Thursday, November 20, 2014

Honoring My Seasons

There's an undeniable ebb and flow to the seasons of Nature, which we accept and do what we must to get through, because we know we have no other choice. Similarly, I've noticed that we all have our own seasons of sorts, cycles that we go through of ups and downs that can last hours, days, weeks or months. If we keep track of them, we may notice they follow a specific rhythm or pattern - a wheel of sorts. Unlike the ones in Nature, however, we rally and try to fight these cycles... at least, I know that I do.

For years, I've fought against my own personal Winter. Without fail, at this time of year my energy levels drop, I become a bit of a shut in, I have no desire to pick up a brush, a pastel or a pencil and create art. And despite knowing this will happen and knowing that in years past the fight with myself has led to depression, I've continued to do so. I rail against the lack of energy, trying to force myself to get all manner of things done and I beat myself up over the lack of art making; demanding to know what sort of artist doesn't paint for months at a time.

Until this year. This year, I'm done fighting. I'm done railing and belittling and putting so fucking much emphasis on what I'm not doing, rather than what I need. I'm done sending myself down the deep corridors of the Black Wolf's domain over something that, much like Nature's Winter, I cannot stop. So what if I don't paint? So what if I want to hang out in bed in my pajamas drinking hot tea until a decadently late hour of the afternoon? What is it going to hurt to give in and honor my seasons?

What will change if I go with my own flow, just like I go with the flow of Nature, that wonderful teacher?

Perhaps nothing. Perhaps I'll still face darkness during the longest nights of the year. Perhaps I'll still feel stressed about not making art or the house being untidy. Perhaps I'll feel guilt for my self perceived laziness.

But perhaps not.

Perhaps I'll find that the darkest nights aren't cold black, but a warmer shade. Perhaps I'll find contentment in wool and yarn as I sit in bed crocheting after Orion has fallen asleep, or twirl the drop spindle where he can watch it. Perhaps the occasional day under warm covers with hot tea and the bodies of my family cozied up next to mine is more important and nourishing than a scratch cooked meal or the most tidy of homes.

I'm betting that there is. That there is magic hidden in our personal cycles, our small medicine wheels if you will, just as there is in the large one that spins the World. An overlooked magic that we've forgotten in our quest to do more, be more, have more and fit in to tidy labeled boxes like so many office files.

Perhaps it's time to let go of more and reclaim our magic.

3 comments:

  1. Great post. Last winter I, too, became a shut in and it really effected me emotionally. In prior years I had been working so it didn't effect me as much. So, I sat there day after day crying over things I could not control such as the aging of my cat. I totally focused on signs that her health was deteriorating and noticed every little thing. Gradually I slipped into a darkness that was hard to pull myself out of. This year I am prepared. I've taken up drawing as a hobby and a Japanese woman at my senior center has been teach me origami. So, this year if I end up shut in again, I'll have something to occupy my time.
    Mary

    ReplyDelete
  2. Yes, so very many times YES. To everything you just wrote. <3

    XOXO

    ReplyDelete
  3. Love your post! I recently gave up yoga for a couple of reasons: #1 I cannot do much of it because of my risk of injury (due to my overall health issues/disabilities/limitations) and #2 because I got so stressed out about the fact that I can't do so much of it, that stress + getting down on myself about what of it I couldn't do (vs focusing on the few poses I can do) was totally defeating the purpose of what yoga is supposed to be! I've gone back to something I've likely known all along: Walking is my yoga, not to mention the safest exercise for me to do, aside from some basic stretches. What a relief it is to have freed myself from that self imposed "should"! It was weighing on me so heavily. (I'm planning a post about it soon).

    ReplyDelete