Tuesday, October 2, 2012

Cleaning up the Energies

Those of you who have read for a while or who know me well, know that depression is a part of my life. Lately it's been sort of an uphill climb for me, emotionally. Periods of depression or very strong emotional states mingle in with feelings of stuck, feelings of hopeless, feelings of inadequacy.

Anyone who lives with depression can tell you it lies to you, it tears you down and makes you worry about things that you would never worry about out in the daylight. Sometimes, it comes along with its good friend, the feeling of failure, and the two of them gang up on you until you've nearly convinced yourself that you suck at everything under the sun and moon and stars. Sometimes, just by voicing your feelings of lost, stuck and hopeless you'll drag others down with you, because they can't help you or think it's somehow their fault. This just make you feel worse.

Some days, you feel so overwhelmed that you don't want to get out of bed or off the couch. Sometimes, this lasts for weeks though I've been very, very lucky and haven't had many episodes longer than a week in my life. Often times, it's the little things that will set you off: an unexpected expense, the loss of a favorite random item, a creeping deadline for something small, a rant about the state of the food industry in the U.S., running out of your favorite coffee. And sometimes, because they have no idea what's going on in your head, people look at you while you have a full on melt down or switch off over these little things like you're completely bug fuck insane. But you're not.

That little thing is just a catalyst, not the be all end all of you as an emotional person. And so too, can those little things be the catalyst for a swing back to the bright side. And in these days of being very emotional and sometimes wondering which way is up, it's little things that I cling to and am so very, very thankful for. Things like a break in the heat, rainy mornings, a surprise watermelon in the garden, a good hug, my crazy fur babies (even if they pee on everything I love), laughing with the hubs, a quick note or email from a friend, a warm mug of coffee and a good book.

The other night, I sat with the Full Moon for a bit and the feeling came over me that I need some freshness, a clean start moving forward. She illuminated a lot of the negative energies that are bogging me down, mostly from other people and what I believe to be the cause of my current funk. This hasn't been one of those depressions that I learn from, that the Black Wolf brings me to in order to teach me something. It has been stagnant and pointless. And so, I'm going to take big strides to sweep those pesky energies out and walk out of this pointless, draining fog.

There are some things in my life I can't do much about: I need an income, so until I find another job (and I'm fussy) this one needs to do. I can't stop my family from being crazy, but I can practice shielding myself from their shitstorms (something I'm very, very bad at when I'm close to the people involved). I can't make a good number of the people I work with down here stop being intolerant jack wads, but I can let the hammer drop and unmask myself as a non-Christian. (I'm not in the broom closet, but as I feel it's unprofessional to discuss religion/politics at work I've never brought it up. Others clearly don't share my thoughts on professionalism.) Which might at least get them to keep their hate to themselves, even if it won't change their minds. I can't change the economy/society/the fuckery that is modern politics but I can distance myself from the vitriol.

But there are other things that I can change and so, I'm going to attempt to do so. The unfortunate and hard part in this will be letting people go - but I need to. I started yesterday on Facebook (I know, it sounds silly - but baby steps in to change) by paring down my friends list by nearly 100 people, keeping only family, close friends and people I've not given a proper chance yet because we've only just met. Some people were hurt by this, the majority didn't even notice. From there, I'll be evaluating how my offline relationships make me feel. If being around someone drains me, if the relationship is faltering and I've been clinging for dear life trying to save it, if there's no glow or warmth from being around them... I'm letting them go. Because it's the best thing I can do for both of us.

During all this, I'll be cleaning up my physical spaces too. Clearing out the closets, dusting up the altar spaces, re-doing to studio so it makes my heart sing again and pulling down the Hallowe'en decor. This funk has left me lacking a little in the spirit of the season, but I'm not about to let it win. This is the season that renews me, the season I wait for all year and I'm going to enjoy it, dammit.

If you made it through this stream of consciousness-esq ramble, you deserve a chocolate frog. <3

If you have any stories to share, thoughts on clearing up the crap energy or suggestions on shielding leave, I hope you'll share.

17 comments:

  1. You are as always so spot on in your desciption of so many of our "lives", not lived to the fullest because of damn dirty depression and it's crap friends. Were it not for certain folks in my cyber life, I would give up and give in. Were it not for my grands and Shel, I would not be here.
    You are on the right track as far as cleansing yourself and cleaning out the crapola. We (the cuckoos) began this process with a new purpose and it feels really good, really right. We still have miles to go (light years actually) but the doing is the rescue I think. Making strides is the reward. What is that "they" say, the victory is in the journey not the end?
    Cee sent me a protection rune and I am going to send it to you. I feel like it protects me from me (or at least the bugaboos that haunt my soul). Also lately dark moon water has been my rescue vehicle. I apply it before going into "situations" that I know will trigger my feelings that lead to depression.
    You're such a goodie. XOXO Oma Linda

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  2. Chocolate frogs...yum!

    Seriously, good for you for pruning out negative people from your life. I totally understand the kind of idiots you work with....I've lived in SC all my life, and my liberal-ness and anti-Christian status make me a weirdo. No discussing politics or religion at work for me either. Anyway, you are not alone. Don't forget it!

    Keep up the good fight :)

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  3. Glad you can let the words flow. There are many who emphathize with you, Danni, as we share many of the same difficulties. I have shed some folks throughout the last few years, and it does make a tremendous difference to let them go. Finding the right tools for you to shield and comfort will be a huge boost. And these tools change as the energies change. Trying to ignore the blowhards at work is a tricky task; coping skills are essential. When we learn and accept that it is not essential to our own spiritual health to take on every battle that presents itself, progress is made. Keep up the good work, and know that you are loved. Hugs and Hugs again!!

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  4. Hello Danni,

    Girl, I wish you lived near me because I would take you under my wing and try to help. From someone who has suffered from depression all her life I know exactly where you are.
    These are few things I have learned over time that have helped.
    First depression is a physical thing as well as an emotional thing. There are levels of hormones in the brain that regulate our stress levels. For some people when our levels go down instead of the body making what we need, it goes dormant or doesn't produce enough. It isn't something we can "Just snap out of." Even that phrase makes me grind my teeth.
    Seeking help and medication has been my life saver. I never fully understood how far down I was till the medicine began working and I began to know what "normal" was supposed to feel like.
    Family and friends- It took me longer that I care to admit to realize that my family was never going to change their attitudes nor their lack of love toward me. Coming from a very strict religious family and upbringing life consisted mostly of guilt, fear and the greed for more money. Those feelings of worthlessness led me into physical and emotional abusive relationships with men when I was younger.
    I had to emotionally divorce myself from my family. I realized I had control over myself only and how I let them effect me. Doing that was very hard and I had to let my inner child rant, rave and cry for a while. But it was so worth it.
    Identifying and getting rid of toxic friends is necessary. Just as getting rid of material things that carry negative feelings.
    My one last statement in this long e-mail of advice is about revealing your religious beliefs. Know in some situations that by revealing your beliefs you will be inviting and the target of a lot of disguised hate and negativity masquerading as concern for your soul. If you're feeling fragile you don't need to be dealing with that as well.

    Seems once again I've written a letter instead of a comment to you.
    Take care of yourself.

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  5. Sister of the darkness, you wrote a beautifully illuminating post. Everyone gets depressed but they don't have the black wolf slavering over them. Every day I have to pray and watch for signs of my depression gaining a hold on me. I totally agree with Linda's comments to you about cleansing and being able to voice what so many of us are going through. I'm envious that you write so beautifully about such a painful topic. You do everyone a big service esp. those of us who suffer from depression by writing the way you do. Know that you're not alone and maybe some day we'll talk or perhaps meet each other.

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  6. Never feel as if you can not ramble to us. We are here for you. The day I realized who I am was the day I began 'cleaning house' of negative people. Negative energy all around was destroying me, my marriage and the relationship with our daughter. My husband, though not a witch, accepts me for who I am because of where it has brought me - and us. I surround myself only with love, music and art. The rest is just garbage I don't need. My nephew tells me I'm 'too fucking happy' and my sister will begin to tell me something only to back up and say 'oh yeah, you don't deal with negativity - never mind'.

    I am who I am. You are who you are. All we can do is learn to surround ourselves with only energy and people who bring us true happiness. The rest we pray they find happiness as well.

    Many Blessings and Cyber hugs!
    ~Rain

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  7. Super big hugs! I don't know what is happening but my depression is so out of control and I have been purging and trying very hard to not be in the house on the computer as much and pursuing my cross stitching, knitting and crocheting lately. But as you said it can make our minds believe shit we normally wouldn't, I haven't designed my own cross stitch designs in over a year I open my program or sit with pencils and paper and..... Nothing
    I know it is the depression. I sat in the full moon light with all my crystals out I had my candles outside and I just felt so lonely when normally she inspires me. I just want to kick depression and all that goes with it in the fucking ass!!!
    You are an amazing artist Danni!
    Brightest Blessings hun!

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  8. i usually just lurk. there are many times i find myself nodding my head in agreement. this time after reading your post and the comments i find myself nodding so much i must resemble a bobble head.
    i connected so much with what each person posted.
    so much of the time depression and anxiety leaves me feeling isolated.
    in my 'head' i know what is going on... but still... the feelings depression and anxiety create pushes knowledge off the cliff.
    for the most part i work with all the tools we have learned help to a certain extent. the rest of the time i really feel as if i have totally lost it and i get pissed and sick of 'trying'.
    it does help knowing others understand.
    Blessings and (((HUGS))) to us all.

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  9. Dark, negative energies can cause a person to sink into an abyss that can seem almost impossible to climb out of. Ridding one's self of the leeches and the vampires that thrive on other's Life essence is a beginning down the path to self happiness. This includes family members as well as friends. A hard decision but one that I made recently. There were members of my immediate family that criticized everything that I did and seemed to literally suck the Life out a room. I have distanced myself from them and am much happier for it.
    I am still in the process of purging our 'stuff'. Over the years Hubby and I have become slaves to our stuff. And the process of getting rid of this excess has been very liberating. It has made us both feel much lighter of spirit.
    You are on the right track - Life is way too short to suffer in bad relationships and live with things we do not enjoy. Ultimately, We are responsible for own happiness.
    But I would caution you on speaking of religion in the workplace. It can open up a can of worms that you may not be emotionally prepared to deal with.
    Bravo, my friend for realizing what is going on and for exhibiting the bravado to change your Life for the better. {{hugs}}

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  10. I struggle with the same things. I have dealt with depression on and off for almost 15 years, been on meds for it for almost 12. Even with my meds, sometimes I find myself struggling and absorbing other people's negativity. What you said about shielding yourself better really struck a chord in me...I just said the exact same thing on my tumblr blog post this morning!! Best of luck and brightest blessings to you!

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  11. I love chocolate frogs and I love your honesty. I must agree 100% with everything you have said as a fellow depressive diva. And oh girl, it really does need done in small bits at a time. But when you look back over the years, isn't it wonderful on those good days that your eyes can clearly see how far you've come. So much better than the path of the blissful idiot, I say. I hope you have a wonderful week, my sweet friend. Warmest hugs, Mina

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  12. I am just going to say I know how you feel, I understand and I am sending you all the love in the world. <3

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  13. I love you for your honesty (and so much more.) I think it's important for people to see that even those of us that seem to be upbeat and loving life, struggle too. I don't call it depression, when it happens to me. I call it
    "the despair." It really is a terrible sense of pointlessness/hopelessness. I'm one of the fortunate ones that can nap, eat chocolate, medicate with herbal infusions and sit on my BFF's couch watching tv for a few days and usually come out of it. Some of my other friends are not so lucky - meds are a way of life for them.

    Do you read "The Bloggess?" Her battle with depression is fodder for her blog and she is really inspiring. I love how she just tells it like it is.

    Cleansing is good. In every way you mentioned. You do what you have to do to keep things light and manageable. I'm proud of you. You are awesome!

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  14. Hello, Dear! I've come to your lovely blog from Vanessa's Halloween Party blog roll...so nice to meet you!
    I'm now following you, as well ~ ♥
    Hugs,
    Anne

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  15. Depression ..... I've talked about it to my friends and family (not to mention countless therapists), written about it on blogs as well as my journal, prayed about it and been so numb that taking a breathe seems like it's just not worth it. No one will ever understand depression unless they have truly suffered and even then they will not understand your depression just their own.

    I have no advice or words to offer you other than I am sorry honey. You know where to reach me if you need an ear.

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  16. stopped by from Vanessa's...in a word (or more)
    depression sucks.....as in the life out of you. Just keep closing the door on it.

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