The last sunrise of 2012.
2012 was an odd year, throughout which I lost and found myself several times. Bits of my personality were washed away in the monsoon of irrelevant daily bullshit and found again months later poking out of the mud. There were revelations and big leaps towards healing myself and making peace with my past. There was a weeding out of folks and ideas that were bringing me down, a successful attempt to rid myself of some pervasive negativity. There were runs and adventures, new friends, lots of love and the addition of the ever difficult Luna bear to our family. Seriously, she's a mess. But I still love her.
Spiritually, deities shifted and I found myself not only deeply connected to the Green lord and lady but reconnected with the god of my youth, Hermes. The lady of keys and crossroads also found me. There was some weeding out here as well, plucking out practices and ideals that no longer serve me or my path. There was a lot of growth at the start of the year, learning about other traditions and getting in touch with that deep seeded intuition I'd lost contact with years ago. As it went on though, ritual fell by the wayside, again in the flood of the things I 'needed' to do, but I am finding my way back to it - even if only in the simplest of tasks. My path is long and winding and I'm bound to stumble upon the way - what's important is that I keep walking anyway.
I'm carving out space in my day for the things that feed my spirit, my soul - the things that make me 'Me' and not just the things that I have to do like work, clean up and sleep. But I'm not going to lie, it's been hard going on me to do so. Like I'm doing something wrong, something selfish, by demanding an hour or two a day from the Universe for writing, reading, art and spirituality. No one makes me feel this way, Joe and Luna and the Kitty boys all go do their own thing and seem to be happy that I'm doing this because it makes me happy. While I can't exactly pinpoint where this irrational guilt comes from, I have a few suspicions as to why it's lodged in my head. Hopefully, I can figure it out and pluck it very soon.
There are some things in this life we cannot change, but there are others that we can. 2013 is a year in which I am going to boldly embrace making the changes that I can in order to live the life I (and my wee family) deserve to live. One where I'm not a raging, depressed bitch for half a year at a time. And I'm going to do this by embracing my one little word for 2013:
[breyv] adjective, brav·er, brav·est, noun, verb, braved, brav·ing.
1. possessing or exhibiting courage or courageous endurance.
2. making a fine appearance.
3. Archaic. excellent; fine; admirable.
4. a brave person.
5. a warrior, especially among North American Indian tribes.
7. to meet or face courageously: to brave misfortunes.
8. to defy; challenge; dare.
9. Obsolete . to make splendid.
I particularly like the obsolete definition of 'to make splendid', because that is exactly what I hope embracing this word will do.
This year, I'm going to fight the knee-jerk reaction to say 'no' to things I've never done, that worry me without good reason or that I'm just being a grump about. I'm going to boldly face down the past, this ridiculous guilt and my depression and give them all the finger. I'm going to suck it up and get my ass back to being healthy. I'm going to give up sleep and hours at work to do the things that make my soul glow. I'm going to knock on doors, call and leave messages and take whatever classes I need to in order to get my wee art studio up and running so I can do my heart's work instead of just trudging to a job every day.
When faced with something challenging, something negative, something ugly and scary - I'm not going to cower and cry. I'm going to step up, look it in the face and attempt to spin it in a positive light. I'm going to embrace myself, be kind to and love myself - really and truly, for the first time since girlhood. I'm going to run - wild and free - wherever my soul pulls me and embrace all the quirks that make me so deliciously me. I'm going to embrace this life, my life, and appreciate all the wonderful, beautiful things that it contains and not let the bad stuff control or poison it anymore.
And I know it can happen because 13 is ,afterall, my lucky number.
P.S. In an attempt to kickstart my goals, to help embrace bravery in the best way I know how, I'll be taking DEEP with Dirty Footprints Studio again starting in February. For personal reasons, Connie had to close up shop early at the beginning of December on our last session but will be hosting the entire things, with new content, to our circle again soon. She's a golden light in a sometimes dark world, a real inspiration to me.
P.P.S. As my first Brave act of 2013, I finally took a deep breath and signed up for SouLodge with Pixie Campbell - something I've been daydreaming about forever. I'm looking so very forward to the lessons and growth in store for myself and the rest of the circle throughout the year.
P.P.P.S. Forgot to mention, not only is this a big year for me because it's a 13th year but I also leave my 20's... I turn 30 in February.
P.P.P.P.S. (I know, this is getting ridiculous) What sort of year-end wrap up would this be without a pictorial review? Some snaps from 2012, enjoy!
Fearless Painting - making art from my heart, trusting my intuition and doing it all for me.
The Color Run
4th Anniversary! *love*
New friends and old on Hallowe'en.
Luna (the bear) Petunia. This photo threw you for a loop, because it isn't square, didn't it? ;-)
D&D nights with friends.
Baby birds ALL OVER the backyard.
Getting to see whale sharks. Best birthday gift, ever.