Tuesday, April 17, 2012

Finding Forgiveness

All around me the sun is shining, casting its cheerful eyes on all that lies below it. The flowers soak it up, the foxglove and roses swelling under its sight. Squirrels dart to and fro, baby birds chirp the songs of the newly born and temporarily blind, the bees buzz about sounding very much like wee helicopters yet despite being enveloped and surrounded by all of these things, I sit apart. I've sat apart for the past two days, lingering somewhere between fine, sad and angry.

Hurt once more by a little girl who I have loved and cared for over the years, I feel betrayed and at my wits ends. The news has left me angry and shaking, ready to drive as far as I need to in order to meet face to face and scream my head off. The sounds of the newborn babies inflame my feelings and I don't know whether to laugh my fool head off in a state of temporary madness or cry until my chest aches and there's nothing left inside of me. That this has been put on me, that I am once more 'a secret keeper' is too much for me to bear, especially coming not from the sister who caused it but from another.

I run letters through my mind, the first draft being filled with words of hatred, disgust and disowning. The second filled with less venom but just barely. She's so young,her head space is so fucked up. I know the mistakes of her youth will become regrets in old age; in time she will realize how much she needs me - do I sit here quietly and wait? This is why I moved, to distance myself, to detach and live my own life. So far so good, but this is so deep and heavy and painful. I stew and I sit and I think. The spring heat grows stagnant around me.

Inside I petition Artemis for her help, I give her the blood, wine and honey she asks for in exchange for watching out for the innocents. She gives me her ascent and instructions for the future. I sit before Ganesha, filling the room with incense and candlelight, I ask him to help me find the right way. I put his pendant around my neck and feel his strong, gentle presence around me. He tells me the path will not be easy nor short, that I must be clear minded and strong - ready for the future hurts, anger or falling apart of things that may lie before me. Silently, I nod as the tears fall once more. The things I've fought for and patched up over the past twelve years may be torn down around me by no fault of my own, I question if I'm strong enough to pick up the pieces yet again. There is no doubt that I have to be strong, but this time I need to be strong enough for just myself. To pull myself out the other end and not let it ruin me again.

The sun shines around me, illuminating the hurts and the lies but not the path to take, nor the solace and peace to forgive and pick my chin up. That can only be found in the soft dark embrace of night. And it is there that I will seek it. For if I cannot find the strength to forgive, then I will keep hurting. The time has come to really let go.

13 comments:

  1. danni, I don't know all the details but I wish you love and luck (patience, insight, whatever you need) in your journey at this time. Having had my own battles with forgiveness and letting go, I hope you find your way with more ease than I did. Life has a funny way of turning us upside down, inside out before letting us emerge on the other side. Good luck and know that you're in my prayers or positive thoughts (or whatever framework/term works best for you)!

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  2. If I remember correctly, you have a sister who is having problems and you have tried to help without success...From the hurt/pain in this post, it seems she has done it again...I'm so sorry that you are hurting...Forgiveness is so difficult...your mind just keeps running around in circles going over and over what you want to say, either the hurtful words, or the forgiving words...None will make it any better...None will make you feel any better...There is nothing you can do to make it better...Hopefully you can stay away and let time ease the pain...My thoughts are with you...

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  3. Danni, you are strong!! You are!! You may feel battered, but you will not be defeated.

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  4. There have been times in my life where I didn't speak to both of my sisters (for about a year), one of my sisters (for about 3 years), another of my sisters (for about 3 years). My oldest sister is now dead. My only living sister and I patched things up just prior to my other sister's diagnosis of Cancer. Currently, I am not speaking to my oldest sister's daughter and haven't been since the Fall. I don't expect an apology from her, therefore, I assume our only relationship will be of her sending holiday presents to my son. What the fuck am I getting at? It took me 6 years to realize that even though my family may be my family, they don't have to be in my life. Then there are times where I specifically put up with crap because someone is my family. It depends on what the crap is and how able I am to accept that crap. If I can't accept it and my words fall to the floor, that is their choice. Painful and frustrating? Um, yes yes yes. What is more painful and frustrating is watching someone throw their life away while I try and save them all the while they are ignoring my love and concern. There is also a place of middle. You can have someone in your life, but emotionally distance yourself from them. Practice non-attachment to their issues. Many choices. You are correct, the right one will happen. It just will.

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    1. "What is more painful and frustrating is watching someone throw their life away while I try and save them all the while they are ignoring my love and concern"

      This is exactly it, in a nutshell.

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  5. Life's trials are just that, challenges meant to test your strengths and weaknesses. I have faith you'll overcome. It'll be difficult as many trials are, but you'll pull through it; rising to be even smarter and stronger than before. I know this is a tough time, but this is still a beautifully sorrowful post. Blessings and light. ~)O(~

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  6. It's terrible when the things others do affect us awfully :( *hugs*

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  7. Shelley and I are here for you. Pain is pain and when it is given by family it has a special bite. We do understand that. If you think that you need our assistance, you got it. If you need our support, that too is a given. If you need an ear.....there are 4 out this way that will listen and nod and love you.
    Oma and Shelley

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  8. Danni,
    Although I don't know you personally, I feel your frustration and pain all the way here in the Bahamas. Sweet lady, I understand. I may not know the details, but I understand. I send you the Light that is within me and all of us to fill you with hope and acceptance. I ask The Spirit to send the Peace that hovers on my horizon and surround you with it so you may find it. With all the love and light that I have in me...Brightest Blessings and Peace.
    Sarah in Exuma

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  9. Danni, you are so strong, never defeated..

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  10. Forgiveness seems to be a theme lately among us...and it is always painful, never clear cut and even though we may forgive, a wound still leaves a scar. I"m so sorry that you're experiencing so much pain from one whom you love and who has the wherewithal to hurt you so much. The fact that you haven't shut down from your deities shows you're already on the path of forgiveness even though every chant and prayer costs so much. Know I'm sending you lots of love and light now, Danni

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  11. Love, Light, and Peace you dear Danni girl. I can't imagine the hurt and pain you must be going through. I have been through my fair share of pain with family. One thing I've come to learn though, is no matter how hard we try, or how much we want to we cannot save the person needing saving. We can do our best to be there for them, but in the end it is there choice. And after being rejected and hurt in efforts to aid them, we sometimes must just step back and let the Universe do her thing. IF/When they are ready for our help we can then choose to be there with open arms or not, depending on the where you are at with the given situation. My heart goes out to you, you're in my thoughts. May the Artemis and Ganesha guide you.
    Much love and gentle hugs to you. <3

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  12. Danni, you shall find the strength and guidance you seek. Open yourself to the Universe. Just remember we cannot help those who do not wish to be helped.

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