Thursday, March 6, 2014

4 Things I'll Be Happy to Never Hear Again

I'm short on blogging time and inspiration these days, as I continue through the fog of pregnancy brain and the business of home improvements, seed starting, yard wrangling, project planning and finishing and family driving me up and down the walls with baby stuff. The few moments I do get in the day for some much needed R&R are spent pulling oracle cards, sipping tea, cuddling with the hubs and the furs or sleeping. Writing and creating haven't gotten the time they should but neither is ever far from my mind. Soon enough, though, the weather will be warmer, the projects will be wrapped up and I can venture out with my camera, spend time with my paints and let my fingers record the meanderings of my mind once more.

For now though, I'd like to present to you the 4 most annoying things I've heard while pregnant and will die happily never hearing again. Presented in a snarky manner, because if it wasn't for humor and sarcasm, I'd have choked someone by now.

Also, yes. I am aware that I seem to be a magnet for more asinine and crazy people than the average bear. I wish there was a switch I could hit to turn that off.

1. "Hey Fatty! Hi, Buddha! Are you SURE you're not having twins??" Or any other equivalent phrase referring to my size.
Yes, I know I've gained weight. I'm aware of the fact that I'm getting rounder. These things do not escape me when I look in the mirror EVERY SINGLE DAY or am weighed at the doctor's office. It's no surprise to my fucked up knees who are bearing the extra weight with chagrin and maybe a bit of malice.

I'm eating well, gaining weight as I should be and still staying fairly active. I'm not thrilled with the fact that I'm getting heavier due to discomfort and a bit of low self esteem that has always been an issue. I don't walk up to you and say "Hey porkchop, tubby two by four or Stinky McShowers Never" because that's fucking rude. What makes you think it's less rude to say to a pregnant woman? Moreover, what makes you think it's safe to say that to someone with hormones raging through their bodies?

2. "Was it Planned? Wanted?"
Am I carrying and planning to have the baby? Then yes, it is wanted. Who gives a shit if it was planned? Ours was, but should it matter? How does someone else's baby being planned or a whoopsy effect you exactly?

3. "So... how did you do it? How long did it take?" and other questions involving our sex life.
You're an adult, so I'll just go ahead and assume that you know how babies are made. If not, ask your parents or check out a middle school sex-ed book. We're not close enough for me to give you intimate details of my sex life, so please, go creep on someone else.

4. "You have NO IDEA what you're getting yourselves in to" and other disheartening talk about how having a kid is going to overwhelm and ruin our lives.
Oh man, thank you for pointing out that we're both so stupid that we didn't even stop to consider that raising a child might be hard! Thank goodness you were around to tell us how awful it's going to be, how we'll never sleep again or how we'll never have time for hobbies, friends, each other, hot meals or sex ever again. Since neither one of us has ever been around a baby, lived with one or helped take care of any we were completely oblivious to what having a child might entail. Thank you so much for pointing out how ill prepared and insane we are!

- End Sarcasm.

In all seriousness, we KNOW that a child is hard work and can be emotionally taxing. We both have siblings a decade or more younger than us, nieces and nephews who are under the age of ten and friends with small children. We know what having a child may entail and we're OK with sleepless nights, crying, shitty diapers and less free time for a while. If we weren't, I wouldn't be pregnant. Your life and approach to parenting is only as miserable and you choose to make it, so please stop insulting our intelligence and acting like all kids are wailing creatures from Hell. Yours might be, that doesn't mean everyone's is.


  1. Oh mama..I wish you were having a more positive experience when it comes to other people and their comments. Every time I read about a comment someone made towards you, I just want to smack them myself. It definitely makes me wonder where these people come from. Sure sleepless nights, the crying, the diapers, the feeling like you're trapped sucks. But it never lasts long.

    It will be the little things that inspire, make you laugh (like looking down at the glass top kitchen table after cleaning it off and seeing a toothless grinning face looking up at you because he managed to walk his walker right under the table), and make you realize that it's totally worth it.

    Screw the idiots.. Just reveal in the fact that you're cooking a beautiful little person inside who will think you are the best mama in the whole world (Trust me, I get told that by my 9 year old on a daily basis) and that's all that matters. So rock on you sassy mama! Keep doing what you're doing and taking time for you. And enjoy the fact that everyone who pisses you off will make nice targets if the zombie apocalypse ever hits. HUGS mama!! =)

    1. Oh so much zombie bait. :) Thanks for the good thoughts and mental smacks, hun!

  2. I'm sorry to hear about the crap people are putting you through. From my experience the fat-calling thing is a typical Anglo-Saxon rudeness, and we don't really see it over here. Is it connected to that whole 'the-female-(body-)is-shrouded-in-mystery-and-should-remain-that-way' thing maybe?
    I think you should tell them all they look fat back. It's not pretty, but who says you need to take the higher ground? You're pregnant for crying out loud!

  3. I have NO idea what turns people into jackasses around pregnant women; it's like suddenly your privacy and feelings no longer matter and it's a free for all of awkward, rude and intimate questions and comments. A friend of mine had someone comment that her breasts looked way better when she was pregnant... so, at least I haven't had that happen.

    I was so flabbergasted the to be called "fatty" and "Buddha" the first time I was shocked in to silence. Next time I'll be ready with an "At least I'm pregnant. What the fuck's your excuse?" ;)

  4. I'm sorry to hear about all that rubbish... Keep your chin up, lovely! Just know that it's a reflection of them, not of you. As long as you and baby are happy and healthy, and not harming anyone, then nothing else matters. Take that time to yourselves, hugs, oracle cards and all, and savour it. There's no other time of life more magical than pregnancy.

    Having kids is hard, but its also the most rewarding and fulfilling thing I've ever done. I'd never be without my little one, even though I'd like to wring her neck at times :)

    Take care xx

  5. Oh sweet lady.....I so wish that when someone I care about is pregnant that I could "bubble" them. That would be wrap you in sweet thoughts and good vibes and keep the rest of the world locked out.....but ain't so. You will of course look back on this and see how very little it really means in the scheme of things when you and Joe are cuddling that little acorn. Shelley experienced some of the ickiest folks and comments but that experience is what helps her be such a devoted and protective Mom to her two. Take it (the asshat remarks) as future training and lessons learned.
    More good in the world than bad, but I fear maybe the bad is louder. Smooches, Oma Linda

  6. Here's my take on the above comments - now that I'm a grandmother now. Regarding the weight, I had to LOL. My dear, trust me, NO ONE was bigger with a single baby than I was with my daughter. When I was in my last trimester, I had to turn my body so folks could walk by. When I bought some maternity clothes in a larger size in September, the cashier was actually astonished and said "why in the world are you buying more clothes when you are due any day now?" I was due in DECEMBER. When my co-workers ran a pool, the LOWEST weight guessed was 9 lbs. 9 oz! Just laugh it off. It's a baby after all, and the only person who's comments about your weight should matter is your doctor. And he/she will be just as concerned about low weight gain. Go along with the jokes - it will make you smile.

    Was it planned/wanted? Now THAT comment would have pissed me off. It is nobody's business. The old "why do you need to know that?" should suffice. You will probably find that people have no clue why they asked - they were trying to make conversation.

    "How did you do it" warrants a puzzled stare and a "you really don't know?" comment. That will probably shut them up quickly. As far as "How long did it take", in many cases the person asking could care less about your sex life, but may be seriously considering having a child themselves - and they really want to know so they can plan accordingly. Consider the source of the question - it just might help someone with their own decisions.

    I hope the "you have no idea what you are getting yourself into" comments have come from your childless friends. Or at least those parents who are lacking sleep, privacy and all those other things new parents need to cope with. Turn to folks who have been parents for awhile, or better yet, grandparents, and talk to them. You'll find better advice, and lots of PROS about having a child.

  7. Tune it out. People can be such jackasses. When I was pregnant for the third time (after birthing 2 girls) I had countless morons asking me if I was "trying for a boy". It got to the point where I just told people to shut the hell up.

    And we never know exactly what we're getting into. That's the beauty of living an exciting life. If we knew, we wouldn't be half as adventurous.

    After the birth, people will watch to see how quickly you shed the pregnancy weight. Ignore that too and enjoy your time with your freshly made human. Limit having negative people around you and your child is the best advice I received and I can give.

    I've been a fan of your blog for a year now. I think you'll be a great mother. I'm sending lots of love and light your way. :)

  8. Shame on those people for saying such nasty things! Turn a deaf ear and know that in some warped way those people are jealous of you! You are a truly glorious person! And Baby is so lucky to have a Mommy like you! {{hugs}}

  9. In case you *do* choke anyone, my offer to help hide the bodies still stands. I'll hop on my broom and be there in a few hours. ^_~
    I'm sorry people are such raging asshats... especially to women. Especially, especially, to pregnant women. Triple especially to you.
    You are beautiful. No matter what size, what shape, you're amazing! Don't let nasty people get you down. I'm sorry they can't see how beautiful it is that as women, we can carry a whole new life inside of us... that THAT in and of itself is beautiful, and that this makes us beautiful. Gah... I want to grab my bat when people start bashing others based on size, weight, etc.... especially during pregnancy.
    I'm also sorry you're having to deal with our society's obsession with controlling/shaming women's bodies, especially related to reproduction. And I'm always appalled at how others think it's okay to cross personal boundaries and ask questions they wouldn't even ask their mother. Seriously... wtf.
    And I totally agree with you that the individual's approach to parenting can make it wonderful (even if sleep deprived!) or miserable. Hang tight, dearie, you and Joe (and Luna) are going to have a blast raising that kiddo... who is insanely lucky to have you guys as her/his parents. Love & hugs & body bags if you need them,

  10. Man people suck! I actually used to get the boob comment all the time when I was pregnant with Calvin and also right after Nadia was born when I still had a bit of baby pooch and was trying to nurse. "Wow are you pregnant? Cause your boobs are like wabam!" I don't know why it is that pregnancy brings that kind of shit out in people, but it always surprised me because it wasn't always just scum bags, sometimes people you used to think were totally normal are the WORST.


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