A Eulogy for Old Amber

Where once you stood lies naught but sticks and stones,
yet some recall that you were once a magnificent home,
nestled in the quiet woods of Northern New Jersey.

In Autumn some four year ago, I made your acquaintance.
Timidly stepping through your broken door,
I set foot on creaky floors and beheld your magnificent ruin.

The second of your kind that I visited with serious intention,
camera in hand and prepared for anything I came to you,
and you taught me things that cold day.

You told me that Nature is an unyielding mistress,
she will take back that which man tore from her.
You showed me how fickle both shadows and man can be,
that beauty can be found even amongst decay and rubble.

To you Old Amber, Old Friend I raise a glass!
In thanks for the lessons of lens and curiosity you taught,
and to fare thee well as we may never meet again.

Taken to the dirt, soon to be lost to time.
Thank you for the lessons and experiences,
I will miss you, dear friend.


******
Old Amber was one of the first abandoned places I photographed while living in New Jersey, a love I have been unable to pursue here in South Carolina due to a lack of places to visit (that aren't old trailers or highly policed.) It was a once beautiful mansion nestled in the woods of Walpack and it taught me a lot about composition and lighting as I tried to figure out digital vs film photography. A friend informed me today that it was recently torn down and my hear aches a bit, though I knew it was inevitable given its increasingly dangerous state of decay. Maybe one day, when I go home again, I'll visit the site one last time.

In the Darkness

In the darkness, the nightmares come. The things that scratch and chase, the feeling of unease and fear. The ghosts of the past, the pain and occasionally, death himself appear in the nightime carnivalesque horror show of black, grey and red. I fall and run and scream and yet I am never far ahead of my pursuers.

In the darkness, there is unfathomable sadness. I ride the waves of the dark seas, curled up and lonesome in my tiny vessel waiting the approach of an unseen shore. The cloak of depression wrapped tightly around myself, the only thing I know for sure to be real.

In the darkness, the bats fly through the blackened sky, silhouettes amongst the moon. Dogs bay in the distance, rustling in the bushes; a goblin or something worse lurks unseen and watching. And yet, when I look skywards, there among the all encompassing inky blackness of the sky; there are stars. Balls of burning gas light years away, bright beacons of hope.

In the darkness, I wind my way through the thorns and twisting paths to the land of the Crone and of the dark goddesses. Seeking wisdom and guidance. 'Do not fight the Dark', is all they say, 'for it has different lessons than those of Day.' I am comforted in this darkness and lean into in, letting it envelop me and breathing deeply, allow the truth of this place to overtake me.

In the darkness, there are dreams. I fly high above the Earth as a bird, swim deep beneath the seas and discover its mysteries without fear of suffocation. I find the strength to turn and face the things of my nightmares, to plant my feet firmly and hold my own ground. The colors of the world return, vivid blues and greens shining like gemstones. There are battles won in the darkness of my dreams.

In the darkness, the blackest seas end and I find there The Black Wolf waiting for me on the shore. The sadness doesn't dissipate, it shifts and changes broadening into something profound. Placing my hand on his warm fur, I allow the Black Wolf to lead me further inwards; into the grotto of myself. I surrender to the feelings and experience them without reservation until I become numb. Until the pain and the sadness has ended. The Black Wolf nudges me forward from my hibernation, wet nose bringing on the pins and needles of emotion. I emerge from the cave into the arms of the Torch Bearer, renewed and refreshed. In the darkness of depression I find solace in myself.

In the darkness, I watch the bats dance among the twinkling stars with childlike elation. These creatures of the night have always meant so much to me for reasons I cannot fully explain and my heart soars when I see them. The goblins rustle in the brush and I offer them beer and bread to keep their tricks to themselves. I sit quietly in the darkness, listening to Mother Night and her creatures. There are songs that are only sung here, in the darkness.

In the darkness, I am challenged.
In the darkness, I discover truth.
In the darkness, I am renewed.
In the darkness, I find hope.


******

I was diagnosed with depression in my teens after being dragged unwillingly to a hosital and beat myself up for a long time because I felt broken. I felt like there was something terribly wrong with not being care-free and happy all the time. Like the darkness was a blight and a mark of shame to be carried with my head down like a giant cross on my back. I self hurt for nearly a decade, letting the physical pain distract from the anguish of the fighting within myself. The years passed and I finally stopped fighting the cycles, I let myself be carried out to sea and allowed the black waters to wash over me. In time I dragged myself ashore, with battle scars aching, triumphant and finally able to accept the darkness within myself.

I find happiness and warmth in the light, I find comfort and renewal in the dark. They both reside inside of me and in all of us, each having a unique cycle of their own. Depression is a part of me, but I no longer suffer from it.



******

A gift of sorts to you, my loves. This song is like pure fucking magic and I belt it out while spinning 'round feeling weightless, dark and super nova beautiful.



ETA: Thank you for your concern dear ones. I no longer self hurt and right now I'm in a good place. This post started as me pondering over what to write for this week's Pagan Blog Project post for the letter 'D' and when I thought about doing a post on 'Darkness' the words just came tumbling out, like a confessional of sorts. I was initially going to write about 'Deity' or 'Diana', but as you can see, my heart had other intentions.

Moon Magic, Sniffles and Money

Offerings of rum, wine, apples and roses.

New moon is a time of new beginnings, a time when light is just starting to peer forth from behind the dark moon's shroud. The lady of wisdom and the underworld, mother of witchcraft, the crone goddess makes way for the maiden to shine her new light on the nights of the world. But this is still the dark lady's time, at least for one more night.

I offer her up praise, adoration and appreciation. For my soul sister, my blood sister and the children I so love; I work my magics, planned and thought out from full moon to new moon; a banishment and binding and an invitation and opening up. When one thing must leave, another must fill its place. I offer fruits and liquors to the spirits, the fae and the dark lady herself. Worn out, I sit with the fae a while and ask them what I must know from this moon cycle to the next, they offer me a jovial reading, filled with laughter, magic, faith and inspiration.

******

This morning I woke up with my umpteenth cold of the season brewing nastily in my head. My sinuses are swollen, my throat feels tight and sore and I can occasionally hear the ocean in my left ear. The weather has been crazy here and I blame my repeated ailments on the constant change from hot to frigid as well as the fact that I work in a bank and handle gross money all day. I'm chugging water and lemon and honey spiked tea like it's my job but as is usually the case with my colds, I'm sure nothing I do will expedite its departure.

So here I am, all congested and wishing I could just curl up on the couch with a book and a magically refilling pot of tea instead of dealing with the public perusing blogs (which I have been a bit lax about lately) and happened across this one by Aine, in which she discusses her birthday and reflections on the changes she has undergone throughout the years. In it she briefly touches on her attachment to money, which stuck out to me; probably because as a bank teller I deal with people, their money and their various relationships to it on a 'more frequently than I'd like' basis.

The folks I deal with are typically in two camps; a) I want more money so I can keep up with the Joneses or b) I want more money to pay for my overdrafts and debts because I don't want to live within my means. These two classes of folks are a total mystery (and often times throughout my work day - infuriating) to me. My relationship with money from the time I was a child has been, 'Spend what you need to, save what you can. If you can't afford it, you don't need it'. I grew up in a household without a lot of money, I wouldn't call us poor but I wouldn't call us middle-class either. My parents both worked full-time and we rarely saw them together. We had a roof over our heads and food in our bellies and clothes one our backs (from the 1980's equivalent of Wal-mart, but still.. clothing.) We even got to go on the occasional family outing; to the zoo, to a museum, etc. We didn't have fancy clothes, shiny new cars, a McMansion or those much anticipated family vacations to places like the Grand Canyon but we didn't want for anything.

As an adult, my relationship to money is simple: I have enough to get by, but I'd like just a little more so I can stop worrying about if x,y or z will throw my bills off at the end of the month. Which is why I have a job. I'm lucky enough to know that I don't need to work. It's a blessing that I don't take lightly, but I also don't take our lingering student debt lightly either. I want it gone and sooner rather than later and so I go to work. I want us to be comfortable and not just to get by. Comfortable to me being; we can turn the heat up or down to be comfortable without worrying about the heating bill overly much, we can go on trips home or elsewhere every so often and get away for a few days, we can afford to pay extra for organic non GMO food and put things that are good for us in our bellies instead of just what we can afford, we can have reliable transportation and we can afford to make our home more self sufficient. (Which you may be surprised to learn, sometimes costs a bit to get started on.)

While this is my personal idea of comfort and while my attachment to money is one of simplicity, I would never begrudge someone their own ideals about it. If you're comfortable, responsible and happy - awesome! Unless of course your lifestyle is detrimental to the health of the planet - my inner environmentalist always trumps my inner non-judgementalist. That being said, if you're living outside of your means and you come up to me today and complain that you didn't spend your money (yet, when asked 'did you spend x amount here?' say 'yes') or that I shouldn't charge you fees for over drafting or paying your loans late (as if I personally sit at work hitting a big red button that says 'FEES!'.) then dear public, prepare for me to sniffle, roll my eyes and have no sympathy for your plight because while I normally can fake giving a fuck, my sinuses are swollen and I'm not allowed to keep tea at my desk and all of today's flying fucks will be given to those who don't make me feel more icky.

*Random post is a bit random. Sorry loves.*

How Divination Brought Me Here

Ages old and used in many forms by many cultures, divination is still extremely popular today. Perhaps you've dabbled here and there with Victorian versions, such as peeling an apple into a single slice and tossing it over your shoulder to look for the first initial of your true love? Maybe you've used a fortune teller machine at the boardwalk or had your palm read at a fair? You may also read cards, use a pendulum, or divine signs from clouds, smoke or fire.

For me, divination was the door that opened and helped me begin to walk the path that had been unfolding in my heart since youth. As a young child I felt inclined to spend my afternoons in the woods, tracking animals, burying the dead when I found them, talking to trees, collecting rocks and making mud potions. As an older child (a tween, I suppose) I began to worship the Greek pantheon, in my own way, after devouring at least two dozens books on differing ancient mythologies. I built shrines, painted and continued my outdoor adventures and rituals, never knowing what exactly to call myself. When I entered my teens and religion became something folks discussed on occasion, I would say - I believe in something, but can't put my finger on what to call it exactly.

Then, when I was fourteen, something new was introduced to my path. A friend (who I later lost from my circle due to teenage stupidities) gifted me with a deck of Universal Waite Tarot cards. And they were magnificent. The images on them were gorgeous, softly colored and expertly drawn. The pattern of stars on the back delighted and captivated me; I was enamored of them. I immediately began to methodically memorize the 'little white book' (as many first timers do, I'm sure) and following my friends advice, stuck only to the major arcana. After a while, I deviated from the book with my readings, I would spread the cards out on my bed, draw one or two and make note of them in my huge notebook or ask the cards yes or no questions, shuffle and then turn them over, putting them into piles of right side up and reversed; more reversed meant 'no', more right side up meant 'yes' and an equal number meant they couldn't say.

This went on for a year or so and then I began to want to know more. I began working with the full set yet I hungered to learn new spreads and found that a lot of the cards didn't resonate well with me; their meanings in the book and the feelings they gave me didn't sync up. I hit the libraries (we had *just* gotten dial-up internet, so that was the slooow method of learning) and began to devour books on reading tarot. And the more I read, the more this one word kept popping out at me; 'Wicca'. Being curious, I began to read books on that subject and while it didn't exactly fit with my own feelings, it was closer than I had ever been to giving a name to my beliefs. From there I went on to learn more about other forms of paganism and witchcraft and it led me to here; 15 years later. All because of a set of tarot cards.

Divination still factors into my path today, though I have no strong knack for reading the tarot these days. I fell out of practice right around the end of high school and they sat unattended for many years. Now, when I pick them up I no longer feel intuitively connected to them; it's as if we've had a falling out. I'm making attempts to repair our connection but it has most definitely been a slow moving process. I've tried other sets of tarot cards while working this out, but to the same end. The cards, while beautiful, don't sing for me the way that they used to.

That being said however, I've had tremendous success in reading the heart of faerie oracle deck I picked up on a whim a while back. Each day I pull a card and read with them at each new moon; asking what I need to keep in mind during the coming cycle. Sometimes I do a larger reading because something tugs at me to do so.

For quick yes or no questions these days, I use my pendulum. As it is made of red variegated agate, I will sometimes carry it in my pocket if I'm having a day when I'm not feeling so hot or when my eye condition is flaring up.

On occasion, I also read tea leaves, which I find to be both tasty and fun. I drink my tea down to nearly the last drop (which involves a fair amount of slurping!) then give the cup a good swirl, three times round, before turning it upside down onto a plate. I flip the cup back over and look at the shapes the tea leaves have formed and how they relate to each other. Typically, I don't focus on anything in particular when I do this - I just let them say whatever they feel the need to say. Thus far I have never seen a Grim. ;)

So loves, now you know a bit more about my relationship with divination and how it plays into my path. How about you? How did you come into it? What forms do you prefer?

As a bonus, have any of you a falling out with a form, where it no longer seemed to work for you? Were you able to repair it or did you need to let it go?

Oh, Magical Sea Life

My trip to the aquarium on my birthday far surpassed what I had expected it to be. Having always been an avid lover of and devotee to the sea, the creatures that live within its waters have always fascinated me. Any chance I get to visit a reputable aquarium, particularly ones that do rescue and recovery, I go.

The aquarium in neighboring Georgia is said to be one of, if not the, largest in the world. It is home to many species of animal I've not had the chance to encounter before, including whale sharks and beluga whales. For those who don't know, I have been obsessed (I am not exaggerating) with sharks for as long as I can remember. When I first had access to the local and school libraries I would take out stuffy science books about them while other kids picked up "Clifford the Big Red Dog" (mind you, I liked him an awful lot too!) and Shark Week was an event in our house. An event meaning, if it was Shark Week we had better be watching shark programs. So, knowing full well that it was an achievable goal, I stuck "see a Whale Shark" at the top of my 30 by 30 list.

I'm not sure what I was expecting to feel when I first saw one. Perhaps a giddiness akin to Christmas morning? Maybe a sense of awe at how impressive they are? Whatever the feelings stirring inside of me may have been, they moved me to tears and I sat in the big viewing room at the aquarium, surrounded by children and strangers and cried a little. It was indescribably moving for me; the sharks were unimaginably beautiful. That isn't to say the others that we saw weren't, but for me seeing these magnificent animals was like the fulfilling of a childhood wish. The only thing that may have moved me more would be seeing real life dinosaurs, but we've all seen Jurassic Park and know how that would end.

So without further rambling, here are a few more photos of my magical aquarium trip:

Penguin


Beluga Whales

Pacific Jellyfish

Manta Ray

A rare Danni-fish.

There are a bunch more photos if anyone is feeling nosey or wants to see these ones larger. Just go to the Flickr set here.

Of Wax and Wick: Candles

The simple candle; wax and wick, scent and color. A versatile item, used often in my practice and my every day life. Around my house, you'll see them in seasonal colors on the mantle, tea light lanterns in the bedroom and living room and several large scented candles that I burn on occasion. In the kitchen, you'll find a particularly large herb encrusted candle that I burn while cooking or cleaning.

I often burn candles to invite the light in, especially when I'm feeling depleted or depressed. Sitting and focusing on the flame, I'll look for shapes and signs or slowly close my eyes and let the warm glow carry my thoughts off and leave my mind resting and calm. I find meditating on the flame or the scent of a candle to be soothing. I almost always have one burning when company comes over, although if you asked me why I feel the need to do this I couldn't give you a straight answer as my reasons are quite varied: to set a mood, to promote harmony and warmth, to burn away negativity or bad feelings, the ward off harmfulness and gossip to name a few.

When it comes to my magical workings, candles are almost always involved. On my altar there is always the main candle, which I use to light other candles in ritual as well as to read the cards and makes notes by. I light candles as a simple daily gesture to the Gods, Elements and spirits. At each new moon I burn a black candle and at each full moon I burn white; typically there is nothing else aside from divination done on these nights. For each sabbat, I burn candles in devotion to the Gods and to celebrate the season and associations of the celebration.

In my cabinet you will find a large collection of tea lights and chime candles in varying colors that I use for simple petition magic; to send healing, to promote protection, to share passion. Along with these smaller candles are larger ones that I use when I have a more serious desire or need to work towards. These larger ones will often be inscribed with symbols, dressed in oils or rubbed down with herbs to help focus and boost my intentions. When I dress the candles, I pick the point on the candle that represents myself (typically the wick end) and dress from that point outwards to send things from me and dress from the outside towards that point to attract my desires. In my path, the candle runs the gamut from a simple devotion to a powerful magical tool.

How do candles play into your path or everyday life?

P.S. Since I missed last week's "C" post for the Pagan Blog Project, I thought I'd share the colors I like to use in candle (and color) magic. Please note, you may not associate the same colours with the same things as I do and that's O.K. That's the beauty of walking our own individual paths.

White: An all purpose color that I use to balance out black in banishment rituals (to draw something in to fill the void), in devotions to the Goddess, the Moon and to add a little extra something to spells. The Maiden Goddess, Purity and Cleansing.

Pink: Love, harmony, tenderness and compassion.

Red: Passion, Sexuality, Fire, Strength, Confidence, the Mother Goddess.

Orange: Happiness, Harvest, Energy.

Yellow: Air, Life, Vitality, The Sun, Hope and Joy.

Green: Healing, Prosperity, The Green Man and Woman, Nature, and Earth.

Blue: Water, Calm, Creativity, Cleansing, Soothing, Communication.

Purple: Third Eye, Clairvoyance, Wisdom, Spirituality, Warding off Nightmares.

Brown: Earth, Grounding, Stability, Forest Spirits (often alongside green) and Protection.

Black: Banishment, The Crone Goddess, The Underworld, Absorbs negativity, protection and purification.

P.P.S. Happy birthday to me! Only 365 days until I am officially out of my 20's. Plans for today include a trip to Atlanta and checking 'See a whale shark' off of my 30 by 30 list. :)

366 Days of 20

At roughly 5:00am tomorrow, I will begin the last year of my 20's. For some of my friends, who have or are about to reach this age, it's been a source of major stress and sort of a big deal. A fact which has made me feel like maybe I'm missing something, since it seems like any other birthday to me. Am I sad to be leaving my 20's at the end of this year? At present? Nope. I made the jump from childhood to adolescence and from adolescence to adulthood without much of a backwards glance - so why make a big deal out of this change? Time marches forward whether we're ready for it or not; whether you kick and scream or not you're still going to get older.

And while I can say that I'm neither having an end of early adulthood crisis nor a lot of sighing or reminiscing, I do feel as though this one *should* be a bit special. Perhaps it's a mingling of knowing there's a sort of age threshold approaching and the fact that I decided 2012 is going to be a big deal for me. Maybe not such a big deal in the eyes of anyone else, but as one of my mantras for this year is "Who gives a fuck what others think?" I'm not going to sweat it.

In order to get my thoughts, plans and goals together I've taken a page out of the Big Book of Late 20's activities and made myself a mini bucket list; a 30 before 30 list. 30 things I'd like to do or at least keep in mind over the next 366 days. Did I make this list to be dramatic and awe inspiring? Nope. I've made it so I can have some accountability, it's high time I do some of these random or silly things. So, without further adieu, I present to you my 30 before 30 list:

Danni's 30 by 30 List
1. See a whale shark.
2. Fly a kite.
3. Be a healthy weight.
4. Write a letter to myself to open in 10 years.
5. Get my passport.
6. Travel outside of the U.S.
7. Ride a horse.
8. Volunteer at an animal shelter.
9. Go to a drum circle.
10. Build a sheet fort.
11. Make a decision with a coin toss.
12. Have a Harry Potter movie-thon.
13. Ride in a hot air balloon. (For the record? I'm terrified of heights.)
14. Complete a journal.
15. Lay out and watch cloud shapes.
16. Learn (or at least make a solid effort to learn) Spanish.
17. Go to a music festival.
18. Eat cake without using my hands.
19. Give belly dancing a shot.
20. Participate in the Color Run when it comes to Charlotte, NC.
21. Adopt a puppy.
22. Use a fake name at Starbucks.
23. Have a Red Dress photo shoot.
24. Put my toes in the ocean again.
25. Watch a meteor shower.
26. Stop caring and accept myself.
27. Be brave and bold hearted.
28. Paint my own version of Van Gogh's Starry night.
29. Sleep outside.
30. Be Happy.

There are several other things I'd like to accomplish this year that I haven't put on the list, such as letting go of some things, reconnecting, getting deeper into my path, tuning more into nature, making more time for my muse and finding my tribe. I decided to keep my list relatively light and sort of silly, filled with simple things I've never done (like flying a kit or riding a horse) and things I've done that make me childishly happy (like sleeping outside and watching meteor showers.) I figure, if I'm going to make this year special, it had better be good fun to boot!

Midwinter Blessings

The first signs of Spring's approach break through the cold of Winter. The sun shines a bit warmer and a bit longer each day, the snow drops and first daffodils raise their sleepy heads above the cold earth. Midwinter has come, reminding us that as in all cycles, the darkness and cold will soon end and be replaced by warmth and light.

As Brighid wakes and the maiden goddess begins her dominion over the year, so too does Nature. There are stirrings in the forest, of matings and returnings, of birthings and growing. It is a time to reflect on what Winter has taught us, what we found within ourselves and in the dark. This is also a time of beginnings, of promises, of hope. A time to ready the seeds for sewing, in our gardens and in ourselves.

It's a fire festival, so let's burn the Yule greenery and invite the light into our homes and our hearts. Light your candles, clean out the hearth and start the fire anew. Here at Midwinter, let's cast off and burn away the old and that which holds us back.

May Brighid bless you muchly and may the fire and promise of this day help you to prepare the seeds you plan to sew; both in nature and in yourself.



P.S. Each day I've been making a effort to pull an oracle card for myself. Some days I don't do it first thing in the morning and today was one of those days. It was also one of those days when self doubt and dwindling faith in me crept in. As I was lighting the candles in the house, I decided to pull my oracle card and this is the Fae that reached out to me today:

She gently reminded me to be kind to myself and to keep the faith. That while I should keep my heart open (how else will you live, love and experience things?) to shield myself against the words, moods and hurts of others. Sitting on my altar, she reminds me to believe in myself and know that I am worthy.

Oftentimes, the universe knows exactly what we need to hear and when to let us know it.