Gaia

Born from Chaos, it is said that Gaia was one of the first being created from the Darkness. From her came Uranus (sky), Pontus, (sea) and Ourea (mountain).

Taking Sky as her consort, she began to give birth to the first life to walk upon her. She also took Sea to her as well, and from their union sprang the wonders of the Sea. She is the beginning of all life here on Earth, Mother to all living beings who take shelter and sustenance upon her. She is none other than Mother Earth herself.

It's taken me a bit longer than I expected to finish her up, but she's finally read to show off. So here she is, my latest depiction of our Momma Earth:

She is done in watercolor and the second full Earth Goddess I've worked on to date.

Let Go

Things are getting less heavy over here and I'm starting to move forward on a new, healthier path for myself. I took the time last week to talk to a handful of friends about what was bothering me; I let everything and then some just go and flow like water that's been damned up. More than likely I dumped more about my past into their laps than any of them expected, some things they may have already guessed at from previous chats and posts and others were dumped unceremoniously at their feet like a carcass that you've come to terms with but still carry with you. Some down right ugly things came to light but there were also triumphs revealed, because I'm a survivor. And while I'm not a braggart and am even a bit on the self conscious side, I won't deny the strength within myself.

The outpouring of love and stories was nearly overwhelming, just from the people who I really got into the dirt with over it. While each of our lives has been unique and our troubles different, we hear each other and we understand. There's a kinship that can be rooted up amongst the shit and the muck, a strength and a wisdom that is found that tempers thought and action with compassion. While I haven't met some of these women face to face there is a real bond of friendship between us, the sort where blunt honesty is all we are willing to offer up. The advice I was given rang deep within me and I know in my heart that it was just an echo of what I already knew; let go. Maybe not forever, maybe not completely but grab to that mantra you've used for nearly two years and let it set you free. As a wise sister friend said, love shouldn't hurt. Right now, it does.

And so I'm working on gaining distance, on letting go. I'm working on being kind to myself and only being around people who make my heart happy. (Except at work, we can't pick and choose which branch of the public comes in on any given day.) The key from here on out is to love my family but not to let their mistakes and their shit catch me up and drag me down into the whirlpool with them. To learn to watch from the outside and not let my empathy nor my desire to fix everything overwhelm me and throw me into depression anymore. This will not be an easy path to walk, nor will I reach the end soon. I've been the rock and the fixer for far too long. Yet it is one I must walk, because just surviving these storms isn't enough anymore. With my lantern held high, my sisters and spirits at my back - I'm walking.

Just a wee musical gem for you all; one of my (many, many) favorite songs.

Work In Progress Wednesday - Gaia

Working on a new Gaia painting. This is the sketch that I'll be painting over the next few days. Sorry about the annoying watermarks, my stuff's been showing up around the intertubes cropped so my single watermark is missing and uncredited, so this is what I'm doing now. *le sigh* I also didn't post the completely cleaned up scan for that reason, in case anyone is curious about the weird white smudges.

Once she's painted, I'll be offering a limited run of prints. The Etsy shop is closed right now while I decide if I'd like to continue to use them, so I'll most likely be doing orders via email for her with paypal invoices and such so I can skip the middle man. Just an F.Y.I, since some of you have asked if and when I was going to be offering up new Momma Earth art. ;)

P.S. Thank you all for your encouraging words, thoughts and prayers. It means so much to me that so many people from all over this beautiful Earth are looking out for and thinking of me. This isn't going to be a simple or quick journey, but I know I'll make it through no matter what may happen. Sometimes just the writing and venting can be cathartic. Thank you all for listening and for being there. *hugs*

Finding Forgiveness

All around me the sun is shining, casting its cheerful eyes on all that lies below it. The flowers soak it up, the foxglove and roses swelling under its sight. Squirrels dart to and fro, baby birds chirp the songs of the newly born and temporarily blind, the bees buzz about sounding very much like wee helicopters yet despite being enveloped and surrounded by all of these things, I sit apart. I've sat apart for the past two days, lingering somewhere between fine, sad and angry.

Hurt once more by a little girl who I have loved and cared for over the years, I feel betrayed and at my wits ends. The news has left me angry and shaking, ready to drive as far as I need to in order to meet face to face and scream my head off. The sounds of the newborn babies inflame my feelings and I don't know whether to laugh my fool head off in a state of temporary madness or cry until my chest aches and there's nothing left inside of me. That this has been put on me, that I am once more 'a secret keeper' is too much for me to bear, especially coming not from the sister who caused it but from another.

I run letters through my mind, the first draft being filled with words of hatred, disgust and disowning. The second filled with less venom but just barely. She's so young,her head space is so fucked up. I know the mistakes of her youth will become regrets in old age; in time she will realize how much she needs me - do I sit here quietly and wait? This is why I moved, to distance myself, to detach and live my own life. So far so good, but this is so deep and heavy and painful. I stew and I sit and I think. The spring heat grows stagnant around me.

Inside I petition Artemis for her help, I give her the blood, wine and honey she asks for in exchange for watching out for the innocents. She gives me her ascent and instructions for the future. I sit before Ganesha, filling the room with incense and candlelight, I ask him to help me find the right way. I put his pendant around my neck and feel his strong, gentle presence around me. He tells me the path will not be easy nor short, that I must be clear minded and strong - ready for the future hurts, anger or falling apart of things that may lie before me. Silently, I nod as the tears fall once more. The things I've fought for and patched up over the past twelve years may be torn down around me by no fault of my own, I question if I'm strong enough to pick up the pieces yet again. There is no doubt that I have to be strong, but this time I need to be strong enough for just myself. To pull myself out the other end and not let it ruin me again.

The sun shines around me, illuminating the hurts and the lies but not the path to take, nor the solace and peace to forgive and pick my chin up. That can only be found in the soft dark embrace of night. And it is there that I will seek it. For if I cannot find the strength to forgive, then I will keep hurting. The time has come to really let go.

Work in Progress Wednesday - Sketches and A Frog

I sometimes like to share my processes as far as creating my stuff goes. So here are my two most recent sketches, you may recognize the gnome riding a snail from another sketch I did a while back. The difference is this one is on watercolor paper so he's ready to be painted. The one in my sketchbook would have turned mushy if I had attempted to paint him. *sigh*

As you can see, I sometimes doodle in the margins. When I go to paint, the margins will be filled with paint samples as I test my mixes.

The other sketch you see here is a work up of a wise old goblin shaman. As some of you know, the creature of faery most often on my brain is indeed of the green skinned variety. I can't help it, I love them.

And speaking of goblins...

She's all felted! A friend of mine gave me some advice on how firm she should be (like a well done steak) which really helped me out. I've been felting everything to be much too squishy but not this time! Overall, she's taken 14 hours. She has merino skin in earth tones and her hair is a blend of wool, mohair and sparkly fibers. I plan to work on some clothing for her from bits of deer hide and maybe some silks. She's also going to be a shaman of sorts (holy theme week, Batman!).

And finally, a painting that was sketched out nearly a year ago. Better late than never, right?

This is 'The Frog Prince'. Done in watercolors at a size of 5"x7", this was my first foray into the use of masking fluid, which I used to keep the highlights and firefly bums clean while I painted the rest of the picture. I'm not sure how I like it, because it's gloopy and application wasn't as smooth as I'd hoped but it definitely got the job done!

That's about all I have in the works right now, aside from gathering fabrics and cutting squares for one of those twirly circle rainbow skirts. I'm not really very patient when it comes to sewing, but for whatever reason I've decided I need to make one. So I'm currently gathering and cutting 136 color coordinating squares. Oh boy.

And this is all on top of working extra hours, weeding (the never ending chore!), laying down new mulch, helping the dude put up a new fence around and move 10 tons of gravel into the vegetable garden to replace the old wood mulch. Free time? What's that? ;-)

What are you working on this week?

Personal Deities: Ganesha

Lord of beginnings and destroyer of obstacles, Ganesha came into my life when I was in sorry shape - my family life was falling apart, my friendships were precarious, I was self hurting and drinking far more than I should have been. I was in desperate need of a change.

One hot summer night meandering the booths at a fair, I came across a shop with all manner of statues and tapestries of a Celtic style. I browsed and nothing caught my eye at first but there among all of those swirling knots and long haired beautiful Gods, sat one very different figure. He called to me as soon as I saw him and I paid two days wage for him (remember when $5 was the legal limit on minimum wage?) carrying this elephant headed fellow home ever so carefully.

Placing him on my nightstand, I slept soundly for the first time in what seemed like forever and the next day began to research who he was. Having been a follower of the Greek pantheon, the Hindu gods were completely new to me and I lost myself in the research and learning. I offered up sweets and devotions to Ganesha and felt only warmth and joviality in return.

You can't tell from the photo, but his trunk is worn to a much lighter, reddish shade from my rubbing it. No idea why I do it, it's just always felt right.

That was thirteen years ago. Ganesha has moved with me from home to home and my original icon has been joined by two smaller ones who live in different areas of the house as well as a pendant. My main one, however, resides in the heart of our home on my mantle - he is our main house Deity. Every day as I walk past him I stop and offer him my thanks and my love, dusting him off and running my finger down his trunk. I often burn candles and incense for him in devotion and if there are sweet things being made, he always receives the first piece. My devotion to him brings me nothing but happiness and just sitting with him or wearing his charm, fills me with love and a sense of peace. He helps me to understand that nothing is static and even the biggest obstacles and challenges, the most seemingly impossible situations can be overcome and changed.

Some folks may find it odd that I work with this particular deity, being as how I'm not a follower of the Hindu faith. But as an eclectic Pagan, I choose to work with those deities who tap me on the shoulder, call my name and fill me with knowing. Ganesha has been a part of my life longer than I have had a name for my beliefs, I've been with him longest of all the Gods, save Artemis and Hermes.

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About:

The name Ganesha is broken up into two parts - 'gana' meaning follower of Shiva and 'isha' meaning lord, making Ganesha the lord of the Ganas - followers of Shiva.

The elephant headed Hindu deity Ganesha is the god of success and the destroyer of obstacles, vanity and pride. He is also worshipped as the god of wisdom, education, the arts and science.

He is a loving and benign deity who you can invoke to overcome dificulties, to see you through on a journey, when making business decisions, for inspiration or when you could just use a little luck in your life.

Mythology

He is a god rich in symbolism and mythology. The story of how he came by his unusual head is one of the most popular, there are several versions so this is just a paraphrasing of one:

While her husband Shiva was away, the Goddess Parvati, wished to have undisturbed privacy during her bath. As such, she created a son for herself from paste on her body and set him at the entrance to her private chambers with the instructions that no one was to enter.

The boy, true to his word, refused entrance to Shiva when he returned. Growing increasingly incensed at his being blocked by this boy (who he didn't realize was his son), Shiva lopped off the boy's head and tossed it away! Emerging from her bath, Parvati was overcome with such anger and sorrow that she threatened to destroy the heavens and the Earth for her son.

Acting quickly to pacify his wife, Shiva sent his followers into the forest, telling them to bring back the head of the first creature they encountered. They returned with the head of an elephant and Shiva attached it to the boy's body, breathed life back into him and gave him the name of Ganesha. Overjoyed, Parvati and her son embraced.

Symbolism

Large Head - Wisdom, big ideas and a keen ability to make discriminating decisions.

Big Ears - Good Listener, able to hear any and all prayers and ideas no matter how small.

Broken Tusk - Duality, the full tusk representing wisdom and the broken (left) tusk representing emotion. It is said Ganesha broke off his tusk to use as a stylus to finish copying a dictation - finish what you start.

Trunk - Adaptability, flexibility, the ability to be strong or gentle depending upon the situation.

Big Belly - Sometimes said to contain the world or all of the emotions there-in. The ability to face and digest all emotions and situations, pleasant or not, in a peaceful manner.

The Mouse - Ego, desire. Often seen riding atop the mouse's back, or with the creature small at his feet this symbolizes Ganesha's control over his egos and desires, that he does not allow them to control him but rather he controls them. The mouse shows that thought controlled, they are always present.

There are so many more symbols and stories about this particular deity, so many names and aspects to him that I can't possibly go over them all here. If you're interested in learning more about Ganesha, A quick internet search will yield more reading than your eyes can handle in a day.

A Fairy's Eye View

I wondered what a wee one would see as they wandered about the weed patch yard. So I crept about with my macro lens and attempted to view things through the eyes of a fairy.

I took a ton of shots, all on auto focus because I couldn't quite scrunch myself up small enough to use the viewfinder to see and focus. All of these photos were a delightful surprise for me.

What a magical place the patches of wood sorrel and clover become, when viewed from a different perspective. Even the garden spider, who was ever so tiny to me, became extremely large when viewed through different eyes.

A lesson today; change your perspective and try to view things from another's point of view. You may be surprised by a renewed sense of wonder and the beauty of the world when you shift your point of view!