Let Go

Things are getting less heavy over here and I'm starting to move forward on a new, healthier path for myself. I took the time last week to talk to a handful of friends about what was bothering me; I let everything and then some just go and flow like water that's been damned up. More than likely I dumped more about my past into their laps than any of them expected, some things they may have already guessed at from previous chats and posts and others were dumped unceremoniously at their feet like a carcass that you've come to terms with but still carry with you. Some down right ugly things came to light but there were also triumphs revealed, because I'm a survivor. And while I'm not a braggart and am even a bit on the self conscious side, I won't deny the strength within myself.

The outpouring of love and stories was nearly overwhelming, just from the people who I really got into the dirt with over it. While each of our lives has been unique and our troubles different, we hear each other and we understand. There's a kinship that can be rooted up amongst the shit and the muck, a strength and a wisdom that is found that tempers thought and action with compassion. While I haven't met some of these women face to face there is a real bond of friendship between us, the sort where blunt honesty is all we are willing to offer up. The advice I was given rang deep within me and I know in my heart that it was just an echo of what I already knew; let go. Maybe not forever, maybe not completely but grab to that mantra you've used for nearly two years and let it set you free. As a wise sister friend said, love shouldn't hurt. Right now, it does.

And so I'm working on gaining distance, on letting go. I'm working on being kind to myself and only being around people who make my heart happy. (Except at work, we can't pick and choose which branch of the public comes in on any given day.) The key from here on out is to love my family but not to let their mistakes and their shit catch me up and drag me down into the whirlpool with them. To learn to watch from the outside and not let my empathy nor my desire to fix everything overwhelm me and throw me into depression anymore. This will not be an easy path to walk, nor will I reach the end soon. I've been the rock and the fixer for far too long. Yet it is one I must walk, because just surviving these storms isn't enough anymore. With my lantern held high, my sisters and spirits at my back - I'm walking.

Just a wee musical gem for you all; one of my (many, many) favorite songs.