Tuesday, November 29, 2011

A Spa Adventure

So, the other day I went to the spa for the first time. Ever. By some strange stroke of luck, I had won a gift package for a three hour session of pampering. Needless to say, I was sort of excited.

When I arrived I changed into a nice fluffy robe and slippers (after asking the nice man who showed me to the changing area exactly how naked I was supposed to get. Turns out? Totally.) and someone brewed me a pot of tea. I sat and sipped my tea in the little zen garden area, with its calming spa music and water feature fixating on the fact that I was completely naked under the nice fluffy robe. Naked, sipping tea? Ridiculous, unless I was in some sort of Edwardian romance novel; which I wasn't.

Luckily, I wasn't left to dwell on my tea drinking nudity for long before a wonderful lady whisked me away to get an hour long massage. Great gods above, have you ever laid in a bed with a built in warmer... naked? I want one of those things in my house. I'd never get out of bed again. Anyway, this being my first massage and my first time naked with a stranger who was not a physician even the heated bed couldn't totally relax me. But as soon as the massage therapist started rubbing whatever magical scented oil she had on my shoulders, my brain just shut off. And it was awesome. I didn't think about a damn thing the whole time. On top of that, not only could I feel each and every one of my muscles loosen and lose tension as she worked, I actually felt my spine straighten out. You see, as well as my eye and uterine ailments I also have scoliosis due to a difference in length in the bones of my legs, so I constantly feel - for lack of a better word - crooked. I was seeing a chiropractor for a while (despite several of them saying my back was sort of a lost cause unless I wanted surgery to even out my legs... uh, no.) to crack and adjust me to help with that feeling of being twisted. Well, I didn't enjoy the cracking so I quit going, but this massage thing? Glorious. And, when I mentioned to her that I thought I felt my spine shifting she explained that it was and why it was doing so.

Sadly, an hour is not nearly a long enough period of time for this sort of thing and before I knew it, I was done. I changed into my normal clothes and found myself back in the zen garden with a glass of wine waiting to be taken to my next destination on my spa adventure. But lo, before I could continue on my quest for relaxation I came across a woman who was not clad in nothing but a fluffy robe, sipping wine across from me. Like some hopped up housewife from those abysmal television shows she eyeballed me and asked "come here often?" I replied that this, in fact, was my first time. She gave me the once over, bright blue eyeshadow clashing with her dark rooted hair, and said "Oh. Get a gift card? Luckily for her and to my surprise... massages make this Jersey girl relatively docile. So rather than shoving her wine glass up her nose sideways I merely replied, "Why yes. My husband works for a multi million dollar international company who gave it to me for Christmas." (This is true to a point, I won it at last year's Holiday Party. Yes, it took me a year to use it.) As she fumbled for a response, another woman came out to lead me away to another room for my pedicure/manicure.

As my feet soaked and my hands were encased in wax, she and I had a good laugh about the bitch in the other room. Apparently, she's got a holier than thou attitude with any 'spa newbie' and is a lousy tipper. But, she buys a lot of shit so they let her keep coming back. Either way, here's the part that has flabbergasted everyone I've told. So, my feet were soaked and some delicious smelling mask was brushed onto them before they were wrapped in hot towels. While they were baking, she plucked, clipped and polished my toenails. She also took the wax off of my hands and plucked, clipped and polished my fingernails. And you know what? Manicures and pedicures are totally over-hyped. For two hours this woman worked on my hands and feet and I felt no more relaxed, pampered or different than I had beforehand.

Maybe it's just my super low maintenance personality? I mean, I hate shoes. I dislike shopping and if an outfit requires more thought than 'clean jeans and a tshirt' I probably won't like that either. But, I would never, ever pay to have a manicure or pedicure.

Now massages? Get me naked and give me that fluffy robe any day of the damn week. Mark that down, my birthday's in February. ;)


  1. One of the goals on my last three goal lists has been to get a massage and this makes me want one even more. :)

  2. It's been quite awhile since I had a massage but they are heavenly, just as you described. I am so glad you got to pamper yourself with one. Makes me want one too.

    And I had no idea we had the crookedy thing in common too.

    Oma Linda

  3. Massages are underrated and too many people put them down...usually because they have not had one...

  4. This spa experience (I've never been to one either) sounds delicious!

    I love the way you dealt with that horrible woman...priceless!

  5. Hi Danni,

    I just wanted to stop by and let you know that you inspire me! Particularly your artistic use of the Heart of Faery. I have added you to my bookmarks for blogs to follow, and hope we will be learning more from each other in the future!


  6. Well, that was really your spa day since you were lucky enough to receive that gift certificate for your very first spa experience. Thanks for sharing .


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