Friday, January 31, 2014

Painting the Feminine - The Noble Path



This one gets real heavy. Fair warning.

The talk about the Noble Path of women being to hold space in this world and the subsequent painting unlocked something deep for me. The painting and reactionary journaling took me less than 45 minutes, but they were intensely emotional minutes as both the painting and words were more or less torn from me. I'll share what I wrote along with the painting, it's sort of stream of consciousness and very emotional.

The Noble Path - This piece tore out of me with such speed, lucidity and emotion, the idea of holding space within us being the Noble Path struck such a deep chord in me. That the womb isn't JUST to make life & isn't the only thing that this function isn't the only thing that defines us as women... but rather that it sits empty inside of us as a reminder of our calling as sacred space holders - to hold sacred, safe, nourishing space for ourselves and others.

Such a strong message for me, who always felt contention, anger and shame towards my womb. Me, the one with debilitating cramps, cysts and endometriosis - who hardened her heart and turned emotions to stone over the thought of reproducing... who was told numerous times my issues probably wouldn't allow for it to happen. I who made myself poisoned against having a child, who poisoned herself against her traitorous body - useless fucking painful organs! Tired of pain, wishing only to never suffer from the emotional pain of disappointment after so much physical duress.

I felt less than feminine, less than woman. Worthless. Why even try? Why put myself out there? Why set myself up to be the fallguy for further fucking pain? It took so long to trust, to break that wall down stone - by -stone. No one understood really, because I didn't share my shame... burying it under anger and lashing out whenever people querried when I might have a child. Fuck you. Just fuck you. But I did it, and I tried and I was the lucky one... I was SO GODS DAMNED LUCKY. Because, after that pain, that path of ruthless tearing down to claw back to trust, I'm blessed to have something growing inside of that womb of mine.

But that's not the end of this path, not the end of the healing of my feminine & womb energies... but that trust, that willpower to stand back up knowing I could get knocked down... that's a step. This child is a step. A step to being kinder to myself, to my body. To letting go of that shame and anger... that feeling somehow, like the pain - these issues aren't a ludicrous hateful curse.

This painting holds this space for that healing process- for coming to terms with that shame, that pain, the conditions the shock and awe I feel at having a spirit inside of me. The utter terror I sometimes have at that feeling; that I'll wake up and it will all have been a horrible cruel dream. The amazement that there's someone growing in that space I was told would most likely always remain empty... in that sacred, empty space inside each of us.

12 comments:

  1. I love your art journaling … and the Medicine that it is for you. Blessings!

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  2. Wow. You put into words what so many still hold in their hearts and it made me cry, not for your pain, not for your anger which in and of themselves have a real texture of their own but for your growing joy and release. Sometimes young one, you take my breath away with the sweep of your words, your art, and your wisdom. Oma Linda

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  3. Sometimes the rawness and power in your writing or art or both makes my heart ache with the passion, the emotion of what you're saying. I feel like crying or raging or dancing or laughing along side you.

    And like La Loba and the Bone Woman that Clarrissa Pinkola Estes writes about in Women who Run with the Wolves, you take your bones and lay out the skeletons and sing the creation songs over them and re-create life again. <3 *hugs* XOXO

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    1. That, love, is one of the greatest compliments I've ever... and I mean EVER have received. Thank you for giving me such honors. xox

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  4. I have looked at this painting on my reader all week and it is so very powerful and magical. Women are too. This was a wonderful post, full of things that need to be said and need to be repeated often.

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    1. It's true; we need to say these things... to get them out in to the open not only for ourselves, but for other women as well. If we shine light in to these spaces, maybe we can release the shame and pain so many of us feel. Thank you. <3

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  5. As always, sister-friend, your words (and art) move me. My experience is different, but I've moved in a similar kind of dance with my womb. I've grown to feel motherhood in other ways (thank the gods for nieces,) but there is still peace to be made with that space in me where a child might have been .

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    1. I love you so much, dear Jen. And I know one day you'll find that peace. I still have healing to do as well, but we'll get there. xox

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  6. I can totally see your paintings on an almanac celebrating the Feminá at a New Age shop. Are you doing one for every month?

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    1. I painted one image every day for a month and am continuing to work with the feminine even though the "class" has officially ended. I have another week or so's worth to share but my scanner has been giving me a hard time. Hopefully I can share them soon!

      I'm glad you've enjoyed them and I love the idea of them being in an almanac! I was thinking when I have enough of them, I may turn them in to a set of oracle cards. :)

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