Wednesday, January 8, 2014

Painting the Feminine - Beginning with Trust

Once more, I'm joining with Connie at Dirty Footprints Studio and the beautiful women in my painting tribe to delve Fearlessly in to our painting practice. But this time, with a bit of a twist and a much stronger commitment; for 30 days we will be exploring and defining the feminine for ourselves in our art journals and on canvas.

We're digging deep in to our own mysteries, questioning and healing with art. And in the process, creating a habit of taking time every day to create.

And this is something that I knew I needed to do; right now. Such a huge part of my inner struggle with the decision to become a mom was this innate terror that I would have to give myself up in the process; that doing anything less would make me selfish and somehow... less. That taking time for art would be ridiculous when you've got a new life and a family to take care of. Because that's what my mother and grandmother and countless other women have done - let themselves, their passions and their dreams fall by the wayside to be 110% MOM and nothing but.

Much as I told myself that this wouldn't happen, that I can brave stigma and judgement, that I have AMAZING support from my husband who would never ever let me be anything other than me... now that baby's growing away in my womb, I feel that old fear creeping back in. I also know that establishing routines is hard for me, so if I'm going to form a strong habit, it needs to happen now.

I'm hoping that by going on this sojourn, I will not only create a daily art ritual but banish these doubts and fears by finding my own strengths and healing old wounds.

And... that amazingly supportive husband of mine? He gifted it to me as an early birthday gift. My heart, it melts!

So, for the next month I'll be sharing my journey here. Starting with the word I chose to use as my intention for the entire journey:

Trust.

I started with "Trust" because, for me, that's what this whole adventure is about. It's about ruthlessly trusting myself to open up and dig deeper in to myself to rediscover and heal my own feminine energies. It's about trusting my spouse and my tribe to support me on my journey. It's about trusting myself to commit to and stick with this practice long after these four weeks have ended. The Feminine asks us to trust and it's one of my sticking points; opening my heart and allowing myself to be vulnerable, trusting in the tenderness of others and the universe not to take advantage of that vulnerability. Without that trust, this would just be another painting exercise and little else. So this start page is as much a pledge and a reminder as a visual expression of the feeling.

4 comments:

  1. I don't think there is anyone I know that is a mom that didn't have the fear of losing themselves in Motherhood. It is a very normal, natural fear. And whether you will mean to or not, you will change. But that change has a magic of it's own. It transforms people into parents. Not that all are able to take in all that encompasses. Some can't, but you and Joe will I am sure.
    It is wonderful that you have the support you do from Joe and that you have self awareness. A baby doesn't take away anything from you but adds to who you will become. Trust is an excellent word. Trust that you can, and you will.
    This to be child has lots to teach and share with you and you with them. It is all your own magickal time.
    Smooches and Squoozes, Oma Linda

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    1. Thank you Oma. Yea, it's not the changes that scare me - those are inevitable regardless of baby-having. It's just the fear that I'll stop making, stop doing, stop... being. Like I did when I had that soul-sucking job. But, maybe that's the difference; one is a terrible, thankless job where I got no help and one is raising a human being with my hubs.

      It's comforting to know that I'm not the only one who's had that fear. Though I wish we women didn't have it.

      xox

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    2. you've made me think....and that's a terrible thing to do to me. This one's because of you my dear. http://yeoldecronesgazette.blogspot.com/2014/01/stretch-marks.html

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  2. Losing what makes you, you is a common fear. I struggled with it when I had my son and am finding that those same fears are creeping back in with baby 2 entering into this crazy world in a few months. But the thing I learned most from my son, especially when he was small and even more now that he's older, kids have a way of bringing even more of you into being. They awaken what's deep inside and it just makes you want to better yourself, be true to yourself, not let go of what really makes you happy just so that you can show and teach them as they grow that it's ok to put yourself first sometimes. It's ok to not let go of what makes you happy, of who you are. I just think kids make us better at being us in the end. And my favorite times are when my son decides that he wants to paint right along side his mama. And when he tells me every day that I'm the best mama in the whole wide world, I know I'm doing something right. So here's to you mama! <Hugs!!

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