This one gets real heavy. Fair warning.
The talk about the Noble Path of women being to hold space in this world and the subsequent painting unlocked something deep for me. The painting and reactionary journaling took me less than 45 minutes, but they were intensely emotional minutes as both the painting and words were more or less torn from me. I'll share what I wrote along with the painting, it's sort of stream of consciousness and very emotional.
The Noble Path - This piece tore out of me with such speed, lucidity and emotion, the idea of holding space within us being the Noble Path struck such a deep chord in me. That the womb isn't JUST to make life & isn't the only thing that this function isn't the only thing that defines us as women... but rather that it sits empty inside of us as a reminder of our calling as sacred space holders - to hold sacred, safe, nourishing space for ourselves and others.
Such a strong message for me, who always felt contention, anger and shame towards my womb. Me, the one with debilitating cramps, cysts and endometriosis - who hardened her heart and turned emotions to stone over the thought of reproducing... who was told numerous times my issues probably wouldn't allow for it to happen. I who made myself poisoned against having a child, who poisoned herself against her traitorous body - useless fucking painful organs! Tired of pain, wishing only to never suffer from the emotional pain of disappointment after so much physical duress.
I felt less than feminine, less than woman. Worthless. Why even try? Why put myself out there? Why set myself up to be the fallguy for further fucking pain? It took so long to trust, to break that wall down stone - by -stone. No one understood really, because I didn't share my shame... burying it under anger and lashing out whenever people querried when I might have a child. Fuck you. Just fuck you. But I did it, and I tried and I was the lucky one... I was SO GODS DAMNED LUCKY. Because, after that pain, that path of ruthless tearing down to claw back to trust, I'm blessed to have something growing inside of that womb of mine.
But that's not the end of this path, not the end of the healing of my feminine & womb energies... but that trust, that willpower to stand back up knowing I could get knocked down... that's a step. This child is a step. A step to being kinder to myself, to my body. To letting go of that shame and anger... that feeling somehow, like the pain - these issues aren't a ludicrous hateful curse.
This painting holds this space for that healing process- for coming to terms with that shame, that pain, the conditions the shock and awe I feel at having a spirit inside of me. The utter terror I sometimes have at that feeling; that I'll wake up and it will all have been a horrible cruel dream. The amazement that there's someone growing in that space I was told would most likely always remain empty... in that sacred, empty space inside each of us.