about emailing, writing, etc. and I no longer use Facebook at all so I'm completely out of the loop.

Yule, Santa and a Peek at Our Tree

Before I shift gears and share a little bit of what's going on here for the holidays, I just wanted to say thank you to everyone who commented on my last post, emailed, texted, called or drove to my house and lifted me up and shared their own stories. It's a lot less dark when you realize how not alone you really are. So, thank you all. I had my first therapy session last week and not only am I comfortable with the therapist (I dig her non fluff attitude) but she has given me hope that I will be feeling better sooner than I anticipated and that, if once we've overcome this hurdle I'd like to stay on and do some of the fucking deep healing - she's on board for that too. It just feels good to know that the very hard first step was worth it - I feel like I'm exactly where I need to be and am doing what I need to be doing. The work will be rough and I can't go as often as I'd like to due to budget constraints, but all in due time, right?

With that out of the way, I hope everyone had a magical Solstice and New Moon! How was THAT for a double whammy of releasing and inviting in new beginnings? We went to meet up with my sisters of the new moon to share a meal and sit around the fire for a bit before Acorn decided it was time to go home and to bed. I think we may have a sensitive old soul on our hands here - he likes new people, is calm when they hold him and takes in his surroundings with very serious intent but once his cup is full he is quick to let me know he wants to be alone, or sleep or go someplace quiet. And we oblige, because this time of baby hood is so very short. Once we got home and I had him settled, Joe built a fire and I worked a little bit of magic at the kitchen table with some Earth medicine and my oracle cards. It's funny, before I had Acorn all of my big work was done outside or at the altar in my bedroom. Now that he bunks in there, I'll make sacred space wherever I can carve it out, including on top of a ridiculous snowman tablecloth in the kitchen. Ah, lessons. After I was done, I left my pulled cards and the citrine stone that my Work was focused on in the grounded jaws of badger in my South facing window to absorb the magic of the newly rebirthed Sun. I need this immense fire energy right now, but it needs to be harnessed lest it burn me beyond the point of rebirth. I'm tempering the Phoenix medicine that's been appearing so frequently around me (oh, do I know there are big scary changes in store when Phoenix comes and shines her hot light in to my heart) with my belovedly stodgy Badger.

There's deep work, an inferno of release and a rebirth from the ashes ahead. I'm sort of terrified of burning up who I truly am with all of the refuse, but the deep rooted knowing of my soul says that my true self can never be consumed if I don't allow it to be. This winding path is scary sometimes, but I'm placing my faith in the bright light of hope.

We also made time to see the big man himself!

In more mundane magical happenings, we've finished decorating the house and getting our gifts together and are ready for Joe's parents to join us through the New Year. I'll be taking plenty of breaks with my kiddo in the quiet bedroom to nurse and get some introvert time in so I don't become overwhelmed. The holidays are always pretty taxing on me and with a house full for over a week, if I'm not careful I'll be ragged and edgy by Saturday. I'm ridiculously pleased with what I managed to pull together in the gift department without stressing myself out. Thank the Gods for nap times, the internet, thrift stores and a future sister in law who let me borrow her sewing machine at the last minute.

I'll be doing the "One Little Word" instead of a resolution again, as I have the past few years, but I'll have more on that as well as my usual photo whore wrap up of 2014 a bit closer to the New Year. I just wanted to check in amongst the holiday madness and let you all know I'm OK. I have a direction, I see Hope, I have helpers, support and so much love around me and I'm going to get better. And, I've been enjoying the holidays, even if quietly. While sipping eggnog on the couch watching my favorite Christmas movies with my favorite fella while our Yulemas tree twinkles.

Moonday Musings: Thanksgiving Weekend

We had a wonderful Thanksgiving, I'd say probably the best one we've had in a few years. We stayed home and invited a few friends over. Joe woke up at 5am to start cooking the big things - ham and turkey- Acorn and I woke up a bit later and watched the parade on TV (well, I watched while I played with him) before I worked on my offerings of raspberry chocolate pound cake and fresh cranberry sauce. Our friends brought the rest of the sides as well as 4 (yes - 4) pies!

Everything was delicious and we all had very full bellies. After we ate, we spent the remained of the afternoon, evening and early part of the night talking and playing games. Acorn slept soundly despite our loud laughter. Everyone went home around 11 pm, and Joe and I went to bed tired but happy. It's been a long time since we had a house full of people having fun and to be honest, it's been a bit lonely. While I'm a bit of a loner, I'm also someone who lives entertaining people. As ever, I'm an anomaly.

We spent my least favorite day of the year, Black Friday aka The ShitShow of Greed and Commercialism, snuggled in bed until late. Then getting up to eat breakfast, pack away the Autumn decor and start lugging the Christmas stuff out of the attic. We also spent a good amount of time trying to get Acorn to nap, as he's entered the dreaded 4 month sleep regression and seems to have gone back to his newborn days of fighting naps to the point of exhaustion. Having tried every trick in my arsenal to get him to sleep on his own, I threw in the towel and strapped him to my chest in the Babyhawk while we decorated the front yard. As Joe hung up the lights on the house and I decorated the tree out front, Acorn drifted off to sleep. Success!

We did venture out in the early evening, once all the traffic and madness had died back, to visit our favorite local brewery for their "Black Stout Friday" event. 9 delicious stouts on tap and a string band on a chilly night cannot be beat!

Saturday and Sunday found us out and about. We browsed tool stores, picked up a few items we needed from the store and looked for our annual Yulemas tree. We visited the lot we've gone to each Christmas since we bought the house, a little family run affair that brings their trees in from their family farm in North Carolina. Acorn got to touch his very first fir trees as we looked around and Joe and I had small heart attacks over how much the price of trees has increased since last year. With only one income this year, a $70 tree that was already cut and not in a pot to be replanted was not in our budget. We snapped some photos while we were there, as I do every year, but we ended up buying a much more budget friendly tree elsewhere.

Today the nap fighting continues, Acorn's longest snooze being about 35 minutes. I managed to get in the shower and am writing this up on my phone as he dozes off beside me in the bed; he seems to sleep longer with me beside him right now and I'm willing to do whatever it takes at the moment to help him get the rest he very much needs. I hate typing on my phone, but I forgot to grab a book or my journal and when I go to roll away his eyes pop open. Ah well.

Plans for the afternoon include a stroll around the block since it's fairly warm, repainting an old window frame to use in my holiday mantle display, dusting the altar and swapping Autumn things for Winter ones and, if I'm really lucky, organizing the freezers.

The excitement never ceases!

Wordless Wednesday: 3 Generations

Moonday Musings: Family and the Zoo

Saturday evening, for the first time since we left New Jersey for the South, my mom's car rolled in to my driveway with my step father, my sister and my niece in tow. And I was so happy to see every one!

We gave them the penny tour of our home, went out to get groceries for dinner, called my brother who lives just down the road and had a great time chatting and laughing. My family was smitten by Acorn, Khloe - who is now 3- kept referring to him as her best friend and telling us all how much she loves her best friend. Luna chased everyone around the yard as they stretched their legs after the long trip, my brother was dragged off in to the other room by Khloe to play legos and watch Barbie cartoons and I grossed out my mom and sister by telling them that I ate my placenta after we'd had a conversation about how incredible the human body is. To be fair, my sister brought it up by saying "Did you know you can eat that?" and I said, "Yup, because I did! Not with onions like a liver or anything, but powdered in capsules." Priceless reactions afterwards, lol! Everyone stayed up way later than they probably should have, given how early they'd gotten up, but my brother and his fiance haven't seen the rest of the family in 2 years and everyone wanted to hold my son and it was just good to catch up.

Also, we had "family portrait time" with my entirely uncooperative family. My brother's fiance did her very best to get a good picture, but mom my, brother and sister all HATE having their pictures taken and so, don't ever take them seriously. In the end, that's ok, because this is the one I'm going to print out, hang on my wall and give them all for Yuletide. ;)

Yesterday morning we were all up bright and early and Chris and Katelyn (my brother and fiance) drove over so we could all go to the zoo downtown together. It's a small, but really nice zoo and Katherine (my sister) was ridiculously excited to see the baby giraffe that lives there. It was Acorn's first trip to the zoo and it was amazing to see how inquisitive and attentive he was, even while he was riding in the Ergo on dad's chest. (I'm usually the baby wearer, but I've been dealing with a terrible bought of sciatica, so sadly, no snuggles were had by me). This time, folks were *slightly* more cooperative for photos. ;)

The Rogue's Gallery. My sister, Katherine, Brother Chris, Niece Khloe (who took to uncle Chris like you would NOT believe, but due to her obsession with Frozen, calls him "Hans"), Acorn, Joe, Me and Chris' fiance, Katelyn. Also, my mom's first time using a DSLR. Not bad mom, not bad at all.

Today, we'll take them downtown to walk Main Street, get some lunch, maybe do some shopping and visit the gorgeous park. They'll be leaving either tomorrow morning or Wednesday, they haven't decided yet. But either way, I wish they were staying longer. It's been nice having everyone here, having several extra hands to help with Acorn since my back is fucked up, I don't know when our next trip to NJ will be and there's so much more I'd like to show them.

I'll just have to keep my fingers and toes crossed that they feel up to making the long trip again sometime. :)

Wordless Wednesday: How We Say Goodbye

Monday Musings: Farewell, Sweet Boy

Chico 12/24/08 - 11/3/14

When we bring an animal in to our home and invite them in to our hearts, the promise we make to love and care for them includes the entirety of their life.

Which includes the end of it. And sometimes, when to end it.

The decision to send our beautiful Chico across the rainbow bridge is long delayed. My human heart wasn't ready to listen to the cues he's been dropping for over a year.

Which is how long it's been since he came to Joe for his morning cuddles.

Months since he's come to sit behind me on the couch to bat me in the head and demand a belly rub.

Weeks since he's eaten properly, used his litter box to pee or come out of hiding to do more than eat a little and smack Luna in the head.

But oh, the times I did catch him out and managed to pet him. He'd purr and show me his belly. I convinced myself he was fine.

So I cleaned the pee from the carpets a dozen times a day. Ignored that the usual measures to correct it weren't working. Pretended not to notice his hips sticking out and hours anti social behavior becoming the norm.

Until I heard him crying. Saw the drooling and the blood in the stool. I took a good look in his eyes and saw how tired he was. Even then, it took me a weekend and a break down to bring it to Joe so we could make a decision.

And as is often the case, the right way was the hard way. We made the hardest decision for us and the best for him. To let him go.

Last night I slept on the couch to see if he'd come to snuggle me to sleep one last time. When Acorn woke to nurse the first time he hadn't. When I laid back down I cried and whispered that I hoped I was doing the right thing that he was ready. And bony paws crept over my legs, across my belly and settled a purring lump on my chest. And we slept, soundly,  knowing it was the last time.

And so today, we held our boy a few last times. We held him teary eyed as the wonderful vet who cared for him prayed over him and for us. We held him as he took his final breath, so quickly and quietly and sobbing told him we loved him. The injection had barely started and he was gone, he'd been hanging on for us. Our sweek half feral boy.

We brought him home to bury in our yard, tonight with friends who have cared for him and grown to love him as we have.

We'll celebrate our little boy who we've kept on borrowed time for 6 wonderful years after he was plucked half dead from the snow. I'll cry over his rabbit soft fur, his mustache and chest patch which made him so unique. Remember how he purred so hard that the couch would sometimes vibrate, how he'd curl up on my chest when I was sick and purr me to sleep as he did one last time last night or nuzzle in to Joe's beard.

We'll laugh remembering when he was neutered and the vet had to do more than a snip because his testicles were "ridiculously big", making Joe exclaim 'that's my boy! ' At how he would fetch Nerf darts like a dog and roll dice that fell on the floor. Dice cat rolls a critical hit! And marvel at his ability to hide in the smallest spaces.

We'll mourn. We'll cry and we'll miss him. Luna and Molly will grieve in their own ways. But I'll know we gave him the best life possible, loved and spoiled him and kept our promises to him.

Until the very end.

Good night, my sweet Chico. May there be many a cupboard to hide in and hunt mice from across the rainbow bridge. Maybe you'll finally catch that red dot.

 I love you.

Wordless Wednesday

Apple Time

This week, it's been gorgeous here in the Land of Eternal Summer. Well, to this Northerner anyway. It's been cool, cloudy and breezy most days with the sun peeking out just enough to warm it up when the breeze is a bit chilly. Very Autumnal, I was overjoyed when we got to wear hoodies on Mabon!

In celebration of Autumn and to enjoy the beautiful weather, our trio hopped int he car this morning and hit up the local farm to pick apples. Acorn won't remember his first apple picking adventure, but we will. Plus, we snagged about 10 pounds of the juicy buggers to turn in to apple butter, apple pie, apple muffins... you know, autumn apple overload. :)

Joe did his "fatherly duties" as he puts it and took some videos of us in the field with the handy dandy camcorder he ordered a week ago. We never did the whole home movies thing in my family growing up, but he did. As far as this camera happy lady is concerned, the more captured memories the better!

We had a lovely morning, walking the orchard and finding apples to bring home and some to munch on. The bees found some to munch on too! Acorn had to settle for apple flavored milk, since he's far too little to actually eat them. Though he did help us pick some. ;)

5.5 Weeks

Every time I've sat down to write over the past few weeks, my mind has suddenly gone blank. I'll have all these thoughts on what to share and how to express the things I've felt these past weeks while I'm nursing Acorn in the middle of the night, shoveling food in my face or having a long hot shower. But I've so missed writing that I'm going to sit here and try to get the thoughts out, even if they come out jumbled. I'm running on pure exhaustion currently. For those who don't dig mommy blog entries, that's fine. Skip this one. :) I won't always be writing about mom stuff from here on out, but let's be honest, this is all new for me and with a newborn it's not like there's much else going on with me right now. ;)

It's been harder, yet better than I imagined. Being someone who has lived my entire life with depression, I was so worried I would have issues with it right after the baby was born. I was scared that I wouldn't feel a bond with the baby easily, because I wasn't one of those pregnant women who cooed at, read to or generally was enamored with my swollen belly. I didn't feel any crazy strong bond with my unborn child. To be honest, until I held Acorn in my arms for the very first time, the whole thing felt sort of surreal to me. Luckily, all of those fears of mine were completely unfounded. I have loved this little boy with ferocity and a sort of love I didn't even know I was capable of since he was first placed, goopy and screaming, on my chest. When they did his tests in the hospital and he was crying, it was all I could do not to strangle the nurse doing the dastardly deed of pricking his heal. It strikes me that I may be the momma grizzly bear type. Woe be unto those who give him shots and make him cry!

The first night home from the hospital was by far the worst. My self esteem was somewhere deep, deep , in the shitter as I tried desperately to get Acorn to latch on my breast properly. Every time we'd try, I'd have sharp excruciating pain and my nipple would come out misshapen. I'd elected to stay in the hospital for an extra day so I could meet with the lactation consultant to help us out, because this natural process wasn't coming so naturally to us, so I was beating the shit out of myself for having such an issue with it now that we were home. I shot an SOS off to my really, truly, fabulously amazing doula and she said she'd not only be by the next day to try to help me but was going to give my info to a lactation consultant who is going for her IBCLC certification and needed volunteer hours so she could make a housecall and help me out. By the time the two of them got to me, I was scabby and just the thought of nursing my child made me cry. When he started rooting, I'd feal myself grow anxious and when he latched on I'd yell out and spend our 40 minute nursing session crying, because it hurt. Worse than the entire 80+ hours of unmedicated birth. No lie.

They both watched our technique and both complimented me on how well we were doing in that department. The consultant said that if I hadn't told her I've never seen anyone breastfeed and have never done it before, she wouldn't have had a clue. So it wasn't error on either of our parts in that department, so we checked his mouth. I was kind of surprised they didn't do this in the hospital, since I was having so many issue and am tongue and lip tied - something that can interfere with breastfeeding and other awesome things like speech. (Ask me how much fun it was to overcome speech impediments sometime) Turns out my baby inherited my severe tongue and lip tie, which were keeping him from being able to flare his lips or move his tongue properly. Since he couldn't make the proper wave motion with his tongue to get the milk, he was chomping on me with his gums. No wonder I hurt! Joe and I did some research in to practitioners in our area that correct the issue. Mine was never revised, my mom didn't even know I had it until I told her about Acorn's, and so I'm well aware of some of the issues that can arise from it later in life. We opted to make an appointment for revision, not just so we could continue nursing with reduced pain for me, but to hopefully prevent the issues I have had in him.

The doctor couldn't get us in for a week, so I had to keep on keeping on. I ended up with not one, but TWO plugged ducts! But kept reminding myself why I chose to breastfeed and also reminded myself that soon we'd have surgery and things should improve. When Acorn was a mere 10 days old, we drove an hour and a half to Charlotte to let the dentist shoot lasers in to his mouth. We weren't allowed in the room, but were allowed to stand outside the door and watch. Joe stayed, I hid in the bathroom and cried for the 2 minutes it took for them to do it. I nursed him immediately afterwards and it didn't hurt! Unfortunately, I developed a fever and was diagnosed with mastitis that afternoon. This snotty little medical student at my doctor's office (who had been at my birth - there's more story there that I'll tell with the birth story at some point) invited herself in while I waited for the nurse practitioner to see me and proceeded to tell me about abscesses that can form from mastitis and strongly hinted that I should switch to formula. I told her that I didn't think 10 days was giving breastfeeding a fair shot in a way that left no more room for discussion. I don't judge any one for their feeding choices, but dammit, this is mine. Let me give it a fair shot.

Things have gotten better in that department. I'm still sore, but now it's because he pulls off without breaking suction. We're working on that, because OUCH!

Joe wasn't able to take his full leave that we had planned on, which was a massive bummer for both of us. The week and a half he was home was wonderful though. For the first week, he tried very hard not to let me get out of bed and wouldn't let me clean or do anything except nurse Acorn, sleep, eat, shower, or take Luna out in the yard. That was the compromise to keep me from going completely stir crazy - I've never been much of a sitter or layer, so that took a good bit of adjustment for me. He made me fresh ground Jamaican coffee and breakfast every morning, ran the errands that needed to happen, called the doctors and made appointments, fed the zoo and spent as much time cuddled up with us as he could. After I made a print of my placenta (oh yea, I brought it home and made art with it), my ridiculously amazing husband boiled, dehydrated, ground and encapsulated it for me. At one point, I was having a baby blues crying jag and he looked up at me while filling up capsules and said "You know I love you right? Because I wouldn't be playing in placenta dust for just anyone." Ha ha. Really, I loved every minute of our family time and wouldn't have made it through those first 10 days with my sanity in tact without him.

When he first went back to work, I was really overwhelmed by how very much time I suddenly didn't have and how very hard it was to perform every day tasks with a newborn who nursed every 2 hours for 40 minutes, hated being in his swing, decided napping was something other kids did and was only happy being held. Being as how I've never held a newborn before I was handed my own, I wasn't very comfortable holding him in one hand while I did anything. Truth be told, I wasn't super comfortable holding him - period. He was so little and floppy! As the weeks have passed though, I've gotten my sea legs under me a bit better and am significantly less overwhelmed. We still have some bad days with no naps, lots of fussiness and nursing around the clock (damn you, growth spurts!) but most of them don't bother me as much since I've realized and accepted that things just aren't going to get done the way they used to for a while and that's OK because Acorn will only be this little and need me this much for a little while. And, he'll never be this little or need me this much ever again. Right now, I'm his everything; his source of food, drink, comfort, protection and love. I'm all he knew for 9 months and he's still transitioning to life in this great big world outside of me.

And that's what's important right now. That's what's keeping me going through pain, sleep deprivation, nap free days, screaming fits and all the other bad shit no one really likes to talk about. The knowledge that his tiny little head is only going to seek the comfort of my shoulder for so long, that he will only fit on my chest for a little while longer (he's already over 10 lbs - he's gained 3+ lbs since birth), that he will only nurse for a small portion of his long life and that before I know it, he'll be an independent, somewhat self sufficient little person and we can never, ever come back to these moments... and I'm soaking them all up. Even the ones like last night, when he finished nursing at 4am and decided he wanted to be awake, to gently kick and punch the air and coo at me and the ceiling fan for an hour. I was cranky this morning, because I'm always cranky when I haven't slept well, but at 4am, I was smiling at my mighty hunter as his little legs hit my hip and his little fingers grabbed mine.

It's all about perspective. And while I still stumble and fall and have bad days or moments, he is slowly, but surely changing mine just as surely as he's changed my life.

The Mighty Hunter

Today is my due date, but our son decided he was ready to join the world last week.

Acorn was born July 17, 2014 at 2:41 pm, after 88 hours of labor - 26 of which were active, almost all of which was in my back. He was delivered naturally without medication, with the cord around his neck twice and was caught by daddy, to thunderous applause from a room full of medical students who had never seen a natural birth while Day-O played on Pandora. Future Beetlejuice fan? ;-)

He weighed 7.9 lbs, 19.75 inches and is ready to rock this life thing. Thank you to our rock star doulas for being by our sides the whole time and helping us know everything was and would be ok. It's amazing how cracking jokes and talking about songs stuck in your head can make something intense seem less so.

This first week (tomorrow) has been one of the hardest yet most rewarding of my life.

Welcome Earthside, baby boy!

Needless to say, posting will be a bit light for a bit. :)

Chico and the Vet

This has been a very long week for me, as my Chico (that adorable cat face above) has been at the vet's office since early Wednesday afternoon. Out of nowhere he began walking around the house meowing, not unusual for him as he's a very vocal kitty. But then the meows became howls and I noticed him squatting around the house. Needless to say, I called the vet as I scooped him in to the carrier and prepared to get in the car.

Chico's had some health issues of the urinary tract infection type before, so I thought it was probably that again and prepared to have his usual pee sample and antibiotics. But when the vet touched his abdomen, my usual belly rub loving cat hissed and clawed at him as the vet pronounced he was full of feces. I scratched my head as they took him off to be x-rayed, thinking he had just eaten so that was probably why he was so full.

But when the x-rays came back, I was horrified to see that my poor kitty's colon was stretched in to an unearthly shape and his 2.5 pounds of weight gain was not the good kind. The vet discussed our options for clearing him out but also warned me that while this could be a one time thing where he had a blockage someplace, it could cause permanent damage or be a recurring issue. In either event, the first course of action would be a dietary change and medications and the second, last ditch effort, would be a surgery to reconstruct his digestive system. Which, my non-bullshit vet told me, is an awful procedure for both him and the patient and is something that may not work in the long run anyway, leading to future discomfort and prolonging the inevitable.

Needless to say as I left the office that day with my empty cat carrier, I was upset. And have been upset since. I've been wondering what will happen to him, but also noting the behaviors of Luna and our other kitty, Mister Molly. Luna has been moping and Molly has been extra needy in between bouts of wandering around the house calling for Chico while opening closet doors and looking under beds... as if he were hiding.

After several conversations with the vet the past few days, today he said things looked optimistic and that I could bring Chico home for the weekend to be started on a new diet and monitored for sufficient potty breaks. However, if he isn't eating or doing his business properly, he has to go back to the doctors on Monday and we'll need to go from there.

We've all got our fingers, toes and furry tails crossed that he'll be just fine over the weekend and that this will be a one time thing caused by stress, eating something he shouldn't have or dehydration. Any other crossed fingers, toes and tails are greatly appreciated.

xox