From Our Home to Yours

“It is a miracle if you can find true friends, and it is a miracle if you have enough food to eat, and it is a miracle if you get to spend your days and evenings doing whatever it is you like to do, and the holiday season - like all the other seasons - is a good time not only to tell stories of miracles, but to think about the miracles in your own life, and to be grateful for them.”
- Lemony Snicket

Brightest Christmas Blessings to you and yours. May your day be jolly and bright, we hope that fat old man was good to you all and that no one ended up on the naughty list. Much as I love Krampus, I'd hate to hear any of your were carried off by him. ;-)

Yuletide Musings

A whirl of activity; cleansing my home and myself, purging the shit and the clutter from my closets and my spirit. Yule morning and afternoon was a labor of love and a time to honor the feelings and energies that I needed to release. To prepare to burn away that darkness that has been looming heavy and overbearing, to let the light back in.

Dancing and singing while I worked to prepare a feast for the husband, the best friend and I to share after sunset. The house filled with the scent of chocolate cake, rosemary, vinegars and sweet incense.

The main altar was tidied and flipped in honor of the seasonal shift, to farewell the Holly King and welcome the King of Oak. The corn goddess was offered up to the land and fresh holly brought in from the bushes outside to adorn the space. Candles for the dueling brothers, the fledgling sun and hope set out to be lit as darkness descended.

When the sun said goodbye and the longest night began, candles were lit throughout the house, the fire in the hearth lit and the boys and I sat down to a table set with colorful linens and a Christmas cracker on each plate. Popping the crackers open, we laughed as we donned our lofty paper crowns and dug into the food; marinated steaks, slow roasted herb potatoes, honeyed carrots and champagne. We told jokes and made merry until our bellies were full and our plates empty.

Having eaten our fill, we moved to the warm comfort of the living room for more champagne, Christmas movies and our annual gift exchange. More laughter and stories as we greedily ripped through paper to get to the wonders inside; paintings, mosaics, sculpture, sketchpads and games, many lovingly handmade.

We made wishes on the Yule log before adding it to the fire, the sparks whisking our desires up to the heavens. My ritual was short, personal and filled with fire. The King is dead, long live the king! After a much needed night of mirth, warmth and joy I retired to bed before all of the candles had burned out.

This morning I rose unaided to greet the renewed sun, unusual for me as I am in no way a morning person. As I stood in the frosty grass, wind whipped my hair, gazing adoringly at the baby sun growing brighter behind the trees, I felt lighter and more free than I have in so long I've lost count. The tingling of rebirth and change danced in my heart and I couldn't help but smile.

Shifting Solstice

It's yet another Doomsday and this one's a doozy; the most talked about one I've encountered in my life short of the Day of Reckoning (which no one has a date for). We discussed it in history classes, in my art classes, in my Spanish classes - from Middle School through now we've discussed it. And I'll be honest, when I was younger it freaked me out! All the speculation and all the mystery surrounding the Maya didn't do anything to quell my concerns either.

But as it's gotten closer and closer and I've read up, spoken to my love who lived in Honduras for a few years and spoke to Mayan descendants about it (have I ever mentioned Joe's obsession with Mayan culture? No? Well, he loves it.) and listened to my gut, I've felt fine about the whole thing. That said there is definitely a feeling to this day, to this Yule, that is different than the ones I've recognized in the past.

The past few months have felt so heavy, the past few weeks have felt sort of dark; ominous almost. Not in a doom and gloom way, but in an energetically claustrophobic way. As if I were in a damp dark cave, with no light and only apathy for company. The past few days however, I've felt it shift and I know many others have experienced this feeling too.

It hasn't shifted to feel all jolly and festive like the holiday season typically does, but it's gotten lighter - both the weight and the darkness. It's as if there's a crack in the egg shell of my cave and the light has found a way in. There's a tingling of hopefulness, of fearlessness and of wonder that I've not felt before. I feel a deep urge to make changes, to really evolve and grow; to no longer be content to just be - but to really take the plunge to be more positive, more spiritual, more authentically me. To reach for the stars while keeping my feet firmly on the ground.

Others have reported these feeling too, the shucking off of a cocoon we didn't even realize we were nestled inside of. I've heard it amongst my pagan cohorts and witches as well as within my painting tribe. There is an oddity to it though and perhaps it's just my experience due to the nature of these circles; I've only heard it from women.

Do I believe the world is going to end tonight? No. But as I sit here today, I feel an anticipation of a sort, like something big is going to happen and when I awake tomorrow I won't be the same. Who knows how valid this gut feeling is, especially with all the talk of a 'new age' that could be affecting it. I do wonder however, with so many souls vocalizing similar thoughts and feelings if this isn't truly the end of *something*. There is definitely a shifting occurring, a transitioning. I don't claim to know what it is, or how many it is truly affecting, but I think it is for the better. I truly hope it is.

For now, I'm going to bask in the warmth of the returning light. I'm going to revel in the return of the Oak King and the Sun Serpent. May their light warm us all on this longest of nights.

Apathy and Introspection

"Heart Driven": Work in Progress.

Every year, right around Samhain, when it begins to get dark and cold I begin to think about introspection. Now when I say think, I mean I literally think about it, not that I sit down and dive deep inside myself necessarily.

I suffered through a terrible bought of Autumn Apathy this year, which has never happened to me before. Seriously, I barely wanted to do anything at all, much less share it here. That whole 'effort' thing sounded so unappealing and all I really wanted to do was sleep in a puddle of warm sunshine and stay there for at least the next 6 years. My Halloween party happened because it's what I do, my pumpkins were carved because it's what I do. There was no real thrill there in my bones, no tingle like there normally is. I chalked some of the really blank spots up to worrying myself ragged over loved ones effected by Sandy but if I'm really honest, a lot of it had crept in and taken hold before that. There were things I went and did that I really enjoyed, like going home to NJ for a few days, going to the Renaissance Festival not once but twice and taking part in the Color Run in Charlotte, NC.

But, even as I enjoyed those events, anyone close to me could tell I wasn't feeling like myself because there was something missing from most of these expeditions; my camera. Which, to the outside observer, probably seems like no big deal but to those that know me well is a big glaring sign that something's amiss with me. Being one of the most photographically motivated people I know, my camera is like my hand when it comes to events, trips and memory making. It goes everywhere with me. Into stinky abandoned buildings, on carnival rides, out to sea whale watching, to game nights, birthday galas, festivals and on quiet trips of contemplation in to the woods. My camera is so much a part of me that it sometimes drives my lover insane, like when I can't lay in the damn hammock and just watch the shooting stars - oh no, I have to fiddle with the camera and get grumpy that I can't get the shot and finally give up 20 minutes later when we're both annoyed and want to go inside. (That absolutely happened.) He's actually joked that if we ever have a kid, it won't know what my face looks like because I'll be too busy taking a million pictures of it. And if I do ever emerge from behind the lens, it will think I'm a stranger. So, my absent camera was a big red flag that everyone seems to have noticed but me.

Despite the apathy and glaring red flag, I signed up to jump in to part two of the Fearless Painting Adventure with Dirty Footprints Studio, DEEP. Throughout the course of the journey, myself and my Fearless painting sisters all seem to have been struck by a bit of malaise, mayhem and melancholy. Things have gone topsy turvey in so many lives, so many of us have fallen behind the prompts, so many are fixated on one that they just can't move out of as they explore the deeper aspects of a painting they created. Some, like myself, are on top of the paintings, going DEEP, flinging paint, getting dirty and tearful and joyous in a great bi-polar cacophony of creative process but are so bogged down and tired that the paintings are taking all we have and we haven't been sharing our journey or even really reflecting on them after. And while it pains me to be so far behind with the sharing and I am, I admit, worried, about sharing the processes that have grown a bit cold in my memory - I feel it's such an integral part of this process that I need to do it before the class is over. But, while I feel a tug of longing and a tug of guilt, I'm working to be kind to myself throughout - to let the tired and the apathy and all the feelings I'm dredging up work through me and having this tremendous group of kindred spirits going through the same sort of journey has helped me to find comfort within this space.

And in this space, where the DEEP paintings and drawings are causing the apathy to begin to flake away, I've noticed for the very first time I'm not just thinking about introspection during this time of the year, I'm actually turning inwards of my own unconscious volition. Things are bubbling to the surface and adding that to my work related stress is enough to knock me out at least until the Solstice, possibly longer. But, I wouldn't give up the emotions and feelings for anything because I finally feel like I'm really getting to know my real self, the one I gave up back in my teens, again. My intuition and I are getting reacquainted and I'm finally focusing on the most important person in my life for a change - myself. While there will be shit to trudge through, changes to make, people to confront, cut out or pull closer I feel for the first time, that the dark half of the Wheel of the Year has really caught me up in it's cycle and that all the extraneous, fun stuff that I normally do for Harvest just wasn't what I needed to focus on this year. Hence, the apathy.

P.S. (and this is a bit of a rant) This isn't too say that all of my moodiness and grumpiness is a thing of transformation and self healing. A lot of it is being caused by my job, which while it pays the bills that I need it to, drives me to a place of feeling stuck and hopeless because I've been unable to find anything else and have been unable to attend any small business classes to really get my art going because they are way out of my budget. So many people like to tell me 'You should just be happy that you HAVE a job' in that condescending manner of theirs and while, yes I am grateful to be able to pay my bills, I don't believe anyone should be taken advantage of or made to feel uncomfortable because their boss is a fucking incompetent closed-minded moron. Currently, I am a part timer doing a full timer's work and that coupled with the constant ignorant bullshit my boss throws out while shopping online instead of doing her friggen job on top of people constantly accusing me of taking their money when they over-drafted their damn accounts because they can't manage their funds has driven me to the point of coming home most nights, sitting on the couch and crying before I make dinner and pass out, with barely a smile or a snuggle for my husband or our fur babies. So yes, helpful assholes, I'm completely thrilled. And for those other helpful assholes, yes. I am looking for something else, but I don't want to make less or work overnights and never see my husband - part of the thing that's pissing me off so badly now is that our schedules are nearly opposite so if I want to spend time with him, everything else I want to do falls by the wayside - art, spirituality, cleaning the house, playing with the dog, seeing friends. And, I'd love to quit my job and paint full time, to display in the galleries and coffee shops downtown and vend at shows, but whenever I ask other artists how they went about getting themselves set up with the licensing, paperwork and taxes everyone is very shut lipped. I don't know if it's like a secret cult and they don't want to let me in or what down here, but it's very frustrating. And on top of that, when I contacted the Small Business Association down here, rather than a person emailing me back they sent me an electronic reply saying 'Hey! Come to our $120 8 hour class on Tuesday, which you can neither afford nor get time off for!' (ok, I may be embellishing, but dammit, this is so frustrating. ARRRGG! (rant over. Sorry, loves. but if anyone in the SC area can help with me understand this license/tax/legalese stuff, my heart would be forever grateful.)