Gratitude (and the Siren Song of Kahlua)

As a grumpy ass teenager I can remember being all like 'Ugh... Thanksgiving. What the hell's the point of being grateful over a dead bird carcass? Why the hell do we commemorate a day of bamboozlement and the eventual slaughter of native peoples?' And well (and this may be the two too many White Russians talking right now) I still sort of feel that way. But on the flip side, as I've grown older (egads... I'm nearly 30!) and wiser (pffffft!) I've come to appreciate the small traditions (Macy's Day Parade!) and the break from reality to celebrate Thanksgiving.

Oftentimes in the day to day hustle and bustle, when things become overwhelming or stressful and when all I want to do is curl up in my bed and never re-emerge and deal with people again, I neglect to be grateful. To count my blessings and remind myself of all the things, big and small, that enrich my life. I get so caught up in the grumps and the darkness, which is sadly so familiar to me, that I forget to look at the bright and shiny bits. And so, tonight, with the help of my friends Vodka,Kahlua, and milk I'd like to take a few minutes to get all sappy like and enumerate the things for which I am glad. Yes, I have work in the morning - for twelve fucking hours at a bank on Black Friday with just a new guy for help - but I'm going to brush that off for now and revel in the moosh.

I am grateful for books; which I use both to learn and to escape and for fresh coffee which keeps me from strangling anyone.

I am grateful for my family, because even though they sometimes cause me great pains and headaches and heartaches my life would be more empty without them in it. I am who I am today, for better or worse, because of the memories, tests and trials I've been through with them. They are my roots.

I am grateful for my husband, who loves and supports me in everything that I do no matter how outrageous or ridiculous it sounds to him. For believing in me, for picking me up when I fall down, for healing me and for freeing me. If I ran away tomorrow to join the circus, came back a year from now and my only explanation was 'I needed to do it to find me' I have no doubt he would continue to love me and wrap me up in his arms. Yup, I'm one lucky, very loved girl.

I am grateful for my girlfriends who have known me and stood by my side, no questions asked, for over 20 years. No matter how far or long apart we are, we can always pick up exactly where we left off. Through good time and bad, through boy troubles, family issues, my self hurting and subsequent substance abuse, through moving away and falling off the face of the Earth, to hiking in my sacred spaces and beercations, these girls have stuck by me. I can't imagine who or where I'd be without them.

I am grateful for my furbabies, the kitties and the pup. They have taught me patience and compassion that I never thought myself capable of. They have shown me what it is to have a life rely on you completely for their survival and well being. Even with the pee issues, the resource guarding, training sessions and terrifying hospital stays I wouldn't trade them for anything.

I am grateful for tasty beer - not that yellow colored piss water - because, well, it's tasty. And I like beer. :)

I am grateful for my niece, who has helped my sister begin to be the woman she can and needs to be. She's so damn cute and I enjoy being a doting aunt as often as I can be!

I am grateful for art, which has saved and healed me more times than I can count. From the first time I held an implement of drawing at age 3 through holding my brush today, art has been as integral to my health and well-being as breathing. Which, I realize, may sound crazy to the outside observer but is absolutely true. If I go too long without creating, without expressing a feeling or exploring an idea on the paper in some form or another I feel unwell and get in to a funk that is hard to break out of. Art helps me to see myself from a wordless perspective; to put what I'm feeling out there, to purge the shit and the junk when I am unable to do so in words. It has helped me cope with horrific events and to immortalize happier times - all just for me, if I wish it to be so.

I am grateful for my best friend, Michael, who at this time last year was fighting cancer. I am thankful that he is still here to talk me out of (or in to) crazy things, for rubbing some of his ridiculous love of Christmas off on to me, to talk comics and movies with me and to be a shoulder to lean on when I need or want one. Given my penchant for affection and his aversion to it, we make a truly unusual pair, but for late night chats or opinions on honest assessments of myself, I wouldn't turn to any one else. He's like the bestest brother ever and I've never told him (because we're bros like that and he knows and would brush it off anyway) but I'm so happy that he kicked cancer's ass and is still my BFF after nearly a decade of putting up with my shit.

I am grateful for the sun, moon and stars over my head and the ground beneath my feet - for that is where my path is laid out and where my spirituality and stability derive from. All things which I need to know in order to grow and flourish can be found in the rhythms and patterns of nature. I am grateful for the Deities who have taken my hand and mussed my hair over the years, in whom I keep faith even when my faith in myself has burned low or out.

And last, but certainly not least, I am grateful for each and every one whom I call friend or family - every.single.one.of.you. Even if we don't talk or see each other as much as we'd like, you've all got a very special place in my heart. Without your wisdom, love and friendship throughout the years, I'd be a ship lost at sea. If it weren't for our talks and the support we've given each other over so many issues and ideas depression, mania or hopelessness may have settled in for a long stay.

And so, thank you. All of you, for holding me close, picking me up, listening and helping me stay the course as best I can in times troubled and bright. I love you all.

P.S. When my friend coffee kicks in tomorrow morning, I promise not to correct or delete any of this. Not a single letter.

DEEP and Dancing with Joy

Once more, I decided to walk the Fearless painting path with some of my painting tribe and Connie from Dirty Footprints Studio and signed up for the follow up to BIG, which I took in the summer.

This round of Fearless painting prompts and guidance urges us to take the plunge and go DEEP. Into ourselves, our paintings, our mysteries and our painting practices. We're into Week 4 already, but as I've been so wrapped up with the incredible experiences of working with these prompts and painting as well as day to day things and working through my shock and grief over Superstorm Sandy's devastation of New Jersey I haven't shared much here. I haven't shared much on the DEEP forums this time around either, like I did with BIG, but as I'm still processing some of the paintings and how they evolved and what they stemmed from... I'm not going to beat myself up over it.

That all said, I've carved out some time while Week 3's painting sits patiently on my wall, waiting for me to come add more to it (slowly, slowly are these paintings coming along, as you can tell if you caught that I said we're into Week 4, I'm working about a week behind.) I'm going to share my piece and process from Week 1. Connie prompted us to begin our journey through DEEP with a clear mind and to invite in Joy. She asked us to Begin as we wish to continue; powerful words that I'm trying to apply to day to day life as well.

So, here's Joy, with text (and comments) copied from my blog on the DEEP forum:

It was funny, starting out on Week 1's prompt which was to Begin as we wish to continue and to invite Joy into our paintings as I was not in the best of moods. I was suffering from a mild bought of depression and extremely stressed over work and when I finally had the opportunity to sit down and watch the video I turned it off when Connie said to do so if you weren't fulled present or were staring at the clock. She caught me - I was trying to cram it in before work and was looking at the video time and the clock going 'this is going to be cutting it close...'

And so, my paper hung on the wall for another day and I waited until I could be fully present to watch and to begin, rain clouds and all. And as soon as the video was over, I put on my current favorite Pandora radio station (Modern Folk) and closed my eyes to grab the first color. I do this frequently; let my hand randomly choose the color I'll be sketching in. I squirted the teal into the palette and just began to move my arm in time with the music, tapping my foot all the while. First a big swoop and a swirl, a big oval and some more swirls - out of the swoops and swirls emerged one chubby woman, shimmying to the music!

The fill colors I picked without a second guess; if my hand grabbed purple, I went with it. The same with yellow and red. As I was swooping across her body in purples,'I Will Wait' by Mumford and Sons came on and I remember dancing more than painting, singing along and whooping, slapping my thighs and dancing with the brush - I love to dance, I love to sing, especially with such moving music! It wasn't until the song ended and segued into something slower that I realized I had tears streaming down my face, dripping on to my chest and mingling with the paint on the palette. I went with it, let it go, bawled my eyes out until my breathing came ragged and my chest was heaving and when I was spent, I smiled. It was the strangest thing - the biggest grin spread across my face, my cheeks hurt, eyes swollen and I just started to laugh - not the sort of laugh that would lead anyone to think I was a nutcase (unless they had witnessed the tears and subsequent laughter maybe) but the sort of laugh that springs from the belly during times of great release.

This chunky goddess, with her big old belly, mismatched breasts and infectious smile gifted me with something - catharsis and Joy. If you asked me what I let go of in that moment, in those minutes of crying and laughing, I could not say for sure. But there was a decided weight removed from my shoulders and I spent the remainder of my time with her dancing and smiling, waving the paintbrush like a conductor and letting her direct the bright, crazy colors she called for me to use.

I haven't taken her off the wall to put up my new paper yet, because she's going to move someplace where she can shine her light on everyone in my home as often as she can. So when the rainclouds move in, we can catch her grin and smile back.

Comments from my tribe sisters, so I can keep and cherish them always:

Comment by Deborah
I don't know whether I like the painting or your description of painting more. They are both so filled with your life force, your exuberance, your shifts and turns and squeals and hip slaps. thank you for brightening my day.

Comment by Shauna
what a great description of your process and how this painting came to life. thanks for sharing it. truly your exuberance jumps out of this painting!

Comment by Cinda
Yes, Thank you the story of a fearless painter - Yes, indeed, you went with the flow and my fingers tingle just thinking about. She is beautiful - Thank you !!!!

Comment by Sharon
Thank you for sharing your journey with this beautiful goddess that you painted. Not only did it put a huge smile in my heart..your comment about not being a nutcase was priceless. I admire your willingness to allow and be with what was moving through you. I am reminded of the preciousness of being with what is....and the gift it offers.

Comment by Sharon
Danielle, I just wanted again to say thank you for sharing your heart. While painting this afternoon, I felt an opening in me....and I think your process (or what was released)....somehow helped me (you came to mind while it was happening). Since what we shift is "in the energy field" I felt lighter and open to paint differently.

Comment by Sarah
Yes... thank you...I remember back in those 10 minutes before Annies news I was just beginnig to dance but was really conscious i wanted to cry and was somehow stopping myself from really feeling because of a resistance to the tears...then the cancer shock and 3 days of tears.

One of my students started crying in the middle of a lesson this week ( I privately tutor kids mostly in primary school...help with maths /english/whatever comes up ..but mostly confidence...I always have all my art 'toys' with me )...by the end of the lesson we were painting the line "our tears are the water for the garden we grow" and he was feeling much better...(girlfriend issues!)

Comment by Melissa
Danielle, I fell in love with your dancing girl the second I saw her! She just radiates such joy it's incredible!! I love your honest sharing and am so thrilled that you ran the gambit of emotions and came out lighter and even more joyous. Your enthusiasm screams off the screen. I'm smiling so wide that my cheeks hurt! Thankyou so much for sharing so honestly. xx

Comment by Connie
DANIEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLEEE!!

Thank you for sharing your process--your heart--your open and amazing painting. I love that you have such a deep connection to music--and how it moves through you and aids your process in such a deep and transformative way. I love that you let yourself feel what you were feeling--but opened yourself and released all the junky junk too.

This is great stuff women--and thank you for honoring your own process by not cramming it in. You are worth every moment of your glorious life--live more--cram less!

BIG Hugs,
Connie

Honoring Something Different This Samhain

It was with a heavy heart that I sat before my altar last night, with images of my beloved New Jersey torn asunder sitting firmly in my mind. While my loved ones are all safe and accounted for (thank the gods), places where so many memories were made were washed out to sea, never to be the same. The places where I spent summers in shore towns, my only family vacation to my beloved beautiful asbury park, the weekends spent in shitty motels right out of high school, birthday weekends, my first fledgling attempts at photography, that damned belly button piercing, trips to Atlanic City with my mom when I was younger, the place I threw a bottle into the ocean with a note to the man I love, with a note of sentiment for the sea to carry to him while he was in another country sorting himself out. Heartbroken, I remembered the places that had cleansed my soul, healed my heart and brought calm and joy to my life numerous times. I felt torn, useless for not being there and not being able to do anything from so far away but donate blood and money.

I very nearly walked away from my altar, candles unlit and nothing said. But I didn't, I couldn't. I turned and lit my candles despite the heaviness in my heart, welcomed the elements and praised Hecate and Hermes. As I did, I felt more energized than I had in days - prickles of pins and needles traveled from the top of my head to the soles of my feet. I lit another candle for my homeland, for the memories that are now gone, for the people who lost so much and I let some of it go; left some of it at the end of the Wheel's last cycle and took a step, a little lighter in to the new one. What I have to offer, right now, all that I can do to help - is enough.

Being one who celebrates the people who have passed on in my life on Dia de Los Muertos, I chose to honor the history, dreams, memories and lives lost to that hateful storm. I thanked the far off crippled shoreline for all it had done for me with the last remnants of the water I gathered there under the full moon on my third anniversary. My usual Samhain workings came after. Though tired, I lit a black candle and burned away the things I wish to leave behind in the old year and a white candle to attract the things I wish to call to me in the new one. Finally, I sat with my faerie oracle deck for a while, pulling three cards. I didn't pull a full wheel of the year reading as I normally do; I was too drained to focus well.

Seems I need to be wary of what I hear this coming year; of gossip and messages mangled and mixed. Or is this wee Fae simply bearing my messenger god's greetings to me? Either way, the beginning of this new turn will be heralding in a shift in several of my perspectives, a lot of introspection and deep work and hopefully - an arrival to a place of true renewal and healing.

Blessed Samhain, lovelies.