The 40th Hour

We've hit the 40th hour, The Lady and I. (clicking the link will show you how she started out and you can see how far she's come along) The tender ache I feel when working on her was something I felt I needed to push on and work through, despite the discomfort. Art has a funny way of doing that to people, making them uncomfortable but somehow making that discomfort worthwhile. And so, I picked up my brush, put the music back on and let my emotions lead my hand.

And I'm not going to lie; it hurt. Working on her has been laced with a modicum of pain, the sort you keep coming back to - like a canker sore that you keep poking with your tongue or the bruise you continually push on to watch it change color. Yet despite the ache, I keep coming back to her. Stepping up bravely with my brush (and sometimes a bottle of wine) to keep walking this painted path with her. She has something to teach me, something to help me through. She's letting me pour all of my hurt, disappointment and emotional over-load in to her.

The Lady is leading me in to the darkness but will also guide me back out, torch in hand, like sacred Hecate. She has brought me to tears and to my knees before her and still she continues to push me to my emotional and artistic limits. We've hit the 40th hour, she and I, but in the deepest parts of my intuition I know we have many more to traverse. And though the changes may not all be stark and noticeable to those who are not up close with her, they are necessary as she spirals out and expands from my heart and on to the canvas.

I've lost track of the layers of paint she has in to her right now but the least built up portion of the canvas, the green spirals at the bottom, have 10 - 12 layers of paint. So you can imagine how much has gone in to the most built up area, the glowing vortex she holds.

Full Snow Moon

The full moon in my birth month is always a very powerful one for me. No matter where I am or what I'm doing, she pulls at me and tugs at my spirit - calling me to dance beneath her gaze or get in to big workings. Last night's was no exception.

I know I've talked a little bit over the past few months about feeling a disconnect from my path, especially during the "Great Apathy" as I'm now calling that bleak 6 month period at the end of 2012. I was so occupied clinging to whatever straws of joy I could grasp in an effort to keep myself from sinking from apathy to depression that my spiritual practices fell by the wayside. My altar went unchanged between Samhain and Yuletide nor between Yuletide and present, I didn't observe moon phases with anything more than a skyward glance and my conversation and connection to Hermes dwindled in a painfully significant way. My own light had waned to such a dreadful degree that raising energy was a joke. I'd sit or lay down and try and try and felt just the faintest of hums, if anything at all. 

It hadn't been so bad since the days of grand depression in my late teens. I tried to come back from it with the start of the calendar's new year. I began to observe things in nature more vigilantly, went barefoot more often on the cold hard ground and started to feel more like myself again but something was still holding me back. Despite the lifting of the apathy and a return to my true emotional nature, there was still a block somewhere. And as the full moon came ever closer, I felt like I needed to grab my mental sledgehammer and break that fucker down. 

And so, last night, I did just that. I tore down my altar space, taking every.single.item off of it and getting it back to it's bare wood state. No cloths, no decor, no bullshit. I started from scratch in the space; giving it a deep cleansing and re-dedicating it under the watchful gaze of mother moon. This alone took a few hours. Once I was satisfied with it, I fed the spiritual space with sweet smoke and began to cleanse and re-dedicate every item I put in to the space. It is very stripped back compared to what it was when I began, there are no extraneous pieces on it - no cloth, no cauldron, no extra candle sticks. Everything on there was for use in last night's workings or are vessels for the spirits and deities with whom I work. 

And it felt so very, very good. So very, very right. This stripped back, bare bones approach to my worship and workings. It felt as if I'd advanced through a veil and in to a deeper place in the woods of my path. One where I no longer need pomp and circumstance to get in the mood, as it were, because after the darkness I have more faith in myself and my own personal power. 

The energies flowed easily and readily, seemingly ravenous for release. And big things happened at my altar late in to the night; workings not just for myself but for others as well. Jewelry, stones and items for charms were fed, cleansed and blessed. I pulled my cards for the first time in too long and the fae seemed to nod their agreement; I'm on the right path. In the right space. 

Right here, right now. 

The Hanging Woman

You may remember that a little while back I wrote a bit about a painting I'm calling "The Lady", which has to date been the most hour intensive painting I've worked on. (We're at 30+ hours now) You may also remember that I thought I had gone a bit insane because I decided to start painting a second piece at the same time and work on the two in tandem - sort of.

The two were being done while listening to completely different soundtracks and took on two different looks. Lately, the place of emotion where The Lady lives has been a bit too tender for me to willingly go to. It's like a healing wound and working on her right now is sort of akin to picking a scab open. As such, we're taking a break so I can heal up, get my strength back and work on her with full attention instead of a half-assed attempt.

During this break, I focused on her sister who I'm now calling The Hanging Woman. She's so bright and bubbly and full of energy. She's really helped pull me out of that darker place and makes me feel both happy and somehow powerful when I look at her. She's taken a place of prominence in my living room so we can easily connect as often as I need to. Working on her was absolutely a joyful experience, between our musical selections - which ranged from Gogol Bordello to upbeat Indie Pop - and the vibrant colors and energetic movement. I can honestly say that the entire time I worked on this, I was smiling. Or at least smirking in some mischievous way.

It's hard to tell, but there are 17 open eyes nestled in her hair.

For those interested in technicalities, she measures in at an oddball size of 18"x48". She's painted in quite a few layers of acrylics (I lost count at 13), many done in glazes, on Strathmore mixed media paper. A lot of people have asked why I enjoy working on paper, because there are visible seams in all of my paper works. The reason is that as a painting evolves and grows, I'm not constrained to the size of the canvas. I can add more space and let the painting get as big as it likes. In the case of The Hanging Woman, I had originally intended for her to be a single sheet-one shot-quick painting. But when I got to her hair, I desperately wanted to add more paper. So I did. And unlike canvases, these two are connected, so I can move her around and hang her as a single piece. Also, things lined up nicely.

And, I just like working on paper. Dammit. ;)

Here I am with her, for size reference.

Conspirators

I sat with my painting for DEEP for a bit towards the end of last week. I was feeling drained, stretched thin and wanted to just curl up in my bed and hide from the waking world. My work week was incredibly taxing, people were exceptionally mean and to top it off a friend seems to be drifting off in to the ether without neither a reason I know of nor an explanation from him. My heart was so very heavy.

Instead of laying in bed though, I plopped myself on the carpet below my painting and just looked up at it for a bit. I figure, if we're going to form a relationship we'd better get used to seeing each other at our most bedraggled as well as our most excited. After a bit, I got up, grabbed the white paint and a brush and just started to add whatever tugged at me to it. A figure blowing dandelion wishes. Circles. (these show up in a lot of my paintings.) and rays of light bursting through the door. Once the juice ran out, I put my brush down and stepped back, glad to have gotten to sneak in some time with my painting despite the other stressors. Even if just a smidge.

Tonight I stepped back up to the painting and it begged me to make it bigger. There was this overwhelming feeling that something big... no HUGE... wanted to come through that door and in to view. There was a big old knock and I wasn't going to say no. So down it came and more paper was added.

Then I grabbed my brush and played with shape - a big puffy cloud-like outline. That felt right. Then a few swoops and swipes and a slumbering woman, hand on knee appeared. And I stayed with her for quite a while; lazily adding color to her, slowly outlining her in raw sienna. It felt so decadent, like the two of us were conspiring; she on the wall and me leaning close as I painted. And when I got to her knees... well, another face appeared. And then a third.

And while I stayed in the space with this trio, I felt so connected to the paper. Like I could whisper all of my heart's secrets, fears and deepest desires to them and they in turn would whisper theirs back.

Once I backed away, the concern for how radically different the two weeks worth of paintings looked reared up pointing out that they may as well be two separate pieces. I'm getting better at telling the nagging of the fear gremlin from the urges of my intuition though. So despite the urge to cut the two apart and stick with this new imagery, I'm going to stay close to these three while the energy is there. And leave the hows and whys of connectivity for another day.

P.S. My musical tastes are all over the place, as some of you may know. For this painting, I'm just listening to whatever makes me feel good. Since I'm diving deep in to myself and my painting practice with this one, I'm trying not to let the music swing the mood on it too much. That being said, I cannot get enough of this song right now. So I wanted to share.

Opening up and Going DEEP

Some of you will remember that in Autumn I went on a painting adventure with Connie at Dirty Footprints Studio called DEEP. You may also remember that during that time, I was in one of the deepest, longest lasting boughts of apathy and depression I've had to deal with in a very long time. I wasn't alone in that cloud; other members of the group were having similar feelings and others lives were being torn asunder by health and finance issues. It was called to a halt for all of us to regroup, rest up and take the time we needed to heal up. Connie, because she is such a beautiful old soul, decided that she would host us all again in 2013 so we could take our journey together and really dig DEEP and form a long lasting, healthy and flourishing relationship with our painting practice. 

This is the first week of DEEP and it's already challenging me and forcing me to get over some things. I can say without a shadow of a doubt, that this is going to be one hell of a ride for me. One which I'm hoping will heal my heart and my mind, help me discover new things within myself and reconnect me with my spiritual path which, once again, I'm feeling a slight disconnect from. 

A lot has happened for me since we last circled up in the previous year. Finally kicked that big cloud of blah and apathy out the door after it sat on my back for months, have been painting like a mad woman, working through some lingering life-long health issues and am making a transition in my life: I turned 30 just 10 days ago.

And I would be lying if I said that this step in to a new decade was going swimmingly for me. It's my mildly embarrassing admission that despite my insistence that it's just a number and it won't change anything that it has stopped me in tracks and tossed me in to the mud a little bit as I worry for the first time in a very long time about how people perceive me. As if I have a big sign on my forehead that says 'This chick needs to GROW UP!'. It's like I'm overly concerned that the fun police are going to show up and make me hand over my crayons, my favorite t-shirts, make me turn down the music, go to bed at a reasonable time, bar me from my favorite stores at the mall, make me give up my friends int heir mid 20's and tell me it's high time I squeeze out a baby or three. Yikes!

And even as I type and realize how ridiculous that all sounds, these are all things that have caused me a fair bit of panic and distress as I've journeyed through these past few days. During this month, I've put off several things that are important to me, like working on my SouLodge work, to just sit with these feelings and try to dig myself back out of them. I've spoken with a few older women whom I love and trust deeply about this and they've all assured me it's perfectly normal and natural to have some sort of reaction to a big milestone in one's life, but not to let it destroy who or what I am. Because (their words, not mine) I'm fabulous and perfect right now and no number is going to define the things that make me so. And neither is whatever society thinks a 30 year old woman should be doing with herself, because it's none of their business anyway.

And so, when I opened up the DEEP email the other day and heard Connie's voice again for the first time in months, it was like being welcomed home with a big, huge giant hug that I desperately needed. And when she spoke about how much we all gave her last year and dedicated this to all of us beautiful, brave fearless painters it hit me right in the heart.

Then, she said... One Painting. ONE. Just one. For 6 weeks. And it won't stay the same, it will change and grow. One Painting. And I'll admit, I just cried. It terrified me to such a degree to hear that. The panic and the fear gremlin immediately descended upon me, freaking out that I was going to be changing up and painting over things for six weeks. I'm one of those people who gets very, very attached to their work - especially the intuitive work I've done since BIG. I have a 40+ hour painting on my easel that I've been working things out on this month and I'm not sure how I'd react if something happened to it. I might end up catatonic for all I know.

I very nearly closed the PDF and walked away, that's how strong the flight instinct was. Instead, I got up, grabbed a glass of water, took 3 incredibly deep breaths and sat back down to finish the video and keep reading. My word for the year, Brave, jumped up on to my shoulder and told me to do it because it scares me. And I was going to start painting that night, but I didn't. Something in my gut just told me to chill out and wait. I wasn't excited. It wasn't feeling juicy, so I wasn't going to do it.

Last night, I kept feeling this urge to slap up some new paper on the wall, which meant one of the other paintings had to come down. So I picked the dark, brooding piece I'd been working on and took her down. Poured myself a big glass of wine, turned my favorite Pandora station on, grabbed the first 5 colors that jumped out at me and just started.

I chose to just start with scribbles and shapes and focused on 'right now, just this' as I painted. One of the primary reasons that I listen to music while I paint is that it keeps me out of my own head, so I can't really over-think things or let my inner critic get too focused on what's going on with the painting. If she's busy dancing she can't tell me that she hates what I'm doing. And trust me, in this case, she would have. I mean really, look at all that pink! That's my least favorite color and this is so not my style, but I kept on. I wanted to see what else it had in store for me.

And as I painted for the two+ hours this took me, I just let whatever wanted to be on there get on there. The crow, the lamp. The red sky. A door emerged as I worked and once I put the pull on it, I felt like our session was ended. I stepped back to look at it and soak it in. That's very definitely a door. And crow is one of those animals that turns up in my life all the time - I see at least one every.single.day. I like to think she's one of my spirit guides and mentors. I'm trying not to think too hard on it, not to get too attached so that when it changes, I won't be too upset about it.

What I am taking away from this first session though, is that this adventure, this journey DEEP is exactly the medicine I need right now. That it mirrors my journey in to my 30's perfectly in that it is both terrifying and exciting for me. And that behind this door, with crow there to guide me, all sorts of magic awaits. Maybe it will be pretty. Maybe it will be ugly. But whatever it is, it will be what I need right here, right now.

Faces 10 -18

What was that I said in my last post about not wanting to share more than 5 or 6 faces at a time? Ah well, let's just chuck that notion straight out the window because I'd like to share what I've done up to this point so I don't get even more behind with the challenge.

This time, I worked less in my moleskine and more in my mixed media book and used a few different techniques, styles and mediums. Also, I'm pleased to say I've worked on quite a few male faces this week too! Some of them even look less like ladies - it's the little accomplishments, really.

I've really enjoyed playing around with all these different personalities and faces and hope you enjoy them:

This guy is just a quick anatomical sketch in the Moleskine. Just your run of the mill cheap-o ballpoint pen - aka, my favorite thing to use in my Moleskine. ;-) I'm trying to get more familiar and comfortable with the musculature of the human body so I can use it to help the figures in my paintings to flow a bit more naturally.


This is my interpretation of Rincewind from the magical land of Terry Pratchett's Discworld series. Rincewind is my favorite Wizzard and one of my favorite people riding around on Great A'tuin's back! He's cringing at the inevitable horrible thing that is lurking just around the corner as he prepares to use his super skills of running away once again! I decided to make his eyes my own interpretation of the color of magic: Octarine - a sort of greenish, purple, orangish color.


Just a little two color painting of some lovers. I suppose Valentine's Day went to my head a bit. These two were done up in watered down acrylics.


Went for quick and vibrant here. I think I succeeded!


A little Zetti-Inspired lady sketched in pencils and inked with markers. Markers are by far my least favorite medium. Ick.


A profile of a young man - he came from my head, not true life and I didn't use any references for him. I'm pretty pleased with his jaw line and the fact that I didn't make him more manly with a beard - my typical go-to cop-out response to attempting to draw more masculine men. He's done in mechanical pencil.


Everyone's favorite Gorgon, Medusa! This one was originally going to be just a quick sketch with a few touches of shading here and there. As you can see, she had other plans for me and soaked up a lot more time than I had originally anticipated. She too, was done entirely with a mechanical pencil.


I'm counting this grouping as two faces, per the different colored splatter on them. Not really sure where that came from, but as I doodled the faces on to the page, I felt they needed it. These folks were done with colored pencils.

A Very Merry Unbirthday to Me!

Feeling very Queenly in this picture!

Well loves, it's official. I need to change my profile from 20's to 30's - I'm officially in a new decade of my life. I'll be honest, it doesn't feel any different. At least, not yet. I keep hearing that the 30's are the best years and even my bestie who turned 30 in October said this has been the best year of her life so far, so we'll see where it goes.

The 20's were kicked out the door in truly mad, festive fashion because I threw myself a mad tea party to celebrate. I had an amazing time, surrounded by my friends - including Laura, my bestie of 26 years who flew in from NJ just for the night! She walked in the door and I completely lost my shit! Thank goodness the waterworks happened before I slathered on 20 pounds of makeup or I'd have been an even crazier looking hatter. ;-)

This lady flew 800 miles to see me for less than 24 hours. That's true love!

I sipped absinthe from a porcelain tea cup with "Gutter Slut" written on it in fancy script and sang and danced the night away in high style! It was hands down the best party I've ever thrown, our friends all had an amazing time, I felt like a mad Queen and as far as I know we escaped with a meager 1% of partiers awaking with hangovers!

When I woke in the morning to my official birthday, I had coffee with two of my favorite people on the planet. Who are also, apparently, better at surprises than I thought! Later in the afternoon we put Laura on a plane back to New Jersey and the cold icy weather and headed a bit further south to the shore, because I desperately needed to be at the ocean. It's been two years since I was last there, which is far too long for this witch!

***

Some of you may remember that on my 29th birthday, I created a list of 30 things I wanted to accomplish before 30. Well, sadly, I didn't even finish half of it. But that's O.K. because I'm going to keep working on it until I've checked them all off! So, here is my updated list, the things I've accomplished are in green:

Danni's 30 by 30 List
1. See a whale shark.
2. Fly a kite.
3. Be a healthy weight. - getting there!
4. Write a letter to myself to open in 10 years.
5. Get my passport.
6. Travel outside of the U.S.
7. Ride a horse.
8. Volunteer at an animal shelter.
9. Go to a drum circle.
10. Build a sheet fort.
11. Make a decision with a coin toss.
12. Have a Harry Potter movie-thon.
13. Ride in a hot air balloon. (For the record? I'm terrified of heights.) - bought tickets for this, have to set up a date!!
14. Complete a journal. - Almost there!
15. Lay out and watch cloud shapes.
16. Learn (or at least make a solid effort to learn) Spanish.
17. Go to a music festival.
18. Eat cake without using my hands.
19. Give belly dancing a shot.
20. Participate in the Color Run when it comes to Charlotte, NC.
21. Adopt a puppy.
22. Use a fake name at Starbucks - I go to Starbucks ALL THE TIME and in an entire year and multiple stores, not once has anyone asked my name!!

 23. Have a Red Dress photo shoot.
24. Put my toes in the ocean again.
25. Watch a meteor shower.
26. Stop caring and accept myself.
27. Be brave and bold hearted.
28. Paint my own version of Van Gogh's Starry night.
29. Sleep outside.
30. Be Happy - getting there!

***

Here are more pictures from the party. You know I have to share!

All these images are from the photobooth we set up in the house. Yup, photobooth!





My amazing cake made by my friend Jenn. I had originally asked for a plain white cake with some roses and red paint and she took creative control and I LOVED IT.

Faces 3-9

I'm playing a wee bit of catch-up with the 29 faces challenge. I'm up to date as far as the drawing of the faces is concerned, but I feel that posting more than 5 or 6 at a time will end up sort of cluttered. For this challenge, I'm working both in my small format mixed media sketchbook and my Moleskine and trying out different techniques and styles instead of sticking solely with what I know. I'm very pleased with some of these and others could definitely use a bit of improvement!

But that's the point of a challenge, right? To try out new things and get some practice in. So, without further ado, here are faces 3 - 9:

Black and Blue ballpoint pen, nothing fancy, in the Moleskine.

This is the Hubster watching TV. He kept moving and fidgeting and I haven't had practice drawing from life and not my head in years so it's not completely spot on in the look-a-like department but it's close! This one is done in plain old mechanical pencil on mixed media paper.

This one is oil pastel on mixed media paper. I put the light source beneath her to practice my shading a little bit, as shown by the sun shine in the lower corner. Shadows could be deeper, but I'm happy with her!

These two were drawn while listening to Marilyn Manson, in ballpoint pen in the moleskine. They have the lyrics to Coma Black and Coma White written in behind them.

Queen Danni the birthday girl! This one I drew on my birthday and is, once again, a picture I drew of myself with no looking. This one is a lot closer than the pen sketch I posted for face number 2. Again, oil pastel (a favorite of mine) on mixed media paper.

Thanks for following along as I undertake this challenge! As always, comments are appreciated.

Surfers and Sketches

On Sunday, I turned the big 3-0. To celebrate, not only did my friends and I get together for the best birthday party I've ever had (complete with my best friend of the past 26 years flying down from NJ to surprise me!) but the hubster and I went to the beach.

Yup, in February. Because it's warm as hell down here!

In between walking the beach in search of shells, getting soaked to the bone in the rain, sticking my toes in the fabulously chilly water and napping to the sounds of sea birds and waves I broke out my trusty moleskine to do some quick sketching.

Folly Beach is one of the best surf spots in South Carolina, which I was unaware of until we got there. So there were constantly surfers in the water, bobbing about waiting for the next wave to catch them. I loved watching them and doing some quick figure sketches of them! I've never seen so many of them in one place, especially on a rainy day. And let me tell you, this morning when we woke up it was pouring with a vengeance! But there they were, sitting on their boards looking like they were having a great time.

Also, there's face #2 for my 29 faces challenge: a quick sketch of myself that I'm none too pleased about as my proportions are way off. My face is a bit smooshed and it really doesn't look much like me at all but, that happens. There's always next time! I have a few more faces to share and will do so in my next post.

This little trip away from home, with the surf and the sand and the rain was exactly what I needed to clear my head and get in some much needed relaxation. It was the perfect way to slip into this new decade of my life.

WIP Wednesday and A Challenge

I'm about 26 hours in to my time with The Lady. I've been studying my trusty anatomy books and have added a circulatory system that still needs a bit of work. To shade or to make that nonsense glow? I'm not sure. I also reconstructed her jaw - the sharp pointy chin she had initially bothered me and I was a bit nervous about going in and broadening it. Not because of the shape, but all that shading was going to be lost and I'd have to blend it back in naturally.

I'm pleased to say that it went better than expected. Take that self doubt! Hah!

I'm honestly not sure how she'll progress from here or where we'll go together. There are so many of my emotions wrapped up in her, so many aspects of myself layed bare across the page... which isn't what I had intended but it happened.

And as if she wasn't absorbing enough of my time, another lady started buzzing around my brain yesterday morning demanding I put her to paper right now! She's a bubbly, energetic little thing and is being painted while I listen to vastly different music than her sister-in-painting. She's also an oddball size at 18" x 48".

******

I'm also starting a challenge (better late than never!), over at Ayala Art. It's time for 29 faces again and while I'm a few days late, I have no doubt I can catch up pretty quickly. I don't know if I'll post a face a day, a face every few days or what-have-you especially with my 30th birthday approaching this weekend and all the plans I've made for that but I can't resist a good art challenge! If you'd like to sign up, just click the image in my sidebar.

My first face of the challenge will, of course, be The Lady's. I am beyond pleased with how it's coming along and her eyes are the best I've done to date: