Gratitude*Monday

I'm joining Taryn at Wooly Moss Roots and several other lovely bloggers in honoring the things for which we've been grateful for throughout the week. A quiet, weekly practice of appreciation and positivity. A time to breath and reflect.

If you would like to join us, just click the image at the bottom of this post.

This Week I am Grateful For:

* That I'm married to my best friend. That I'm lucky enough to have a husband that supports me in my dreams, decisions and goals. That we can laugh together, love together, be bummed out together. That he'll hold me when I cry over stupid things, brush my hair out of my face when I'm sick, rub my feet after a long day and gives me executive control over paint colors in the house. I don't think I say it enough, but I'm a lucky lady.

* New glasses. Now that my peepers have adjusted to the change in prescription, it's nice to be able to see clearly again. Due to my eye disease, my script has changed dramatically over the past 3 years - it's a bit ridiculous to me that I was O.K. with seeing as poorly as I did with the last glasses!

* Catching up on our favorite shows while cuddled up on the couch at night.

* Fat, buzzy bees!

* Purchasing a new turntable so we can listen to the new (to us) vinyls we've acquired as well as some old favorites. Our collection is growing and I adore it! It sounds cliche and it makes me seem like a music snob (which, I really sort of am) but there's so much depth to the sound of vinyl, so much soul in these albums. I pick up an old, pre-loved album and it's got history and a story to it. Also, I love that our local record store doesn't label them "used" but as "pre-loved".

* Eating the homemade pierogis my lovely made. Oh my gosh you guys, not only is he dreamy AND handy, he can cook! Gonna have to beat the ladies off with a stick now that they know!

* I hit a downward mood-swing due to moon-time hormones and was able to pull myself out of it more quickly than I've been able to do previously, with a minimal amount of tears. I'm grateful that I'm better able to recognize and take control of my feelings when I need to.

* Perfect relaxing afternoons in the hammock with dogface, my sketchbook and a cold beverage!

* Bird songs. Sparrows circling around us on our afternoon walks. The hawk wheeling low overhead while I'm in the hammock.

* Switching off on Sundays, unplugging from technology to spend some time together without digital distraction. The only exceptions to the rule are music and our phones/cameras but we can only use them as such. No piddling on games, email or the internet. Sundays have moved from a frustrating day where everything is closed (ugh!) to one of my favorite days of the week, regardless of the weather. Last night we listened to music on the new turntable, bullshitted and played darts. I have a secret; I used to suck at darts. I'm getting better, but I consider it dumb luck because when I try to aim I do terribly. When I just go ahead and throw, I do much better. Weird, right?

* Visiting with a friend from out of town who we haven't seen in nearly two years. Spending time showing off our little town as well as kicking back and catching up at the house.

* Mommy/Daughter pedicure day with Luna. Yes, I'm a little bit crazy. ;-) Also, random factoid: the only color I ever paint my toenails is electric blue.

* A fancy new batik bandana for my hair.

* Almost all of my baby plants seem to be going strong! The exceptions being broccoli, which bolted in the heat and the ghost pepper which for reason I can't figure out, has lost all but 1 leaf.

Hummingbird Magic

It's been a little while since I've checked in with how SouLodge is going and a while since I've taken to deep plunge in to my monthly soul workings with a new spirit guide. There have been lots of breakthroughs and so much growth throughout this process within myself that I honestly didn't expect to get from, what is essentially, a self-guided e-course.

I will admit, despite the fact that I've been in this course since January, I've been with our first spirit-guide Grandmother Bear since the get-go. She has kept me wrapped up in her warmth to do the really deep work a bit longer than I necessarily wanted her to, but I was gentle with her and with myself and trusted in the process. And trust is something that is hard for me to give out, most especially to myself. Yet I did so and I trusted that I was exactly where I needed to be and was receiving the necessary medicine. While I was sitting with Bear in her warm, herbal scented cave learning how to nourish and love myself, I was also circling with a group of amazing women on a Fearless Painting Adventure called DEEP.

During the course, we worked on one painting for 6 weeks, ruthlessly trusting (there's that word again.) our own intuitions to guide and grow the painting as we created it. We were asked to leave our preconceived notions and ideas at the door and commit to having a relationship with the painting. As I painted, there was a lot of rooting deep into the dirt of myself, using big bear claws and taking the necessary breaks to just be silent and to take care of myself - to keep myself from becoming too raw and overworked. I'd paint and sing. Paint and cry. Get stuck and lay on the floor just below the painting so I could look up at it upside down and wait for it to direct me. And as I worked both on the paper and with Bear, the layers of scar tissue that had built up from years of hurt, depression, loathing and fear, years of not enoughness and self hatred started to heal over. I exorcised inner demons and old memories with my paintbrush, though that was not my initial intention and doesn't really show in the bright colors and symbolism found on the paper. And after time, rays of light began to permeate the sacred space of my mind, "the cave" and I laughed, cried, danced and found a deep peace and a resurgence of self love and deep healing that I haven't felt since, well, I'm not even sure.

And as we came in to May, I felt extremely drawn to color. In a way that is bizarre for me; I craved rainbows and bright, happy, joyful tones. I swapped out the dishes in my kitchen (originally black and white and very formal) for rainbow colored, mismatched beauties. Out went a lot of black tshirts, in came some brightly colored ones. When I picked out new glasses the other day, I picked ones that were pink and tortoiseshell, not my usual thick black matte. They even have most of the lens rimless, you can see most of my face. It's like I'm no longer hiding myself behind something. And during that time, when I was smiling from ear to ear, absorbing the great cacophony of color and the warmth and sunshine of Spring, Bear let me go - telling me I was ready to continue on my SouLodge journey.

My mind initially tried to guilt me in to attempting to play catch up, to work through the months of Lodge I had missed. But, having worked with my guts for so long, in such an intimate healing manner, I knew I needed to let go of those expectations and jump, fearlessly and full of trust, in to May. And when I saw Hummingbird, everything clicked and I felt her magic immediately. All the bright colors and happy vibrations I've been experiencing made perfect sense with this flying rainbow buzzing around in my life. She visits my gardens sometimes and whenever I see her buzzing about, wings flapping faster than seems possible, I get the biggest cheesiest grin on my face. We're old friends and having her fly in to my Lodge work for this month is like a joyful laugh escaping the lips when you least expect it to.

I look forward to working with her as a guide, allowing clear out the spaces in my center and heart. I welcome her vitality and energy and invite it to work its magic on me.

Gratitude*Monday

Now that I've begun my annual routine of switching off and avoiding computer/television on Sundays during the warmer months, it's a little harder for me to get my posts up on Sunday. Either I have to take the time to schedule it on Saturdays or just write them on Monday. I'm not one for planning, so they'll appear when they appear; and being as how I now officially know what a "case of the Mondays" feels like, they could certainly stand to be brightened up! Before I make my list this week, I want to talk a little bit about what these posting have done for me. And yes, it is a little bit sappy. Deal with it. ;-)

Since finding Taryn's little weekly ritual, I've noticed a real shift in my perspectives. Which sounds cheesy and a bit cliche, in fact a few years ago my younger Gothier self would have mocked me for doing this, but it is nonetheless true. Perhaps this is a sign of aging, of growing up and maturing, but personally I like to think it's a sign that I'm finally falling comfortably in to my own life and getting the hang of self-love and simple, wild hearted living: something I've aspired to for quite a while. There are avenues of thinking and feeling opening within me that I haven't felt in over a decade, light chasing the darkness away and sweeping out the cobwebs. A sense of contentedness and a reconnection with nature and myself, a knowledge that even though sometimes things suck, my life is beautiful and amazing and I am so very, very blessed.

I've even been doing an ok job of keeping up with my (sort of) daily practice of writing down the things for which I am grateful before bed in my little journal with the bee on the cover. As someone who is terrible at sticking to a routine, even if I log just one item a day or several items twice in one week, I'll take it, I won't beat myself up and I'll revel in the goodness in my life. It's helping me let go of so many bad things, so many painful memories and twitchiness and I couldn't be any more shocked and pleased with this process.

That said,

This Week I am Grateful For:

* Being brave and stepping outside of my comfort zone despite my best efforts to weasel out of things, run for the hills and hide in my little comfort cave. Joe and several of our friends have invited me out to the range to shoot with them a few times, but having never shot a firearm before I was terrified and nervous and always turned them down. So, for Christmas, they gifted me with a lesson with a man who is incredibly patient and very good with teaching people who are nervous. I finally took my lesson on Monday, and I tried to weasel out of it the entire drive to the range, but Joe saw through my none-too-clever ruse and helped me walk in the door. Once I had met with the fellow for the lesson and fired off a round or two (and doing very well!), I found I was a lot more comfortable with the experience than I anticipated. Both hubster and my teacher were impressed with my shooting, my only marks outside the 8 ring happening at the very end when I was tired from the anxiety and weight of the firearm and wasn't focusing as well on my breathing. I don't know that it will be a new favorite hobby, but knowledge and comfort are power and I'll take them!

* Greeting the sun in the mornings as it crests over the trees in the yard.

* Flavoring water with fresh lime and mint. OMG, I have been guzzling this like it's my job! So good.

* Being able to go home from work early to celebrate Joe's birthday with him. We feasted on Indian Food, hung out in our beautiful yard, relaxed and just enjoyed the day. Having him love the gift I was brave enough to have done and then needed to be brave enough to actually give him - professional boudoir shots. As someone who has never had stellar self esteem and numerous body issues this was a huge deal for me to go ahead and do this. Much like the shooting lesson, my fear gremlin tried to have me weasel out of it right up until I got to the photographers place. Once I'd rang her doorbell however, there was no turning back. Even more grateful that he not only loved them, but acknowledged how hard it must have been for me to go through with doing it at all.

The birthday boy on the phone with his nieces, while giving me and my sparklers incredulous looks!

* Going downtown to Artisphere with some of my lady friends Friday evening to check out all of the art and performers. We stopped at the local distillery to sip on some Moonshine, then ate dessert before dinner and we all ended up coming home with at least one piece of art. There was a lot of laughing, some bannister riding, some dancing in our chairs at a Mexican restaurant and a ton of pictures taken.

* Love. Lovin'. Being loved.

* Hubster making me a decadently delicious cheeseburger for lunch while I was taking a break from yard work. Nothing says love quite like a grilled burger with feta, lettuce and a handmade balsamic & honey glaze. Yum!

* Evenings cuddled up on the couch, falling asleep on my love with the fur babies curled up against me.

* Making time for the things that nourish my soul: getting outside, making art and working through SouLodge.

* Evening walks with Luna.

* Great finds at the Farmers Market. We tasted our way through quite a few cheeses and salsas and ended up picking up all of these scrummy local goodies - all for under $35!

* Pretty flowers and the smell of freshly bloomed roses covered in warm rain.

* New plants in the garden! Getting most of my weeding and pruning done, getting the new babies in the ground. Having things look and feel amazing.

* Warm showers and basic yoga stretches to soothe sore muscles.

* My handy husband fixing a rotten spot in the soffet without having to replace the whole board and gutter on the front and side of the house. Love being married to such a handy man!

* Scoring a new-to-us ride on mower that actually runs and does a great job cutting the grass for $150! This might not sound terribly exciting, but Joe's been cutting our acre+ with a push mower for the past two years. While the exercise is great, finding 2 hours at a time to cut the lawn can be a bit bothersome at times.

* Sucking it up and calling my mom after several months of not doing so because I'm stubborn as all get out. Actually having a very pleasant and lengthy conversation after the initial awkward "hey, what's up, it's been a while" phase.

* Blue skies, ridiculously perfect clouds. Just soaking up Spring time.

To join in Gratitude Sunday, click on the image below! Happy Week, lovelies.

Beltane, Birthdays and Breathing

How in the blazes did it get to be the 9th already? Where has this month gone? I suppose it's been sucked up by all the things we've been up to lately.

My Beltane wasn't all that I had planned, since it turned rainy, cold and windy before I made it home from work. But I made the most of it all the same, with food and drink and offerings at the altar. With laughter, love and candle fire. I burned away things I wished to be rid of and sent my wishes skyward on smoke and ash, just on a smaller scale than the bonfire I had hoped for.

Joe's birthday came on Ocho de Mayo but we celebrated on the 4th, after a visit to our local comic book shop for Free Comic Book Day.

May the Fourth be with you!


Snippets from the party. The rain refused to let up all week and so our luau/fiesta was forced inside and under umbrellas.


The birthday boy and I on his actual birthday.

I finally had a few moments to take a breath this afternoon and sit down with my animal guide in SouLodge for the month of May, Hummingbird. I'll be honest, while the Lodge and the tribe has worked with the medicines of several different animal guides and done various exercises in the North and East quadrants of the Medicine Wheel, I've stayed wrapped up with Grandmother Bear this whole time. I also worked with Buffalo a little bit, but Bear was where I felt I needed to stay for a while. To do the deep work. And I trusted her to let me go when the time was right, I trusted myself and my intuition to lead me down this path in the manner which best suits me. And this month, before I even opened the prompt, I've seen a few beautiful hummingbirds in my yard and felt the tug of energy, of vitality. Like Spring had blown her warm breath deep into my center and warmed and awoken me from the inside out. And Bear let me go, to awaken and soar with hummingbird; to be reborn and to do the energetic healing that comes after the deepest wounds have been faced and the hardest inner battles won.

This connection with the flying rainbow may very well explain my recent draw towards all things intensely vibrant and colorful lately. We'll see. I bet most of you had even forgotten I was doing SouLodge, since it's been ages since I've posted about it. But, if the only lessons I take from this year long journey are to ruthlessly trust myself and my feelings and to know that I am exactly where I need to be (especially in regards to being attuned with the seasons) then that is more than enough. Anything else is a blessed bonus.

Merry May Day

Now the bright morning star, day's harbinger,
Comes dancing from the east and leads with her The flowery May,
who from her green lap throws The yellow cowslip, and the pale primrose.
Hail, bounteous May, that doth inspire Mirth, and youth, and warm desire;
Woods and groves are of thy dressing, Hill and dale doth boast thy blessing,
Thus we salute thee with our early song,
And welcome thee, and wish thee long.

John Milton Quotes , Source: Song--On May Morning

Merry May Day and Blessed Beltane!

Sun and Earth are reunited and Spring is very much in the air. The scent of warm earth wafts by on cool spring breezes, the greenery is lush and vibrant nearly to bursting. Baby animals are emerging from their holes and nests, wobbly on newly discovered legs and wings.

My smile has been nearly constant, which is usually the case at this time of year. Something in the energies gets in to me and I'm nearly on fire, unfurling like a fern and coming out of my long Winter's hibernation completely. My head is clearing and I'm starting to spend less time there, preferring to get in to my body more and more; taking the time to really feel everything and relishing the sensations. Eating lighter meals, drinking lighter drinks. Getting on my hands and knees in the dirt, walking the paths and roadways in the early morning light and last rays of evening sun. Working the aches and pains out of my joints and letting my hair hang loose. (It's funny, because I wear my hair up almost all Winter and let it down in the Summer.)

For the first time since moving down South, Spring has unfurled slowly and luxuriously, taking her time warming up and reaching her climax rather than rushing to get it over with as quickly as possible. The days have been warm and the nights chilly, my roses have only just bloomed (usually they're out before my birthday - if they died back at all.) and the leaves of the trees didn't burst over night. It's the Spring of my youth and my growing years, the one that lasts and lets me savor it and drink it in.

And that's what I plan to do today, as much as possible. To revel in the warm Spring sun kissing my face, watching the clouds as the birds and the bees sing their sweet songs. And once the light has dwindled, to drink vodka I infused with fruits myself, share a glass of wine or three with the fae, make my offering and toast to the Gods and this beautiful, full life of mine. That which no longer serves me will be purged from my life by fire and my wishes for fertility of all kinds will be whisked to the Heavens on sparks and ash.

And while doing those, I'm going to take the time to reflect on and appreciate the love that I have for myself and for others as well as the love that I receive. When I began walking this path nearly a decade ago, hell even 5 years ago, I would never have expected to be where I am now in the love department; especially when it comes loving myself. It's something to celebrate and there's no better day I can think of to do so than this, with it being a festival of love and all.

May your May Day be blessed and full of love; for yourself and for others. May what you sow today come to bountiful fruition in Autumn and May you be blessed with whichever form of Fertility you desire most in your life.

Gratitude*Sunday

I'm joining Taryn at Wooly Moss Roots and several other lovely bloggers in honoring the things for which we've been grateful for throughout the week.

If you would like to join us, just click the image at the bottom of this post.

This Week I am Grateful For:

* The beautiful weather throughout most of the week and the rain my baby plants so desperately were craving at the end.

* Walks downtown, hand in hand with my husband.

* Getting up the courage to really look inside myself, look at my past and begin to take the steps I need to in order to reclaim this life of mine.

* Hearing what I needed to hear, when I needed to hear it most, from a wonderful inspiration and friend. Thank you, Connie, for once more putting yourself and your emotions out there and touching my heart. You can read the post that touched me so very much here.

* Getting my garden started, even if it was a bit later than I'd like and with baby plants instead of seeds.

* Time with friends. Lots of great laughs, some venting, some catching up and so much love.

* Taking a step back and realizing that this life, my life, is wonderful and beautiful exactly as it is. Knowing that so long as I love and am loved, so long as I follow my heart and intuition every little thing is going to be alright.

* Urgent care centers being open late enough that when dinner gives me heartburn and reflux so badly I can't breath for over an hour, I can get some help. That was really pretty scary.

* Nods from the Universe. Full Moon Magic.

* The first official roses of the year. They bloomed later than usual this year, normally they're out by my birthday. This just makes them extra special, being discovered on a rainy day.

* My guy bringing me home my all time favorite bad tummy comfort food. Chicken and stars. From a can! Don't judge me.

* Getting rid of all the old black and bleak dinnerware in the kitchen and replacing it with a hodge podge of brightly colored stuff. Noting that my tastes have changed dramatically over the last decade and honestly enjoying it.

* Hot coffee and a cuddly sweatshirt on a chilly day.

* My amazing bed my awesome ass husband built for me. Yes, I got the idea from Pinterest (aka the devil) but that he went to work on it so quickly and made it exactly the way I wanted it, makes me feel so very loved. It's perfect. And yes, he built the entire bed frame. Not just the headboard.

Before I prettified it further...

After.

* Having the courage to post up videos on my art blog, Heartroot Studio to answer some FAQs and help explain my process a little bit. I almost didn't go through with it, because hearing myself speak is weird and I'm horrendously self conscious at the best of times but I posted them up anyway. Go check them out if you're curious about my art. :)

To join in Gratitude Sunday, click on the image below! Happy Sunday, lovelies.

On Family and Fear

This blog's become a bit of a clusterfuck of emotions of late. This is another brain dump on the road to healing. Unedited, aside from adding this wee disclaimer at the top.

The concept of family, as in blood, is vague and damn near alien to me. And now that I'm getting older and getting to a point in my life where I'm having big thinks and wanting that connection to fall back on, it's really, really bothering me.

Growing up, I had no real relationship with any of my extended family save an aunt or two and my maternal grandmother (sort of). As in, we're friendly, but we aren't close. When we see each other we can have a laugh and catch up, but when I think about grandmothers in the comforting, matronly, crone sense... that's not my Nan. I love her, but if I need comfort or wisdom I'm on my own. My father's father passed away long before I was born, his mother lived 1200+ miles away in the remote reaches of Florida with her daughter and my cousin (who was my other aunt's daughter. Confusing much?). And sadly, after my parents divorced, just the sound of my voice on the phone would drive Grandma in to fits and she'd tell me I sound just like "that whore mother of mine." or ask things like "get yourself knocked up like the tramp you are yet?" Needless to say, our relationship ended pretty quickly. When she passed one, I mourned the thought of what could have been and what was when I was younger, not the woman in later years.

My mother's father lived nearby, but for reasons that I'm still not clear on, they didn't speak and if they were at an event together (I.E. a wedding) my mother would be so angry and uncomfortable the whole time and heaven forbid the man spoke to her; she'd lose her shit and storm out, my tiny hand being crunched as I was dragged out behind her. For some reason growing up, I was the only child that ever got dragged to boring family events. And yes, as a kid weddings were pretty darn boring until the dancing started. Needless to say, I had no relationship with him, either. And my opinion of him was horribly skewed by the fact that every time I saw him, my mother would end up crying uncontrollably. And in fact, I don't think he ever even knew mine or my siblings names right up until the day he died simply asking me at family gatherings when I'd bump in to him 'You're Naomi's daughter, right?' And even after he passed and the whole family got together to remember him (at my mom's house, of all places!) I still couldn't tell you anything about him, aside from his name. And I don't want to ask my mom, because she's been sort of haunted whenever his name comes up. My understanding of things at this point is that the years of sadness and not speaking were over something that was, in retrospect, trivial and that she regrets those lost years. A valuable lesson that I'm pulling out of my squirrel brain right now and waving at myself like a giant damn flag.

Because, I haven't spoken to my mother since January. My reasoning is simple, but in effect trivial, just like her and my grandfather. Every time I call her and get her on the phone, she sounds distracted or has company or gripes about my sister/father/family. And she never calls me, I'm always the one picking up the phone which for me is huge. Because I'm shy (yes, even with my own family), I'm an introvert and I hate talking on the phone. HATE IT. I don't even like talking on the phone with the hubster when he's away on business trips, but I do it because the need for closeness outweighs my weirdo brain malfunctions. So, each year on my birthday I give myself the gift of not turning my phone on. Yes, I miss every birthday message, call and text but I get to have a joyous uninterrupted day and the next morning I get to listen to all these amazing voice mails from people who love me which effectively extends my birthday by a day. Every single year there's a great voice mail from my mom so I couldn't wait to get the one for my 30th! I turned my phone on and... no voice mail. So I waited, thinking the phone may be downloading things. Nope. Finally, a beep and a single text message that just says, "Your sister, Pete (my stepdad), Nan and I wish you a happy birthday." That's it. I looked at Joe and he looked at me and all he said was "uh-oh" as I lost it. My dad, the king of forgetting birthdays, had called and left me a message. Joe's mom and sister had called and left me a message. And all my mother could send her first born was a lousy text message.

I hate technology sometimes. But I digress.

My relationship with my parents has been, rocky, at best. Growing up, I remember a time when we were happy but I remember a lot more times when we weren't. I don't recall feeling as loved or nurtured as other people seem to. I remember feeling like a pain in the ass a lot, feeling very small and apologizing a lot for all sorts of things. (I still apologize a lot.) We don't have photos with all of us smiling and cheesing it up. I remember my parents working opposite shifts and not being in the same place often or for long and that when they were in the same place for too long, they always argued. Because of this, we never went on family vacations, rarely went on outings and my parents, as far as I can recall, were always cranky and tired. But even so, I loved them with all of my teeny tiny heart and there were good things too; helping my parents out in the huge vegetable garden we grew every year, helping mom take care of the flower beds, going fishing with my dad, singing along to shitty 80's pop and eating Wendy's Frostys while mom commuted to work with me in tow, laying on dad's big old belly while he read me stories. But, most of those memories get buried deep by all the painful stuff; the fighting, the refereeing their divorce, watching them both cry, the constantly needing to be quiet lest I annoy one of them, their working all of the damn time and us never really getting to spend time together, the under-handed insults slung back and forth. The destruction of Christmas and eventual affair. Those were the things that happened more often and those are the things that have really stuck with and shaped me in to the person I currently am.

The one who looks at families who love and support each other like they're an exhibit at the circus. The one who lets her shyness and terror of being judged and found not good enough ride on her back and keep her from opening up and possibly being a part of one of those families. The one who's afraid to take a chance and let people in to her heart, to pick up the phone and call or email or write. The one who doesn't add family members on Facebook because she's terrified of what they'll say because, dammit, she's tired of being hurt. The one who, even right now, is wondering if it's too late to try to cultivate the familial relationships she's wanting and needing.

The one who hopes that it isn't and hopes that people will understand and forgive her for being such a shy, quiet, guarded girl. We can only move forward, which is the brave path that brings us home to heal, to grow.

My full moon wish this month is for the courage to put my feet on the path and the conviction to push past my fears and hurts. So may it be.