Finding Forgiveness

All around me the sun is shining, casting its cheerful eyes on all that lies below it. The flowers soak it up, the foxglove and roses swelling under its sight. Squirrels dart to and fro, baby birds chirp the songs of the newly born and temporarily blind, the bees buzz about sounding very much like wee helicopters yet despite being enveloped and surrounded by all of these things, I sit apart. I've sat apart for the past two days, lingering somewhere between fine, sad and angry.

Hurt once more by a little girl who I have loved and cared for over the years, I feel betrayed and at my wits ends. The news has left me angry and shaking, ready to drive as far as I need to in order to meet face to face and scream my head off. The sounds of the newborn babies inflame my feelings and I don't know whether to laugh my fool head off in a state of temporary madness or cry until my chest aches and there's nothing left inside of me. That this has been put on me, that I am once more 'a secret keeper' is too much for me to bear, especially coming not from the sister who caused it but from another.

I run letters through my mind, the first draft being filled with words of hatred, disgust and disowning. The second filled with less venom but just barely. She's so young,her head space is so fucked up. I know the mistakes of her youth will become regrets in old age; in time she will realize how much she needs me - do I sit here quietly and wait? This is why I moved, to distance myself, to detach and live my own life. So far so good, but this is so deep and heavy and painful. I stew and I sit and I think. The spring heat grows stagnant around me.

Inside I petition Artemis for her help, I give her the blood, wine and honey she asks for in exchange for watching out for the innocents. She gives me her ascent and instructions for the future. I sit before Ganesha, filling the room with incense and candlelight, I ask him to help me find the right way. I put his pendant around my neck and feel his strong, gentle presence around me. He tells me the path will not be easy nor short, that I must be clear minded and strong - ready for the future hurts, anger or falling apart of things that may lie before me. Silently, I nod as the tears fall once more. The things I've fought for and patched up over the past twelve years may be torn down around me by no fault of my own, I question if I'm strong enough to pick up the pieces yet again. There is no doubt that I have to be strong, but this time I need to be strong enough for just myself. To pull myself out the other end and not let it ruin me again.

The sun shines around me, illuminating the hurts and the lies but not the path to take, nor the solace and peace to forgive and pick my chin up. That can only be found in the soft dark embrace of night. And it is there that I will seek it. For if I cannot find the strength to forgive, then I will keep hurting. The time has come to really let go.