It's been a little while since I've checked in with how SouLodge is going and a while since I've taken to deep plunge in to my monthly soul workings with a new spirit guide. There have been lots of breakthroughs and so much growth throughout this process within myself that I honestly didn't expect to get from, what is essentially, a self-guided e-course.
I will admit, despite the fact that I've been in this course since January, I've been with our first spirit-guide Grandmother Bear since the get-go. She has kept me wrapped up in her warmth to do the really deep work a bit longer than I necessarily wanted her to, but I was gentle with her and with myself and trusted in the process. And trust is something that is hard for me to give out, most especially to myself. Yet I did so and I trusted that I was exactly where I needed to be and was receiving the necessary medicine. While I was sitting with Bear in her warm, herbal scented cave learning how to nourish and love myself, I was also circling with a group of amazing women on a Fearless Painting Adventure called DEEP.
During the course, we worked on one painting for 6 weeks, ruthlessly trusting (there's that word again.) our own intuitions to guide and grow the painting as we created it. We were asked to leave our preconceived notions and ideas at the door and commit to having a relationship with the painting. As I painted, there was a lot of rooting deep into the dirt of myself, using big bear claws and taking the necessary breaks to just be silent and to take care of myself - to keep myself from becoming too raw and overworked. I'd paint and sing. Paint and cry. Get stuck and lay on the floor just below the painting so I could look up at it upside down and wait for it to direct me. And as I worked both on the paper and with Bear, the layers of scar tissue that had built up from years of hurt, depression, loathing and fear, years of not enoughness and self hatred started to heal over. I exorcised inner demons and old memories with my paintbrush, though that was not my initial intention and doesn't really show in the bright colors and symbolism found on the paper. And after time, rays of light began to permeate the sacred space of my mind, "the cave" and I laughed, cried, danced and found a deep peace and a resurgence of self love and deep healing that I haven't felt since, well, I'm not even sure.
And as we came in to May, I felt extremely drawn to color. In a way that is bizarre for me; I craved rainbows and bright, happy, joyful tones. I swapped out the dishes in my kitchen (originally black and white and very formal) for rainbow colored, mismatched beauties. Out went a lot of black tshirts, in came some brightly colored ones. When I picked out new glasses the other day, I picked ones that were pink and tortoiseshell, not my usual thick black matte. They even have most of the lens rimless, you can see most of my face. It's like I'm no longer hiding myself behind something. And during that time, when I was smiling from ear to ear, absorbing the great cacophony of color and the warmth and sunshine of Spring, Bear let me go - telling me I was ready to continue on my SouLodge journey.
My mind initially tried to guilt me in to attempting to play catch up, to work through the months of Lodge I had missed. But, having worked with my guts for so long, in such an intimate healing manner, I knew I needed to let go of those expectations and jump, fearlessly and full of trust, in to May. And when I saw Hummingbird, everything clicked and I felt her magic immediately. All the bright colors and happy vibrations I've been experiencing made perfect sense with this flying rainbow buzzing around in my life. She visits my gardens sometimes and whenever I see her buzzing about, wings flapping faster than seems possible, I get the biggest cheesiest grin on my face. We're old friends and having her fly in to my Lodge work for this month is like a joyful laugh escaping the lips when you least expect it to.
I look forward to working with her as a guide, allowing clear out the spaces in my center and heart. I welcome her vitality and energy and invite it to work its magic on me.