It's been a wee bit since I've really stopped by my cyber cottage. Seems like my little tribe of bloggers has been pretty quiet as of late too, so I suppose it's not just me.
Between the onset of Spring and there being some big thoughts and decisions marinating in my brain, I've taken a turtle's approach to cyber space lately; pulling inside myself. And when I'm not all tucked up in my shell, I'm basking in the sun. Literally. Iced coffee in hand in my chair on the patio. My muse has been snoozing and I've taken a sabbatical from painting and drawing as well.
We've been working hard to get the gardens going, if a bit later than I preferred and as I said, I've been spending a lot of time in my head. Just thinking, healing, growing. You know how that goes. I'm doing a lot of spring cleaning in the house and in myself; pitching the old and that which no longer serves me to make way for new, bigger things. And I'm not going to lie. Some of that's been really, really hard. Especially the stuff inside myself. Letting go of labels that served me so well, realizing that as much as it used to be me, some things aren't anymore and clinging to those thoughts, memories and labels is only holding me back. They're a safety blanket from a past time and it's time to let them go.
But telling yourself that and actually doing it are not the same thing and one is most certainly more difficult than the other. Realizing that I'm not 18 or 22 or 26 any more, that I'm not some big eyed kid who can stay out all night and party every night, that I don't have all this time to just fuck around and put things off until tomorrow any more. That I don't have the time or emotional stamina any more to give too many fucks about people who aren't going to actually enrich my life anymore. I don't have the time or emotional stamina to keep up one sided relationships and chase after people with the emotional range of a teaspoon.
Right now, I'm working on reconciling conflicting parts of myself. The parts that say 'Growing up is over-rated!' with the parts that say 'Dammit, you're an adult now so knock off the shit.' And it's so hard for me, because I never really had those good adult role-models. I know, it sounds like an excuse but I assure you, it's not. My mom got married and popped out a bunch of kids because that's what grown-ups did and never gave herself the chance to figure out who she was. And so it was, at the age of 38 - just 8 years older than I am now - she packed up her shit and ran away from home. Leaving her family behind to find happiness and herself. And so, I grew up. Very fast. From 16 to 36 and took care of my siblings.
Why is all this relevant? Well, because even though I've taken lots of time since then to heal, to be young and have friends, to party and chase wild dreams, kiss random boys and live every day to the fullest... I'm still terrified that I'm going to end up being like my mother. That I'm going to make the decision in the next few years as to whether or not to add another human to our family and that I'm going to snap and break down and flake off with a thin excuse and expect all those broken hearts to just get over it and understand. To not understand how 14 years later, your daughter is still bitter and fucked up over the whole thing. Deep down, I know I'm not her and that the chances of my doing the same are slim, but it's still a fear. Especially given that in my mind's eye the image of 'being a grown up or a good mom' essentially means being a slave to your family and house, running a hundred thousand errands, having no time for yourself, dressing like a church lady, driving a mini van *shudder shudder* and essentially being boring as shit. And do I know this is ridiculous?
Absolutely. Especially given all the awesome women I have in my life here in my cyber home and in my circle of friends - which is honestly the largest group of women friends I've had in my life. But there's still the Peter Pan in me that stomps his feet and refuses to listen to reason, that says 'I'm never growing up!' And I know I don't have to, that I never have to let my inner child go and quit being myself. But as I said, it's going to take a lot of cleaning up and inner talk to reconcile all of this in to cohesion. I have faith that I'll get there, especially given all of the wonderful role-models and the amazing support system I have in my life right now but it's taxing. And it's going to take some time and I'm not the most patient of people, especially with myself. Learning curves all around.
Breathe. Release. Repeat.