Those of you who have read for a while or who know me well, know that depression is a part of my life. Lately it's been sort of an uphill climb for me, emotionally. Periods of depression or very strong emotional states mingle in with feelings of stuck, feelings of hopeless, feelings of inadequacy.
Anyone who lives with depression can tell you it lies to you, it tears you down and makes you worry about things that you would never worry about out in the daylight. Sometimes, it comes along with its good friend, the feeling of failure, and the two of them gang up on you until you've nearly convinced yourself that you suck at everything under the sun and moon and stars. Sometimes, just by voicing your feelings of lost, stuck and hopeless you'll drag others down with you, because they can't help you or think it's somehow their fault. This just make you feel worse.
Some days, you feel so overwhelmed that you don't want to get out of bed or off the couch. Sometimes, this lasts for weeks though I've been very, very lucky and haven't had many episodes longer than a week in my life. Often times, it's the little things that will set you off: an unexpected expense, the loss of a favorite random item, a creeping deadline for something small, a rant about the state of the food industry in the U.S., running out of your favorite coffee. And sometimes, because they have no idea what's going on in your head, people look at you while you have a full on melt down or switch off over these little things like you're completely bug fuck insane. But you're not.
That little thing is just a catalyst, not the be all end all of you as an emotional person. And so too, can those little things be the catalyst for a swing back to the bright side. And in these days of being very emotional and sometimes wondering which way is up, it's little things that I cling to and am so very, very thankful for. Things like a break in the heat, rainy mornings, a surprise watermelon in the garden, a good hug, my crazy fur babies (even if they pee on everything I love), laughing with the hubs, a quick note or email from a friend, a warm mug of coffee and a good book.
The other night, I sat with the Full Moon for a bit and the feeling came over me that I need some freshness, a clean start moving forward. She illuminated a lot of the negative energies that are bogging me down, mostly from other people and what I believe to be the cause of my current funk. This hasn't been one of those depressions that I learn from, that the Black Wolf brings me to in order to teach me something. It has been stagnant and pointless. And so, I'm going to take big strides to sweep those pesky energies out and walk out of this pointless, draining fog.
There are some things in my life I can't do much about: I need an income, so until I find another job (and I'm fussy) this one needs to do. I can't stop my family from being crazy, but I can practice shielding myself from their shitstorms (something I'm very, very bad at when I'm close to the people involved). I can't make a good number of the people I work with down here stop being intolerant jack wads, but I can let the hammer drop and unmask myself as a non-Christian. (I'm not in the broom closet, but as I feel it's unprofessional to discuss religion/politics at work I've never brought it up. Others clearly don't share my thoughts on professionalism.) Which might at least get them to keep their hate to themselves, even if it won't change their minds. I can't change the economy/society/the fuckery that is modern politics but I can distance myself from the vitriol.
But there are other things that I can change and so, I'm going to attempt to do so. The unfortunate and hard part in this will be letting people go - but I need to. I started yesterday on Facebook (I know, it sounds silly - but baby steps in to change) by paring down my friends list by nearly 100 people, keeping only family, close friends and people I've not given a proper chance yet because we've only just met. Some people were hurt by this, the majority didn't even notice. From there, I'll be evaluating how my offline relationships make me feel. If being around someone drains me, if the relationship is faltering and I've been clinging for dear life trying to save it, if there's no glow or warmth from being around them... I'm letting them go. Because it's the best thing I can do for both of us.
During all this, I'll be cleaning up my physical spaces too. Clearing out the closets, dusting up the altar spaces, re-doing to studio so it makes my heart sing again and pulling down the Hallowe'en decor. This funk has left me lacking a little in the spirit of the season, but I'm not about to let it win. This is the season that renews me, the season I wait for all year and I'm going to enjoy it, dammit.
If you made it through this stream of consciousness-esq ramble, you deserve a chocolate frog. <3
If you have any stories to share, thoughts on clearing up the crap energy or suggestions on shielding leave, I hope you'll share.