On the Farm

During our renovations, we took time to stop for play and rest. One of the things we did was take Acorn to visit a local farm.

Growing up in farm country, farms were old hat to me. Half of my friends grew up on farms! But living in the suburbs, Acorn's missing out on really seeing the animals he sees in his books. Luckily, there's a small farm about 3 minutes from my best friend's house that had an open house and tour last weekend.

So we loaded our little dude in to the car and drove across town to get our fill of farm fresh cheese and yogurt (from sheep and goats! No cows here.), touch all the wool blankets and skeins and roving that I wanted to throw all of our money at, and of course, visit with the animals.

There were some little lambs that we were able to get up close with and Acorn was maybe a bit too excited about them; especially their tails! So I had to hold him back to keep him from hug/tackling them or trying to drag one home by its tail. Poor things!

We *do* have horses next door to us, so while he was incredibly interested, and even a little freaked out by, the sheep and goats he was completely comfortable around the horses. I laughed at how he gave this friendly old guy the brush off - "quit sniffing my hair, horse!"

We'll definitely go back when they have their next open weekend!

Veggies, Renovations, and Summer Scenes

There's been quite a lot going on here lately, and due to the relentless heat, I'm grateful that a lot of it has been inside or in the shade!

Acorn's been super in to helping Joe and I out with every thing we do lately; when I'm in the kitchen he pulls out the folding step stool and drags it over for me to unfold so he can "help" with cooking dinner. Since he still tries to touch the stove or grab knives, he helps by standing at the edge of the counter holding the spice jars. And, if something is cool, putting ingredients in the bowl/pot and adding those spices.

Over the weekend, he helped me make two jars of fridge pickles. Then helped Joe mow the lawn while I started my very first batch of sauerkraut.

We've been prepping the house this past week for our first major renovation in the 5 years since we moved in. We're tearing up the carpet in the living room and 2 hallways and replacing them with high quality laminate, and changing the wall colors. Since we'll be replacing the floors, we need to move all of the furniture out, which means we needed to take all of the stuff off of it. We also had to take all of the pictures and paintings off the walls, which makes our home feel awfully naked.

Our poor cat, Molly, has been freaking out as things disappear, while Luna and Acorn are unphased. Molly's moved enough times to know that usually when stuff gets packed away, it means he's going to get stuck in a crate in the car at some point. Poor thing.

When it's been cooler in the evenings, we've been pushing Acorn on his swing and hanging in our hammocks watching the fireflies and bats and taking a reprieve from all of the work that's been or is waiting to be done.

I'm learning how to hold on to the to-do list a little less tightly and to chillax every now and then. Even in the midst of a major project.

Gratitude*Sunday A Day Late

Each Sunday I stop and count my blessings.

Taking time to honor the things I've been grateful for throughout the week. A quiet, weekly practice of appreciation and positivity. A time to breath and reflect. A small step towards a more simplistic and appreciative outlook. Feel free to join in. <3

This Week I am Grateful For:

* A patient, loving, unwavering husband who is my rock through the even the stormiest periods of my anxiety and depression.
* Getting some time with a beautiful friend who I don't see as often as I'd like, who is in a huge transitional period. The fact that she takes the time to talk and care about other people's shit during her own upheaval is wondrous.
* Sipping sangria poolside. Seeing Acorn actually enjoy the pool for a little bit.
* Our neighbors treating us to a delicious lunch.
* Speaking what I want aloud, even though it sounds so cheesy. Letting go of judgement of that cheese.
* New hammock straps that make it a cinch to put up - hammock hangs after bedtime with my love. Watching fireflies dance around us, bats fluttering overhead, and a huge owl swooping out of our pine trees. I guess I know why I haven't seen as many hawks around the yard this year.
* Going through and paring down my jewelry & fabric collections. Letting go of things is far more freeing than I'd anticipated.
* Acorn picking a flower for his friend, then dumping dirt in her hair 5 minutes later, then a few minutes after that ripping out an entire plant to give to her which Joe quickly replanted. It's the thought that counts, right? :)
* Having a very light, happy, uplifting weekend. Seriously, I'd call it perfect.

Gratitude*Sunday

Each Sunday I stop and count my blessings.

Taking time to honor the things I've been grateful for throughout the week. A quiet, weekly practice of appreciation and positivity. A time to breath and reflect. A small step towards a more simplistic and appreciative outlook. Feel free to join in. <3 align="center" p="">

This Week I am Grateful For:

* Starting and making good progress on my very first Waldorf doll!
* Rainy days - playing in the wet yard as the rain comes down.
* Watching Acorn's fascination and interaction with bees. He squats down by bees and goes "zzzzzz" at them and offers them clover flowers.
* Good books.
* Remembering to recognize all of my creative endeavors as worthy, not just the painting. Sometimes I get so hung up on the fine art, meanings, seeking, uncovering, and feelings aspects of Art (with a capital A) that I feel like despite creating things, I haven't been "creative". Thank you, Cynthia, for the timely reminders.
* Date night with Joe! We went to a 90's themed adults only party at the Children's museum and had so much fun! We danced to our old jams, dressed more or less like we still do (shh... once a child of the 90's, always a child of the 90's), made some crafty souvenirs, and played! Best date ever.

Joe playing music on an organ made of plastic pipes.

Me climbing in the giant, rainbow colored climber! My claustrophobia acted up at the very top where it narrowed, but my fear of heights did not. Booyah!

Dolls, Desires, and a River

Hey! Remember this?

I've been slowly working through projects and reading books, but haven't felt much like blogging so haven't shared. While I've been away, I completed a baby quilt that is a few months late but my friends will definitely not mind, repaired the seat in our bike trailer for Acorn, finished 2 new paintings, and have been steadily working through all of the categories of stuff in my house Konmari style to pare down to the things that truly bring me joy!

I've also finished a few books, which you can keep up with if you're on goodreads. You can find me here. I'd *highly* recommend Glennon Doyle Melton's first novel Carry on Warrior if you're wanting some woman, mother, wife comradery and musings on life that will hit you right in the feels. My copy is dog eared, underlined, circled and tear stained and I only read it once.

That all cleared up, what am I working on this week?

I'm working on a waldorf doll for Acorn using this amazing tutorial from Faith and String. I've never made any sort of doll before and this has been a super easy tutorial so far. I'm really enjoying the process and the only thing I had to buy was the knit for the skin. So I'm $6 in to this. Not bad!

I'm currently reading two books at once. Danielle LaPorte's Desire Map as recommended to me by several friends (and my therapist two days after I had bought it!) and Cathrine Ryan Hyde's ( of Pay it Forward fame) new novel for a review with TLC Book Tours.

What are you all up to?

Gratitude*Sunday

Each Sunday I stop and count my blessings.

Taking time to honor the things I've been grateful for throughout the week. A quiet, weekly practice of appreciation and positivity. A time to breath and reflect. A small step towards a more simplistic and appreciative outlook. Feel free to join in. <3 align="center" p="">



This Week I am Grateful For:

* Good chats with friends and the husband.
* Empathy.
* Sunny days and Summer showers.
* Getting the last of the flooring bought for our big living room renovation. Now we just have to wait for Joe to get his time off sorted out!
* New flowers in the garden.
* Creative time with friends. Chatting about Desire.
* A patient, steadfast, loving husband. My rock in the storm.
* Acorn's attempts to stall bedtime by giving me tons of kisses. So sweet.
* Making the decision to accept help in all of its forms. I have a referral out, waiting to make the appointment.
* Books that make me nod in agreement, laugh in commiseration, and sob in understanding.
* All the iced coffee.
* Accidental altars.
* The fireflies being back.

On Flailing

Things will be feeling great, and then one day you wake up and they stop feeling that way. That's depression in a nutshell.

Ah, my black wolf. He's been hanging around me for a few weeks now, making me weepy and apathetic. And at first, I fought and thrashed and said "This is some unfair bullshit, go away." and then felt guilt and shame for feeling this way again with Acorn being so young still, and for being snappy and crabby and apathetic with everyone.

But, over the past few days I've had some long, deep, in the shit rambling talks with my husband and a few very close friends. They're the best for these sorts of talks because, they listen. They don't interrupt, they don't offer pity or advice. They simply listen.

It's a skill I'm a bit bad at myself, if I'm being completely honest.

And in these ramblings, I uncovered some truths I had been avoiding while in the fog. All on my own, with no one pointing it out.

Have I mentioned how much I love good listeners?

I need to find the mother inside of me. Not the one I DON'T want to be, or even the one that I DO want to be. Just the one that I ALREADY am. And embrace her in all of her messy, human glory. It's time to unfollow the parenting advice sites and blogs, unfriend the sanctimommies, forgive the examples I'm running from and just BE in this role and in this life. I can still commiserate, because we all need to commiserate sometimes.

In fighting so hard to hold on and not "lose myself" after becoming a mother (my biggest fear), I actually stifled a new iteration of myself from coming through. I'm so terrified of change and the what if's of what comes after that I've shackled my ankle to an old, ill fitting version of myself where I don't have room to breath, much less grow.

And it feels like I'm fighting myself, constantly. The old snarky version of me who wasn't going to let motherhood change her AT ALL, the consummate rebel who scoffed at "women's work", the misunderstood loner artist and the new one who wants to soften and surrender to this season, who isn't embarrassed by the pride and joy she finds in homey things, and admits that perhaps this wasn't the best time to try to try to become a "serious artist", but rather keep on doing what I do for the sake of doing it. The one the old me thinks is super fucking lame.

Because she's afraid.

She's afraid of dying, and she's afraid of what comes after. She thrives on feelings of not enough. And so she clings on desperately and whispers vitriol that makes me question the simple joys I find, and makes me fear that if I change to much, everything will crumble around me and I'll be left where I started.

Alone and flailing.

She whispers to me that accepting a pill to help is cheating, that it's synthetic happiness, that it's less than real. That it will make me a phony despite my urging and celebration of others for doing what is best for them. Even takings the pills.

That part of me is what's phony. And hypocritical.

And amidst all this, I'm flailing with my faith. I never really understood what a crisis of faith really felt like, though I've been sympathetic with others. It turns out, it's not just limited to followers of organized religions. Even a raising herself on dirt and whispering to nature kinda gal can thrash about, crying for answers with the best of them.

And so I'm searching as I'm clinging. Which doesn't really work out so well.

My hips and lower back have been aching for weeks. I can't get comfortable when I lie down. Walking, standing and squatting are painful. I feel creaky, crooked, and like my legs are going to pop out of their sockets.

I feel like I did the week before I had Acorn, when I was in pre-labor.

And while I'm thrashing about with my spirituality, there's one thing I'm still set on: my body is a mirror for what's going on in my heart and mind. It's time to birth someone new. Flailing and confused but comforted instantly by love.

It's time to be brave, get clear on how I want to feel rather than who I want to be, and do what I need to do to get there. Because this thrashing about in the cold gray sea thing is better left to the birds.